I feel it's the best thing to kill myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by caspar, Dec 11, 2014.

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  1. caspar

    caspar Well-Known Member

    It's something I've grappled with for years now, although I know I am acutely depressed right now (for the past few months) so it is much stronger. I do remember feeling what it's like to not want to die. But I think that was the illusion and this is the reality. The only thing I'm hesitant about it the pain left behind for my family. I really don't want to do that to them, but I don't think life is worth it for me. There's no point living just to keep your family from being traumatised, it's not really a life where you spend half of the time postponing your suicide. Life is a prison to me, I can't deal with it. I guess I would be open to opinions on this, or if someone is able to change my view. I've heard from mental health workers a lot of arguments against it: 'permanent solution to a temporary problem,' 'things can change,' 'why not wait it out, you've nothing else to lose.' But I don't think anyone can understand suicidal thoughts of this nature unless they've actually been there. Can anyone relate?
  2. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    I think most people here can relate to what you're thinking. I'm going through it now. I got set straight by this site listening to those who had other friends and family suicide and the pain that they feel. That's what keeps me going. One day at a time. I hope you talk more about what's bothering you.

    Do you have a counselor or therapist to talk to. I find I can talk to them frankly and they know when i'm serious.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi caspar, I have personally been at that place where I believed I was at the point of no return. I ended up in a coma on life support....I was at deaths door and I have done a full 360 turn around! Therapy and medication got me where I am today, and I am so glad and very lucky that I survived. The best advice I can give you is whatever is going on for you don't give up that you cannot change it, because you can change these feelings. Keep and keep seeking support in all ways you can

    Keep going to therapy and be open and honest as possible.

    When you need someone to talk to come here, there will always be someone here to listen no matter what time of the day it is.

    Give the medications a REAL chance, the problem with anti depressants is they can take 6-8 weeks for full effect.

    Distract yourself with whatever you like doing be it exercise or watching comedy movies or cooking, reading.

    I wish you all the luck in the world, I think you are very depressed and need professional help as well as peer to peer support. We are here for you no matter what you choose to do.
  4. caspar

    caspar Well-Known Member

    No just my doctor. I see her again in about 2 weeks. I don't want to be argued out of my suicidal ideation if I'm honest. I don't know if that makes sense. It feels like I'm in a prison I can't get out of.
  5. caspar

    caspar Well-Known Member

    Petal, I don't have a therapist at the moment. I think I'm getting put on a waiting list for one. Anti-depressants don't work on me. I'm glad you have turned your life around, what an inspiration. I don't really want much out of life to be honest though. I'm in my twenties and completely burnt out.
  6. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I can relate. I suffer constantly and have for the last two years. I've tried and tried to get help. It's been a nightmare from hell. If my problem is temporary, then why haven't any of the meds worked. I've seen several, but am still seeing one psychiatrist. Best of luck to you.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Just an idea...ask your doctor if she knows a therapist who has personal experiences with issues (its uncommon but not unheard of) that they will say they have personal experience. I understand what you're saying which is I think that, you don't want to get out of it because feeling suicidal puts you at ease and in control. Still though I think therapy would help you.
  8. caspar

    caspar Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your empathy, I'm sorry you feel that way too.
  9. caspar

    caspar Well-Known Member

    Thanks, it probably would in some way. I just feel like I'm in a pressure cooker right now and I need to get out asap. I just can't do it so close to Christmas, it would be terrible, and I want to see my family one last time. But I can't wait it out anymore than that. I don't have the strength to wait it out with long term therapy.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    That is a problem, that therapy and meds take time, I know they sometimes prescribe benzodiazepines to help before the benefits of therapy or anti depressants come into effect because they work fast, maybe that would be an option?
  11. caspar

    caspar Well-Known Member

    I think, well in my experience, psychiatrists are uncomfortable prescribing medication in that way... I don't know, my doctor isn't even that keen on me being on anti depressants. And my anxiety isn't really that severe. I should probably say explicitly that I'm living in agony cause I don't think it's coming across. I think they would most likely just get a nurse to phone me often to check up on me...I guess that's a helpful service but I don't want it right now. Dealing with suicidal people must be very hard, there's not a lot they can do y'know. It's quite heartbreaking when you realise that, that there's not much anyone can do for you. They can sit down and listen but you're on your own essentially. To be honest, talking with a psychiatric nurse or Samaritans is not appealing right now cause I guess I feel that they can never really relate. Talking on here is better but I'm still alone with it. I have a friend who has dealt with the same sort of shit but it's hard to get a hold of him most days, I don't want to be always on him asking can we talk and all that. Thanks for listening.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are welcome, I agree some doctors don't like to prescribe those addictive medications easily. If you feel the samaritans cannot relate then try and find some people who have gone through what you are going through...I think your friend would be glad to be of help. Simply ask him if he is bothered by it...if not hopefully he can help. Be upfront and honest :hug:
  13. caspar

    caspar Well-Known Member

    To be honest our friendship is complicated, so it's not so easy just to call him up, won't bore you with the details. I just got off the phone with my sister and told her what was going on, she basically begged me not to kill myself, said I was loved very much (she actually brought up the suicide thing herself, I didn't even go there). It helped in some ways, but I know at the same time she has never felt depressed, suicidal (she even admitted to this) so it's hard for her to get why I get this way. It's a tangle of emotions I'm feeling to be honest. How confusing and unfair life can be, you know? How some people struggle so much with depression, how we're always having to think of other people, and decide the best thing to do for ourselves. Thanks for talking to me.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again

    It always is easier when someone guesses your problem than you having to say out outright. I hope you telling her that she loved you very much has helped you a small bit. I'm very close with one my sisters and she does her best to understand, sometimes she comes across as mean but I know all her intentions behind what she says/does are good. Does your sister live close by? She may have felt depressed but never opened up about it. My sister suffers rarely with anxiety so she gets some of what I'm saying but doesn't understand why it is so bad.
    You are welcome, no need to thank me, here anytime for you :hug:
  15. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    If you can live, if you feel you can keep on going, just do it. It doesn't have to be for you, because you're right, your family will be traumatized, and they'll wonder what they did wrong, and they'll blame themselves and they'll blame the world and they'll start seeing the world the way that you do. Until you find your own reason to live, let them be your reason.
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