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I feel like a jerk

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by annon, Mar 21, 2009.

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  1. annon

    annon Guest

    I sit here wondering what in my life had brought me to the point where I am posting on a suicide forum at almost 1am on a Friday night/Saturday morning. Well, for one, lots of alcohol. That is specifically what has done it for me tonight. As it turns out, lots of alcohol plus severe depression equals... even worse depression. My roommate turned 21 tonight, so I went out to the bar with her and many other people.. and as usual, I get drunk, the depression I try so hard to repress surfaces and then I do all that I can not to cry hysterically in front of people so I sneak away and run off home by myself without telling anyone that I am leaving. Except this time, I walked all the way back home just to feel like an ass for leaving my friend on her birthday--so I turned around and walked all the way back just to be completley ignored and leave again on my own anyway. And here I am right now, alone and completely depressed and thinking about the suicide that I will never try to committ (again). I have completely uprooted my life trying to put myself into a new situation, a new college, to see if maybe that would cure my depression... but no. It is all still here. I can't connect with people, I can't even open up to people. I have been hurt by every person I have opened up to and/or completley dissed and dissmissed. I feel like I am never going to have deep connection to any other human being in this world. I feel like my life is this worthless lie that I live only so I don't hurt my family by ending it. I try to spend my time doing volunteer work and community service stuff so I can feel fulfilled by helping others--but where is anyone trying to help me? I had 1 person who I though really cared about me, and he was my boyfriend for 4.5 years... and then 3 months ago he broke off our engagement because he wanted to date other girls. And just 2 days ago he tells me that he had cheated on me with 3 girls during the last year of our relationship. So the first relationship I have ever had where I completley opened up to and trusted someone... i got screwed over and hurt worse than ever. I am about to graduate college and I have no job set up for afterwards. I have no real friends. I have no people skills. I am on the freakin internet writing out my life story in hopes of finding some compassion from a stranger. I feel so pathetic and sad. I just wish I could be normal and happy and have friends and a real life that isn't burdaned with depression and suicidal thoughts constantly. I have already ODed on pills once and if it wasn't for how badly it would hurt my parents if I did it, I would do it again. I just wonder how long the idea of not wanting to hurt my parents will last. I just want my life to pick up. I am 23 and I don't even feel like I have lived yet. I just want to be happy and to go out and be able to smile and have fun. Tonight before I ran out of the bar, some guy came up to me to talk to me because he said he thought I looked sad. And he was right, i probably did look sad because I WAS sad. And that just made me feel even worse that my sadness is so transparent. I really feel pathetic.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Just for the record, your not a jerk. It seems like you have tried in the past to make genuine connections with people but only for it all to be thrown back at you in some way. You can't control how other people are.
    I'm sure that you will find and make those genuine connections on this forum though, since there are people on here who can relate to what you have been through and who are friendly.
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