I feel just about ready to give in...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ace, Dec 20, 2006.

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  1. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Well I've tried my hardest and personally I see it as a losing battle:sad: ,The Bi polar,Ocd,bdd it's all too much and I can't handle it anymore.I can't go on with this any longer and my head hurt's so much it's pure hell and I don't see it improving and I feel the the fight is almost over and what's the use anyway?To go through a life of hell,no I don't think so not for me it's just an ongoing nightmare a waste of existance is how I see it.
    I don't know why I'm bothering for anyway I can try and have counselling until the cow's come home but it will all be worthless and pointless.It's a total waste and alway's has been when I look back i wish honestly I never came into this shit world,I wan't to end this hell.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Ace...so sorry you are feeling this way...is there something that set this off?...and about being in therapy: I have been in therapy about 31yrs, over the last 4 years 3X per week and once a month seeing a pdoc...success is slow and all of these journeys are a process...maybe you and your therapist can set short term goals, so that the entire process does not seem so overwhelming...and why go on??? because you are a caring, valuable and earnest person, the type we need more of in this world...sorry it has been so rough...PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs
     
  3. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thank's for your caring thought's SE:smile: ,basically I can't handle the constant changing of emotions and the depression and ocd anymore as it's so overwhelming compunded with the Bdd.It's such a tough road and I feel like hell it's so taxing on the mind and I just don't know how to cope with this anymore i really dont.:sad:
     
  4. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    ace i just wanted to drop you a line and say you're not alone. i was dx'd bi-polar for seven yrs and just last year they dropped it and changed it to a mood disorder non specific. i go through mood swings like you have no idea and i know it's not easy to deal with. and as far as ocd i have it when it comes to thinking and that's no picnic either, but i just want to encourage you to hang in there. this must be one of those hard days which i am well aware of but when those better (mind u not great but better) days are here we need to rellish them and hold on to them the best we can. i appreciate having those days. i know what you're saying though how this is so hard to deal with, and frustration sets in and u want to give up. i'm wondering if they have you on the right meds yet. i'm thinking probably not. have you discussed this with your doc or therapist?

    please just hang in there. you have encouraged me in the past and i want to do the same to you now. just hang in there. there can be better days around the corner. please take care.:arms:
     
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thank's for your kind word's Insig I really appreciate it:tongue: ,It's so hard and overwhelming and I feel like I'm just running around in circle's alway's.Basically I can stand the congestion of thought's in my mind,the mood swing's,the uncertainty,the sadness over the past,the overanalysing and repetitive thought's.
    What do I really feel?this is so hard to explain perhap's worthless,unintelliegent,so lost and confused and that everything is basically a lost cause:sad: .In terms of the right meds I'm doubting that myself but also wondering whether there are any that are suitable for me or can really help.Between the Depression and ocd it's a sheer nightmare and I don't know really whether psychology,CBT,Counselling or med's are going to really help me as i see my problem's as to severe.
    I often ask how do I act or behave or even think?look how weird that sound's and strange but I am weird I guess.In simple terms I'm very friendly with people and get along very well with other's but it's not enough.I feel to insecure and rely on other's to much I feel because i don't have the confidence,intelligence,belief to do thing's by myself.
    I can't help it because ever so often my mood's change and I'm forever going down so what is the point?how is someone meant to have a chance at functioning normally in life?my Ocd is crazy and I see it as a real struggle to focus on thing's.
     
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm well it is hard to say really. Part of winning a battle is feeling you have a chance to win... or at least that is what I am told. If you just give up you will lose end of story. But if you believe things will get better things will get better.... something like that?
     
  7. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    That's the thing I don't know if thing's can or will improve as much as I'd love them to,the Ocd make's life so hard and the mood swing's.
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm well we can never be sure, or that is what people tell me. Maybe spot what is the hardest for you and work on improving that. You seem to want everything to get better at once. And that will really slow how good things get done. But if you take things less at a time you should prgress faster.
     
  9. ace

    ace Well-Known Member


    Nah it's not that I want everything to get better at once,I've been suffering like this for years and with the Ocd and mood swing's it's complete hell.I've been very patient yet after so long it becomes far to overwhelming,in terms of what's the hardest thing for me it's like where do I really start?:sad:
     
  10. hessbz12

    hessbz12 Member

    Hey ace...I can really relate to what you are going through. I've never really been given a diagnosis, but I've been struggling with mental problems for about the last 5-6 years. Basically, my main problem is that I just don't feel attached to the environment and my self. Right now, I feel like I am going insane. I can't concentrate or focus or think about anything outside of what is wrong with me. I have been on many different medications and just started Paxil. Right now I just feel like I am not gonna make it. I had a lunch date with a friend today and could barely make it through it.

    I am suffering really bad right now, so I know what you are going through. It's tough to even make it out of bed most days, although I go to work 40-45 hours a week. I wonder how much longer I will make it.

    It sucks to be going through hell, but not knowing what is wrong with you and if there will ever be an answer.
     
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmm well if everything seems to have equal need to be fixed flip a coin... I don't know... Maybe take small steps. Or maybe you could embrace your problems and make them a part of you personality.
     
  12. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Ace
    You can't help the fact that you were brought into this world. It is a rough life and not everything comes easy. I know what you mean when you say life is hell. Been there done that. We get to a point where we need to re-energize and get a new view of life and where we want to go. Keep your chin up and it will all work out for the better.
     
