it feels like i have already killed myself and now just waiting to actually do it. half of me is in this reality and half on the other side shouting for me to cross over. everday i think about how i am going to kill myself because this is what i want. My mother is what is stopping me. She does not have a clue. If she did, she would be in pain, which she has had enough all her life. If she was not here now, i would have nothing to stop me. i feel like a loser, people around me always talking so naturally and making jokes with one another. i can't socialise properly with other people. i'm boring with a crap personality. i am nothing. If i entered a room you would not notice me for about an hour. i looked into the mirror this morning and i realised i'm even more unattractive than i thought. i look like a idiot. People act nice to me to not hurt my feelings, god knows what they are talking behind my back. i don't want to be alive let alone go back into the social environment again tommarow.