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I feel like a lost soul.....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Stisme, Mar 30, 2013.

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  1. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    I am a 50+ female. There is no another living breathing soul who is aware of what I am about to type. I have been making a plan for about 8 months to end my life. I have not been diagnosed with mental illness nor do I believe I have a mental illness (maybe there is something that I don't recognize). My spiral began 4 years ago when after filing my income taxes, I discovered that I owed about $2,000 dollars which I didn't have so I didn't send in my taxes. I have not filed taxes since. As a result, 2 1/2 years ago I was unable to renew my license. As a result of no license, I was unable to register my vehicle. As a result of no registered vehicle, I could not get the car inspected or insured. For almost 3 years now, I have been driving without a licence, in an unregistered vehicle, with an expired inspection sticker and no insurance. All because I didn't file income taxes. I live with my elderly parents who are pretty healthy but needed help with caring for themselves and their home. I recently quit my job working in an operating room (they believe that I was just retiring and moving to another state) My parents do not know that I quit my job, they believe that I am out on Temporary Disability from work because I have a severe rash/skin irratation on the palm of my hand and can not work (once I ended my life they would know). I have two young adult children and 4 grandchildren. Before I lost my health insurance, I went to my doctor and told him I was depressed and anxious. He gave me medication (my plan to end my life = overdose) I have not touched the medication in 1 1/2 months waiting for "the day".

    My problem??? I don't think I can commit suicide!!! Not of my own doing but if forced, I feel I still could do it out of immediate despiration. The thought of my parents finding me dead in my bed breaks my heart. My son, (single/divorced Dad raising his autistic son) who just told me yesterday, "Mom, I love you so much!!! I don't know what I would do without you". I am a coward all the way around. In my life in general and in taking my own life. The time has passed since my "planned date". Time is coming to an end. I have no income, no health insurance, no license, no NOTHING!!! Except my family. How do I tell my elderly parents and children any of this. Nobody has the money to help. I fear that their reaction (being elderly and not understanding) will force me to do something stupid as a means to the end.
    I know my first step would be to file my taxes and face the music but I don't know where to begin. I am not financially saavy. I have no money to pay anyone. I can get another job, I'm a hard worker. Without filing the taxes, there can be no license, or registration or insurance. I am literally at the end of my rope.

    I have certainly made some stupid choices in my life and I honestly don't know why. This problem could have been resolved years ago but I chose to ignore everything and continue my life as though everything is wonderful. I can't eat anymore, I have not slept a full night's sleep in 3 years.

    I am down to a matter of days here. What do I do????? I hope that I will feel better just by telling somebody all of this but I am too embarassed and ashamed for how they will react. When I tell you that NOBODY will see this coming, I mean NOBODY. If I didn't leave a suicide note, they would think my death was by natural causes....that's how alone I am in this.

    Please, please can anyone help??? How did I become such a horrible person?? Not horrible to people, to myself. How could I actually let it come to this?? I have lied to everyone I care about. Everyone!!!! This has to come to an end, one way or another. Thanks for reading. I will appreciate every reply I get.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i am glad you are talking here hun letting go of some of the stress the thoughts. Killing yourself hun would only cause so much trauma to your son and parents. As parents they would understand hun and help you get back on your feet. Talk to your doctor ok reach o ut in real life a nd get the help you need to get back on your feet It can be done hun get your depression under control get you stable again ones step at a time hugs
  3. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Dear Stisme - total eclipse is absolutely right and we all have made poor choices - maybe not the same ones but certainly equally poor. Part of depression includes an ability to be overwhelmed and just ignore things because dealing with them takes too much energy, time, thought.

    YOU are important. Your health and well being are important. You need assistance/help and a doctor and psychologist or counselor are the best start. The doc for meds and taking care of your general health. The therapist/counselor for taking care of your mental health. They are good for talking to and for emotional support. You need a hand up out of the darkness that's made you look to suicide as a cure, an escape.

    SF is an excellent place to begin. There are so many here that can understand. It may not be easy. It may be scary. Try to ignore THAT and just deal with making you feel good. This is a blip on the radar of life. Once you've started to feel less overwhelmed and alone you will be able to deal with all the "regulatory" crap society and government have thrust upon us. Just take it one step at a time and being kind to you is the first step.

