I feel like a big wuss

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by qteallex, Feb 23, 2015.

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  1. qteallex

    qteallex Active Member

    I don't remember much of what happened, only that it was at it's worst in year 8 (I would have been 12/13 years old) and we would catch a small bus home from school. there was exactly the right number of seats so we'd all fit in and the only seat left for me would be in the back corner next to some other boys my age. on the 10 minute journey home I would have to struggle to keep one boy in particular's hands out of my pants and sometimes he wouldn't let me get off the bus unless I touched his or held it or whatever. I would say no I don't want to, it's disgusting etc but he wasn't interested and it really got no further than the odd dick touch. I don't know for how long it happened every day but being trapped, and the other boys in the back supporting him on it, has had some kind of a lasting effect on me.

    for a couple of years bus travel made me nervous to the point of feeling like I would puke but I haven't seen that guy since the end of highschool so it was getting better but sometimes when I'm on the bus and I can see people moving out of the corner of my eye I feel this overwhelming disgust and anger at them and I can't explain it, even though they're not next to me or anything their fidgeting around or whatever really bothers me. that and pervasive thoughts when a man sits next to me "what if he touched you, there would b nothing you could do" etc and I just sit still all tense untill they get off the bus but it leaves me feeling like such a damn baby.

    I've never told anyone because I'm scared they'll be like "that's all?" or they'll have had a worse experience and they'll think I'm stupid for still being scared of other men sometimes.

    well anyway, if anyone knows any strange-men related fear management techniques I'd be grateful for you sharing them with me :cupcake:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2015
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    You are not a wuss or a baby,what he did is illegal,you SAID NO, that is sexual abuse. Downplaying what happened might not help you get better in the future. Facing up to what did happen is a step in the right direction. He is scum, a pervert, you were a CHILD, do not blame yourself in any way. I am sorry for what happened to you and it's lasting effects. I think the wise thing to do is seek the help of a therapist or explain to your local doctor.

    I wish you all the best.
     
  3. qteallex

    qteallex Active Member

    thanks, thank you for validating this. you're dead right and I think I needed it spelled out to me because it was abuse for sure and there's no way you could have taken my struggling for consent. I'll bring it up when I go to the doctor for anxiety.

    thank you and stay safe <3
     
  4. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Dear You,

    You are not a wuss.
    This guy was a shitty twisted kid.
    With no rule no moral and I only wish he got to know what it is to have repect for human beings.
    I would be very edgy too if I was you. When you're shaken and violated in what should remain your intimate, private, unviolated space it's normal to feel weak.
    You know when robbers come to your home it's not even your body but you also feel like you're very vulnerable.

    There's no magic recipe.
    Go on, face your fear, maybe grow stronger might help you gain you some confidence like you won't be hopeless anymore.
    It's always hard but be sure that won't happen without you acting on it.
    You deserve respect you are beautiful and important.
    I am very sorry for what happened.

    Take good care
     
  5. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Dear You,

    You are not a wuss.
    This guy was a shitty twisted kid.
    With no rule no moral and I only wish he got to know what it is to have repect for human beings.
    I would be very edgy too if I was you. When you're shaken and violated in what should remain your intimate, private, unviolated space it's normal to feel weak.
    You know when robbers come to your home it's not even your body but you also feel like you're very vulnerable.

    There's no magic recipe.
    Go on, face your fear, maybe grow stronger might help you gain you some confidence like you won't be hopeless anymore.
    It's always hard but be sure that won't happen without you acting on it.
    You deserve respect you are beautiful and important.
    I am very sorry for what happened.

    Take good care
     
  6. qteallex

    qteallex Active Member

    thank you, for your understanding and empowering words - I may print them out and take them with me on a little card

    thanks and stay safe <3
     
  7. He was a freak.

    It is normal to like sex but not normal to force it on others. Nor is it normal to even HAVE the urge to use sex as a force against others.
     
  8. qteallex

    qteallex Active Member

    I think there must have been something wrong with him to make him act that way, but that doesn't really excuse it.
     
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