  13. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thanks to all,basically I'm tired of the exhausting strain everything causes and because of the Ocd it's made that much harder.The thing is this I don't know how to act anymore,how to feel,behave or really what to make of thing's.I know I'm tired of feeling like hell and having the constant mood swings.
    I feel so hopeless and worthless and so stupid that I'm not good or smart enough to do anything and sadly I believe these thing's are true.It's so hard also because I question everything I do or have done and know it's the Ocd but it causes me to think this is simply not normal and I'm stuck in such a black hole.
    I'm fed up of feeling guilty and feeling that everything feel's like it's all lost,and the bottom line is that I feel so confused and I don't know how or what to think anymore.It's like I have to have everything perfect the best mobile phone deal,internet plan,private insurance policy etc and if I don't or haven't the Ocd makes me think oh look at what you've wasted and it's such a viciuos circle and it's like this with evrything.
    Constant overanalysing and repetitive thoughts in my mind and I go crazy,seriously I feel very insecure and that I'm just a real disaster who doesn't have any idea.I'm sick of feeling guilty yet I have this feeling alot,see how I just don't know how to behave or think anymore or to put it mildly I never have known what is a good way to think.Yes Ocd and depression a complete disaster and basically I have no way out of this I really don't I feel my situation is helpless and hopeless.
    If I was to go on about everything the Ocd does to me I would be here until the cows come home or really forever,yes you could say it's the Ocd that causes this and the Depression but you know what?it's purely not enough and somehow doesn't mean anything because I can't accept that and can't live like that and it's to unbearable despite having lived with it for so long.I can only tell myself it's the illness for so long but it really doesn't do anything for me because at the end of the day I'm living this hell illness or no illness is how it seems.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2006
  14. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    OCD sucks, but is manageable. How does your's manifest itself? I have a tinge of OCD, so I can relate :)
     
  15. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Mine work's basically around obsessive,repetitive,overanalysing,imaginary thinking and ruminating,counting letters and words,count as I think,odd and even days,the need to feel I have to do everything it doesn't have to be immediately,obsessing over past,Indecisiveness,possible future incidents,re-enacting of event's and possible event's,list writing and I can keep going.
    The fact is that is may be manageable but it's a voicious circle as it control's you 24/7 or each living moment unless you're asleep.It's ruined my belief,confidence and everything else.
    Seriously I feel I'm at my wit's end about what to do anymore,as the Ocd is so powerful I just can't seem to fight it and my belief has gone down so severely.Oh I also suffer from Bdd as well which is just a plain disaster also.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2006
  16. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well then you decide how to act.:laugh: I know that is what I do. I am right there with you in the over analyzing of things. But I enjoy doing that just so I have an answer when someone asks me a question. But back to acting the way you feel. While I was up skiing I was audibly talking to myself. And I thought nothing of it despite the weird looks people gave me. Society will tell you to act one way expecting you to do just that. But instead of being a sheep stand up and say I want to act this way because I can. Granted it takes courage. If I was all about acting the way I want too I would be out cross-dressing in public but I am not, not yet anyway.

    The point is that if you do not know guess and if you like your guess keep doing it.
     
  17. ace

    ace Well-Known Member


    Thank's for your response FM:smile: ,It's just so tough with the constant mood swing's and Ocd which makes thing's so difficult.Ocd make's life so complex and hard to go on with,despite knowing it is the Ocd and depression that causes this it's still not enough as you go through the motion's and they become so strenuous.
    The problem is that I don't see myself as an intelligent person by all mean's and it's really tough,the depression and Ocd will alway's be a problem so how can I and why should I continue persisting with things?Also getting down with the past coincides with my moods of course when I'm fine I seem to accept what's happened as that,but when I get down I get angry and frustrated at thing's that have happened.
    Yes i know what has happened is simply that and I can tell myself that so many times,but at the end of the day it still hurts and with the Ocd it becomes so much more painful and is an endless vivious circle.:sad:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2006
  18. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Ace

    I have mixed feelings about counselors, but at least give it a try. It is a hopeless feeling when we cannot see any good. sorry to hear you feel so bad, perk up and it will get better.
     
  19. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm... well... ummm... can you feel the mood swings as they start to come on? Even if you are not you are aware when one happens right? Why not try repressing the mood? Be like me, in one constant mood. I am not sure what that mood is... but it is in the middle or all moods. Just hold everything in, and then let it all out when you are alone. As for OCD well I am not sure how to handle that, I would have to know what you do. But what I can tell you is that what might make life more bearable is if you accept your OCD rather than fighting it. It is like with homosexuals. A homosexual might hate the feelings he or she is having. So he or she will fight them forcing heterosexuality onto themselves. And in the end they are miserable. But once they accept the homosexuality as who they are they are much happier. Fighting who we are just makes us miserable.

    As for intelligence that is not something I comment on. Apparently I am really smart to a point.... but that is me this is not about me. The point is that intelligence is only partially biological. With practice you can be the smartest person in the world. I cannot really pass a judgement on your intelligence just yet... but you do not come off as dumb.. stubborn but not dumb.

     
  20. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thank's BF and FM:smile: Counsellors,Psychologist's,Psychiatrist's I know they all mean well but it's just so hard competing against the Ocd.In term's of the mood swing's that's a tough one I can sought of feel the mood's changing but not totally really and they sought of come on like that.I know one thing is that when my mood goes down I do in areas also loss of hope,anger,frustration,loss of interest you name it.
    Of course I wan't thing's to improve so badly but it's just that it's so hard with everything and the Ocdand Depression make life quite unbearable to live.
     
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