    Please keep talking here. Please keep sharing. You are the most important soul in this and you deserve to be at the top of the list of people to take care of.♥♥♥
  4. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    You can get your life back on track. I don't see anything here that can't be undone. You just have to get the ball rolling. Your problems won't disappear overnight, but once you start implementing a plan, you'll be on the road to putting this behind you, and that will bring you some relief. You won't be thrown in jail because of your taxes, but you will have to work with the IRS in good faith. You have a family that cares about you and will miss you. You are in a hole, but this is something that can be overcome. You can't just continue to ignore it, however.
  5. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Thank you to all of you who responded to my thread. I have taken the first step by telling...YOU!! My problem with seeing the doctor is that I no longer have health insurance since I quit my job.....I wasn't going to need it. I feel as though I am in a dark hole and can't seem to make a plan in my head as to how to fix this.....if I can fix this. I am extremely concerned as to how my family will react when I tell them. If it is in a negative way, I am so afraid that it will force me to do what I can't seem to do on my own. If that makes any sense. My plan so far is to tell them this coming Friday. I know it seems too far away but under the circumstances, it is the best day. I just feel so alone and afraid. I know that no one but me created these problems. I can't even blame this on mental health....it was me who allowed this to happen and it has to be me to mend it. I'm just not sure I can.
  6. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    You can...you've raised children, you've held a job, you've helped others ~ now you will learn how to do this. :hug:

    There may be services that can help for little or no money. You are more important than either of those things. Don't wait to seek something out there. I've met at least two people that assured me, when I was deep in my hole and completely unaware that I was depressed, that insurance and money was not the issue. I don't know where you are but I will ask about how to find such help anywhere. :D
  7. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Thank you Much afraid for your kind words. I live in Rhode Island (I think I can put that info here). My mind is so scrambled right now. One minute, I think I have a plan, the next I have no idea for a plan. I think I am going to send a letter to my PC doctor to try to explain myself somewhat. I have been going to him for 30 years.....we sort of grew up together.. I hadn't seen him for serveral years before my visit in February 2013. I was very deceitful at this visit as my only plan was to get the medication I needed for "that day". He trusted me and I feel terrible for my actions. I promised him that I would be back for my visit in April believing at the time I would be gone. I can't go back to him as I have no insurance any longer. I feel the need to apologize to him for my deceitfulness and to explain why I won't be coming back to see him. It would be one thing done on my list of atonements. Does this make sense to anyone to do this?? Or, am I just not thinking clearly enough to recognize what I'm doing?? I just don't know anymore.
  8. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Not a single response. I think I have made a mistake to try to reach out here. This must be what it feels like to call a "hotline" and get no answer. That's what it feels like to me anyway.
  9. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Contact your doctor. Start your medication like you were supposed to.I'm sure your doctor will be understanding.
  10. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Well, I woke up this morning in a foul mood. As you can see by my above post. Sorry about that, because the fact of the matter is reaching out to this site has been extremely helpful. I think just typing the words helped somewhat. I'm not sure how or why but I decided that today was the day!!! Today was the day that I was going to tell my parents the whole ugly truth about their daughter. And so I did!! I was the most emotionally trying conversation that I have ever had with them. I cried, they didn't cry......until I told them about my master plan for the past year...the plan to end my life. That devastated them. My Dad said "everything you have told us today can be fixed." "the part about you taking your own life.....is permanent, non-fixable, done, no return". I turned a corner today. I wrote a letter to my doctor apologizing for my deceitfulness and I told my parents everything.....and I mean everything. I called my previous place of employment to request 2 W-2's that I need. I have a number for my Dad's CPA to call tomorrow. I have for once, taken a step in a positive direction. Granted it is a baby step but a step none the less. How do I feel now after telling them a couple of hours ago??? I feel numb. Is there a weight off my shoulder? No, not really. I have a long road ahead. But for the first time in 6 years, I have something that I thought I would never have again.......Hope!!! Yes, today I have hope. Today was a good day.
  11. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Hi Stisme! I so understand how you feel and you are making perfect sense. I would think a doctor you've known/grown up with would understand too. This life is hard sometimes and it seems impossible when there is so much to do and no one to really help "get things done." I'm still working on dealing with things like cars, insurance, taxes - I don't open my mail 90% of the time. :( :)

    Your PC may have suggestions for colleagues that work on a sliding scale basis - people pay based on what they can afford (and if that means zero money/zero insurance that's fine.). The important thing is you and you having access to the help you need. My counseling is through a group called Wellspring. It is a Christian counseling organization - may have office(s) in your area. There are several "wellspring" named orgs if you google so don't get scared (as I did) if you come across in patient rehab places. That's not the right one. ;)

    I did find a listing that gives a directory of counselor s in RI and it can be narrowed down to where or near where you are. This is the link for that: http://m.therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?state=RI&spec=2

    When I first met RG, my counselor, he was very adamant that if I could not afford to pay that was not a problem. I'd been off work a year and had begun a job but didn't know about insurance - we didn't have much in reserve either. I was so very broken and sad and his only focus was bringing me out of my darkness. I want to believe everyone has access irl to this kind of caring and assistance.

