i feel like a fake

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Arun, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    I feel like a fake. For going to therapy, for being on this site, for doctors suggesting i need medication (which i don't want to take!).

    For example, today i need to go into uni and have a meeting with my supervisor. I got up before 10am (first time in a while), had a shower (another first), ate breakfast and when i am in the meeting, i am sure i'll present myself as competent. So basically, leaving aside the panic and low mood and thoughts of inadequacy (which i refuse to acknowledge) i'm functioning pretty normally right?? The thing is, the past 2 weeks i have been in the worst 'slump' in a while. That's what brought me to this site in the first place.

    I feel like i am 2 different people. The one who is competent and 'with it' and if not happy, then content in living. Then there's the vulnerable me, the depressed me, the one that does nothing, the one riddled with sadness, grief, anxiety and self-loathing. I hate letting myself feel weak, i hate allowing myself to be seen as vulnerable and i hate even admitting to myself that i may not be happy. But i can't help it when it just pushes its way through and consumes me.

    If i can present myself as capable when need be, why can i not do it all the time?
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    thats part of the complexity of depression... and part of the reason that we allow ourselves to beat ourselves up over it. others notice this trend as well (meaning people that may not understand what it feels like to have depression or mental illness) and tend to label us as being lazy or attention-getting. at first, we fight against this idea/label... then after enough of struggling w/ our own confused thoughts and hearing their loud voices on this, we give in and say "maybe the are right, maybe i'm just seeking attention", or "maybe i'm just lazy", or "maybe i'm just such a good liar that i even fool myself" or etc. and at that point, we start just giving up ... and dive headlong into our depression. Honestly, you are one of the few that reached out to me w/o judging me and that have made a difference to me, so I for one think you are a worthwhile person. If I, as a stranger, and someone that just barely knows you, can find reason for you to be worthy, perhaps you should look closer at yourself so you can see your own worth?
  3. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    When I started to recognize my depression I felt the same way, and still do a lot. Feeling we ought to be able to get a grip on ourselves in moments of vulnerability is just one of the things that makes everything even more hard to deal with. Esp. if you're the kind of person who doesn't want to put up with those kinds of feelings or shows of weakness from yourself.
    It's hard to accept that our feelings are legitimate, esp. if they are new. ...it really is like two different people as you put it. I never thought of it that way, but it is...
    It's hard to feel any compassion for that other person that's disrupting everything so much. But I guess that's what depressed people need a lot of, compassion. And the hardest person to find that from sometimes is ourselves. We tend to want to fight our feelings and push against them, thinking that's what is best to get things back to normal.

    If you can't take it from yourself just yet, maybe you can take it from others on this sight and in real life; that you aren't faking, you're a good person, and all you deserve is help to be your best again.
    With time and work I hope you can see that too.
    You deserve the same kindness and sympathies from yourself as you're willing to offer to others :)
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I do the same thing.. Think I am fake also.. But I actually do have more then 1 me.. in a way everyone kinda does.. and we all put on a face at some point.
  5. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    So the meeting where i was meant to present myself as competent happened... I think i presented myself ok, but as it was going on i just got more and more panicky and stressed and hating myself. Guess i can't even fool myself now. I got home and broke down in tears - i am a complete failure, my supervisor just doesn't know it yet, and i will have to tell her soon that i can't do what she asks.

    Dawn you're right - i gave up and "dove headlong into depression". Sour there is no compassion for me, not me. (And yes... i know i tell everyone else there is compassion and love for them but i can't accept it myself - another black mark against me i guess.) Kiba, i am tired of putting on a face now. i just want to give up on everything, but i can't do that to my family.