I feel I've ruined my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aggregate, Nov 8, 2012.

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  1. Aggregate

    Aggregate New Member

    Since I graduated from high school, I've been goofing off. I spent four years at college, taking bs classes just to give the impression to my parents that I was doing something with my life, when really I was just drinking, doing drugs and partying. My university gave all my tuition for free, so I just dilly dallied through all my classes like college would last forever. When some of my friends were already graduating, I was still taking core classes. Eventually, the university had it and stopped all my financial aid. I was officially a drop out. So did I tell my parents? No...I lied to them. For the next three years, I continued telling them I was going to college, going so far as to say I graduated but I decided to hold off from walking to pursue another degree. During these three years, I pursued a career in music, thinking that as long as I made it, lying to them would be worth it, and I'd have an excuse to drop out. Well, we can all guess how that turned out. I found moderate success, even getting radio play. However, to fund my foray into music, I was living off of credit cards. Lots of them. Much like lying to my parents, i felt it was all just an investment to my future career as a rich producer, when in actuality, that story rarely happens. Well, here I am now, at 25. I have no college degree, currently filing bankruptcy over 20k debt, and my mom is asking to see my diploma after realizing her son has been going to college for seven years and yet can only get a technician job.

    I am at the end of the road. Between my terribly stressful job, my upcoming bankruptcy and the immense guilt and pressure I have from lying to my parents, I am losing my grip on reality. My mothers heart will literally break in two when she finds out I've wasted my life. I fear she will commit suicide. I told myself I'd have killed myself if music didn't work out. I am confident that I would have. However, I've been held back after finding the love of my life. I fantasize about being able to marry her. To provide for her, to be an amazing husband for her. The reality is, she had to lend me money to pay for my bankruptcy lawyer. She's dating a broke, bankrupt washed out musician.

    I am losing touch with reality. I can't sleep. I feel this is not living anymore. I'm so scared. During a drive a couple of days ago, I just bursted out crying. I cried like a baby. I realized I could just veer into a wall or embankment, or just run off a bridge and everything would be over. I used to think I was too much of a coward to kill myself, but even having met the most wonderful girl in the world, these feelings are only getting easier and easier to think about.

    Thank you for reading. While I think most of you are as old or older, please...please stay in school. Please don't waste your life chasing clouds. You think things will last forever but life hits you so fast...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2012
  2. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles, not knowing what country you're in could you get financial aid? :hug: Welcome to SF lovely :hug:
     
  3. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    hi
    Im sorry things are so bad right now but i urge you to sit down with your mum and tell her everything. Im a mum and no matter what aslong as my kids are safe and healthy thats all mums need. Yes im sure she will be dissapointed but probably not for the reason you think. She will probably feel sad that you felt unable to come to her with the truth. You are still young you can still do so many things with your life. The feelings you are having now are there because you are terrified of what will happen when your family find out. Just imaging how much less stressful it will be once everything is off your shoulders. Lots of people face bankrupcy not just you but its a stressful time and you could do with the support of family. Im glad you have this special person in your life and you can be everything you want to be for her and for yourself. The initial few days that the truth is out will be hard but then it will get easier. If your mom isnt well and thats why you think that she will react badly then maybe have your gf there for extra support?
     
  4. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm 47. I quit high school and got a GED, and then quit college. Until now I thought, "Wow, I'm too old. What good would it do me? I can't get a job at my age, anyhow, by the time I'd graduate." Then I met the most remarkable woman - my previous therapist. She was an alcoholic until she was 45, and had "thrown away her life" (much like I had, too). She quit drinking, and started college. This remarkable woman graduated with a PhD in Social Work at the age of 70! I am hoping, when I get things settled, that I will be as cool as she is, and be getting a PhD (or at least a Masters) when I'm grey.

    I pray the same thing, for you, and everyone who has thought, "Its too late, I've thrown my life away."

    :hug:
     
  5. fakoff

    fakoff Banned Member

    I'm sorry to hear that. Your posting somehow wakes me up.
    Thanks for sharing.
     
  6. slcsportschick

    slcsportschick Active Member

    I am so sorry, Aggregate. ((hug)) I'm 25 and can relate to you feeling like you have done nothing with your life. Because of various things that have happened in my life, I have not been able to go to college at all. There were a few times where it almost happened, but something else would come up. It's a terrible feeling to feel like you've lived a wasted life. But I agree with Rubberchicken. Honesty is always best, I think it would be a big relief to you to talk to your mom about what really went on. It won't eat at you as much. She can't know how to help you, if you're not honest with her. Even if it's just moral support. That support can be a great help. I'm glad that you found such a lovely girl. Hold on to her. Keep trying to stay strong. Take it one day at a time. We're here if you ever need to talk.
     