    Please let me know how you are and how things go with your PC. Talk with him if you can - he should be connected to/with a number of resources we don't know about. Keep looking up my friend. I'm thinking of you and seeing each day improving over the last. ♥
  12. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Much Afraid....just the mere fact that you took the time to respond to my post.....well, it makes me feel good. I had another terrible night of sleep because I am still on overload. It helps to know that other people have either been in a similar situation or just simply understand what I'm trying to say. Thank for the info on Wellspring. I will certainly look into that. The part about not opening your mail.....reading that, was as though I typed it myself. I'm hoping to hear from my doctor and I believe I will. I want to thank you again, your very kind and helpful. I will try to keep looking up. Remember, I am here for you too, if you need me.
  13. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Hi Stisme! I just got the chance to read your thread. First - you are very welcome. Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I too am familiar with waiting for responses and I don't always wait very patiently. ;)

    I have to tell you I am so proud of you taking those HUGE steps! Talking to your parents or your doctor would both be giant positive moves individually and you did both. See, I knew you were strong ~ and even strong people can't lift everything. I'm so glad you talked to your folks and were brave and vulnerable enough to tell them the whole truth. That took amazing faith and courage.

    Way to go Stisme! Woo HOO!!!! ♥♥♥

    Thank you also for your kind words and offer to listen. I'm sure we'll be chatting. My roller coaster life ride has been better this past week but there are still some major "hills" in my path. One day and one step at a time...

    TTYS - Good Work Too! :hug: :D
  14. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Thanks again, Much afraid!!!! I have an appt with a CPA on Monday.....yikes!!!! Reality is slapping me in the face. Right now it's still 6 days away....but I know that Monday morning I am going to want to run.....like I always do. The old "if I ignore it, it will go away". But this time....I'm not going to run...I have to face this head on, as difficult as I know it is going to be, I'm sure I have faced worse. Not necessarily with the IRS but I have faced some bad things.

    Oh, and while talking with the CPA and giving him info......you know what he says "sounds like maybe you'll be getting some refunds back.......are ya kidding me??? I just want to make sure the IRS doesn't take both my arms and leg too.....lol We'll see how it goes.

    You take care and your right....one day and one step at a time......if you ask for more than that....your asking for trouble.
  15. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Well, yesterday afternoon while I was away from my phone, my PC called and left me a message. I appears he has received and read my letter. The way I would have typically handled this would be to simply delete the voicemail without even listening to it....out of sight, out of mind. I listened to the message....he sounded stern but at the same time compassionate. Guess what I did???? Today, I returned his call!!! I did it!!! Of course, he is not available today but his office assured me that he would call me tomorrow. I still haven't had the conversation with him yet (which will be difficult) but this is "huge" for me. I didn't turn my back on this "scary" thing...
  16. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Stisme that is AWESOME! I'm so glad you did that. Each scary thing helps build up and confirm us. I am so proud of you ♥♥♥♥♥!!! :dance: :first: :dance:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 4, 2013
  17. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Thank you so much Much afraid....as usual you are right there encouraging me every step of the way!!! You will never know what that means to me....
  18. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Well, I did it!!! I faced my demons head on today. I went to see the accountant....phew!!!! That was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. Yesterday, it started with the extreme anxiety all day knowing tomorrow was almost here. The relatively sleepless night last night. This morning, I thought about the "running way", my typical avoidance. It was like waiting to be shot for the time of the appointment to come. I had to focus on my breathing....I hate that feeling. I have been focusing on the absolute worst case scenario for as long as I can remember....years. The accountant told me it might not be the best case scenario, but it should be a good scenario. Nothing is 100% yet, but after all is said and done, I might be getting some money back. Woohoo!! All I am asking for is to break even and be in good standing with the IRS. If I get a little extra money, that would help with getting my license back and registering my car.

    I don't like coming here and sounding as though I am "boasting" or "bragging" when so many other people are in such turmoil. This is a great accomplishment for me. I was able to face what I considered to be "the enemy" head on (well, it's not over yet). Either way, worst scenario or best scenario, I had to face what has long been my downfall for so, so many years. It was the next step to getting my life back on track. I'm still terrified that I may get the rug pulled out from under me. If I do, then I will have to face that situation head on as well. I made the initial effort, on my own, to began making things right again. That's all I can ask for today.
  19. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Stisme that is so very awesome!!!! I completely relate to the anxiety and reaction of having to force myself to breathe. I am so very proud of you. Cannot wait to hear how it turns out with "Uncle Sam" ;). As long as he gets his $$$ probably okay. Way to face those demons!!! ❤❤❤

    P.S. Boast away, give yourself great kudos - you deserve a great amount of praise ~ from yourself AND others. That was no small hurdle you just jumped! Yayyyyy Stisme!!!!!!!!! Excellent job!
  20. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    There you are again, Much afraid.....right there to be my champion. I can't thank you enough for that!!! Hope you are well and I will definitely let you know if "Uncle Sam" is a good "uncle" or not!!! Take care.
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