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, Aggregate. I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances. I can only imagine how stressful that might be. I'm glad you found SF and I hope we can offer you support and encouragement.

    Good for you for taking the step to file for bankruptcy. That must have been a difficult crossroads. Lots of very successful people have gone bankrupt before they achieved they big success - some of them a few times. Maybe you could think of it as a chance to start over. The big emotional hurdle seems to be telling your parents about the situation. Maybe you can express (as you have above) that in retrospect you think you could have made better choices. If it's applicable, perhaps let them know if you have some long-term goals that you are going to work towards. I hope that they are understanding and forgiving. :hug:

    Good luck with the things on your plate. Around if you want to talk or vent. Be safe, Aggregate.
     
  8. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Hey Agg - clearly you love your family & don't want to disappoint them. So that already makes you a better kid than a lot of kids who don't even care about the people who love them.

    No matter what, your mom wants you ALIVE. Finding out that you killed yourself after this situation would only break her heart. As hard as it seems, the truth will totally set you free. These choices are yours to take responsibility for, not hers...which means that you can LIVE and still have a GREAT LIFE and your response is the one that matters...not hers. You're so young. You can TOTALLY come back from this and have an awesome life.

    Donald trump has a great moment/memory where a bunch of banks called him in at like 2:30 in the morning. It was like 30 banks because he owed some insane amount like 300 million or 3 billion or something (don't remember the exact...just that the number was ENORMOUS). I often think of that. wow, I would have been terrified and run away. He dealt with it, and most of his fortune was really made AFTER. so you can totally bounce back. a lot of the most awesome people in the world have made some umm, difficult choices, haha...but they just use it, own it and come back. good luck & take care.
     
  9. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    It is never too late to start again. Clean your slate, take whatever hits come with it, and then start over. You can do it. Talk to your family and let them know what is going on. Ask them to support you (I don't mean financially... I mean morally). You do not have to have a degree to be successful, by the way. But, if a degree is important to you, you obviously have a lot of credits so you should be able at some point to return to school and fill in the gaps with whatever you need to complete a degree. Learning from your actual mistakes is the best schooling in life. You should be able now to stop, regroup, and conquer.
     
  10. Aggregate

    Aggregate New Member

    Thank you for the help guys. It really means a lot. I know the truth is the only thing that will get me out of that situation, but every time I think of confronting my parents about this, I think of the irreparable damage it will do to them. They will hate me forever. Today, they came in, both congratulating me for being a good student. They also felt the need to remind me that they don't care if I don't become a doctor, but at the least they want me to be double degree'd. Finally, they said they will not support me dropping out for any reason whatsoever. That last note referring to the bankruptcy, I assume. And of course, my mom said she will keep bugging me about the diploma until she's blue in the face.

    I don't know how much longer I can take this. I closed the door behind them and broke down crying. I am not one to cry at the drop of the dime, and this is happening all the more frequently. I've booked a therapist through my work's health insurance, but I honestly dont know what good it will do. I'm becoming more and more delusional with each day that passes. I barely feel human anymore. I just really want out. I'm so disappointed with the failure of a son I am.

    I don't know what to do anymore :( or perhaps I do...but I don't know what's worse. Killing myself or telling them I've lied to them for 7 years and I am not the smart studious son they wanted.

    If anyone here is into video games and consoles, PM me. I'm selling my life away.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 9, 2012
  11. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    There is a famous old saying that goes, "The truth shall set you free."
    Fess up to all this, ask for understanding, put together a plan for recovery and to start again... and move forward. I can tell you from experience that I went from having a lot down to having nothing (lived in my car) back up to having a lot again. It doesn't happen overnight. Start again, rebuild your life, and in a few years you will look back and feel proud of what you have overcome.
     
  12. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Aggregate - I too feel a complete waster, loser and user because of *stuff* (cannot explain here)....... I attempted because of it - and by a miracle am here to tell the story. That, despite how things look for you at the moment - that they can change for the better and your life can be positive once again.

    Offing yourself will bring your parents even more irreparable damage Agg - at least now, if you bite the bullet with them, the damage is reparable. They would be sad forever, left with innumerable questionmarks, for the rest of their lives should you off - but staying and doing the 'famous' "Prodigal Son" thing (Luke 15 in the Bible) - will bring out the parent in them. They would not want to lose you, of that we are all certain...... The story goes that a son ran into really hard times and was in very reduced circumstances....... but, reflecting, he decided to return to his father and worked out his petition........ (it's meant to illustrate the overwhelming love of a parent for their child as a picture of the feelings God has towards us) - but, the truth of the matter is, and which is true for you as well Agg - is that there is more to this life than achievement, money, success. BTW - how the story ends is worth investigating!

    IFyour parents are all about achievement, money and success - your fronting up to them - OK it will be an initial blow - but when they understand the other route you had been contemplating, it will - over time - become the source of a new perspective for them - appreciative of the things that really matter that are on a deeper level than achievement, money and "succes".

    We are all here to support you in this Agg, and wish you all the very best. :)
     
  13. ksmith86

    ksmith86 Well-Known Member

    I think it's normal to feel that way at 25. You start seeing all of your friends become reasonably successful, some kids from your highschool are now famous, and all the good women are marrying guys with careers and good credit while you're stuck on your ass barely getting by.

    Currently in that spot myself. Although I've got some other ridiculous hurdles to overcome in addition...


    Anyways, my take on your situation: 20k debt sucks, but you can pay it off with a good job. You're just living without credit for a while. By the time you're 30 you can still be pretty much whatever you want, but I'm guessing at this point all you want is a career in something that pays reasonably, so... you've got a little bit of an advantage there. Did you know the average cable installer brings home $1200 a week? Auto techs can easily make $50k in their second year, and that requires NO college. ANYONE who does trades work is going to make bank with a little bit of effort bidding on jobs. Tile is easy to install and pays easily $3 - $5 per square foot (a queen size bed is roughly 30 square feet). If you've got a truck and can get ahold of a trailer and an aerator, you can aerate people's yards for $40 a pop. Takes literally 10 minutes to do an average yard, and at $40 you'll be undercutting the competition so hard you should be able to sell your service to atleast a quarter of the doors you knock on. There is SO much you can do.


    I don't know your parents but.... you justified lying by telling yourself "I'm going to be successful anyways". Success TO ME is a $50k/yr job, a beautiful wife, and a nice quiet place to live. All of that is still easily obtainable to you and your parents will be proud that you made a life for yourself.

    Anyways, good luck man!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 9, 2012
  14. dontknow2012

    dontknow2012 New Member

    Hi,

    I've actually gone through the same thing. My parents paid for me to go to a private high school. I did poorly there. Then when it came to my college career, I messed up just as bad. I cared more about partying than going to school. I was kicked out and told my parents I was going to go to community college for a year. In community college, I flunked as well. I just did not care. My priorities were all messed up. Recently I told my parents I was taking classes but they found out I wasn't. My dad said "consider me dead, i am no longer your father. you are disgusting" It broke my heart. My parents were so ashamed of me. They kicked me out and I moved in with my sister. I had no job, obviously no money, and my parents didnt want me anymore. I thought moving in with my sister would be helpful. But no, I was a burden to her too. I went into such a depression. I tried drinking a bottle of wine and took sleeping pills, but my sister came home and i threw it up. It is definitely rough. I can't imagine what you are going through. But you have someone who loves you and is willing to help you out. Take that opportunity. you deserve it.
     
  15. Aggregate

    Aggregate New Member

    dontknow2012, I think I will be in a very similar situation :( I'm very sorry you went through that...

    I am trying my best to think of how to break it to my parents...I thankfully have found something a little less drastic than killing myself. I am thinking perhaps an intervention-like setting where I invite my parents to come in to my therapist's office, and we both explain to them how badly I've messed up. Maybe the support of my therapist could calm both me and my parents down enough to react with more reason than emotion...at least, I hope it does.

    I've been selling everything I can. I'm not even too sure why, but subconsciously maybe I'm preparing to get kicked out :( my mother even joked about it, "moving somewhere? Don't even think about it *laughs*."

    urPrecious, the Luke 15 story is a nice read...I only wish my parents would react with festivities, but I'd expect more of a sacrifice than a celebration :( I am a first generation American, and my family, coming from poverty, always laid heavy pressure on me to be successful...I feel I've not only let down my parents, but my entire family and lineage. It is a horrible pressure that I can't even begin to explain.

    I don't know what I'd do if I were kicked out...I make 700 a month at a stressful part-time job. I can't exactly go to my girlfriend's place for support either. She lives in a neighboring country and won't be graduating/looking to move out til April...and even then, it's not easy for either of us to immigrate :(

    I've been distant from my parents for all these years...7 years of shrugging them off...disrespecting them...being more of a room-mate than a son. I am starting to realize my attitude stems from my own shame of lying to them. I've sacrificed so many years I could have spent growing a relationship with them for my own selfish, hedonistic lifestyle. I have never realized how much I love my parents. How grateful I am to them for giving me such an amazing life at the expense of theirs. I am so sorry..I am so ashamed of myself...I honestly feel I don't deserve to breathe the same air

    :( I am so sad...so incredibly sad.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2012
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