I feel like a stranger.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by bboxer, May 5, 2011.

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  1. bboxer

    bboxer Member

    Hello everyone...first post.

    Basically I have a question (or a statement?), as I am wondering if other people out there feel or have felt the same way.

    So...I was once a very outgoing person with what I thought to be a lot of self confidence, and a great sense of humour. I liked to have a good time and had tons of great friendships/relationships; I was going to school, and I had a lot of dreams and plans for my future. Then over a period of about two years I just slowly fell into the depression hole.

    School was the first to suffer and it became an epic struggle in my life until I decided to end it with 12 credits left! Then the friendships went, because I feel like such a failure with school/life and have isolated myself away from the world. Even those who have hung on and try to carry on with me (awesome, understanding people) are being pushed away because I am so embarrassed by my existence these past few years.

    On top of all this I have dealt with self harm, and issues with alcohol, all of this pretty much in the secrecy of my own little world. Recently I have had to move back in with my parents, after being completely independent since I was 17! I have completely killed any self esteem I may have once had. Effectively what I’m trying to get at is that I feel like whoever I once was is dead, like I have killed whoever I use to be. That is horrific. Anyone feel that way?

    Bah...I just needed to get that out because I miss having ‘a life’ and not this numb disaster where I, a 24 year old guy, barely leave the house. Life is difficult and i don't know who I am anymore.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi welcome to SF sound very familar hun. I hope you go get some help okay you need to see a professional get diagnosed sounds like depression If that is treated i think you will find that you that died a few years ago when depression hit. talk to your gp or mental health professional okay get on some meds maybe get some therapy while you are still young so you can get that independance back hugs
  3. kreative1

    kreative1 Well-Known Member

    Hey, it's like you have channeled me and written my history, it started for me around 23, 24 and now I'm 35. Get 3 note books, 1 for positive, 1 for negative and 1 your life's history. Write down every thing that is currently positive in your life, negative and write things in your life that made you cry, smile, painful. Write about people in your life and how they affect you. Then go to your GP, tell the GP that you feel lifeless and mentally tried. Don't accept any depression meds from the GP, your there for the GP to see that no other issues are causing your current situation. Once the GP rules out any other factors, ask for a referral note to a Psych. book yourself in for a session and bring the note books with you. Be honest and remember nothing you say is taboo or wrong. If you feel comfortable towards the end of the session show them your note books, they can go through your writings and develop a proper mental plan that address certain issues and conditions. Not sure where you live, here in Australia with a GP note and referral, the government credit's back up to 60-70% psych payments you do, so check with your government. Just my 2 cents worth.
  4. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel. Depression and anxiety strips us of our very identity. I also feel like the old me...the REAL me...is dead, and has been dead for a very long time. I also no longer know who I am anymore...and it's scary to feel so disassociated with yourself. Right now, I'm trying to do things I used to enjoy to try and bring the old me back out though there's still a long way to go. What I do know though, is that this person here atm...that is NOT who I am. Here if you ever want to talk.
  5. ConfusedSilence

    ConfusedSilence Well-Known Member

    I've been pushing my friends away for years now. I know the lonliness. Talk to someone. Go see a doctor or a counsellor. Just say exactly what you've said here. Even just talking will probably help.

    Hope you feel better.
  6. bboxer

    bboxer Member

    Thanks for all the replies everyone. Much appreciated.

    I know I need to make the steps to seek help, I have known this for ages and I have in the past sought out some help (the beginning stages of it all). However, I seem to find myself becoming insanely defensive on the subject, or just all around horrified with the idea of ‘people knowing’, ‘needing help’ or talking about much of anything and end it all as soon as possible or let it all eventually drop off with missed appointments/lack of follow through etc. I need to get over this stigma. BLAAAH!

    Anytime my parents (anyone really) have suggested something along the lines of “do you need to see a doctor/talk to someone?” I feel angry, anxious and blow the whole idea off with telling them that I’m fine and can figure it all out myself. Which I think I honestly believe even in light of being more reasonable. I’m decent at putting on a good face, I guess, and just ‘going with it’ at a level that other people find less alarming. So I really hope that it’s not offensive or something for me to post my shit on here when I feel so averse to doing (again, with commitment) what I CAN easily do to get some help for myself.

    I don’t disregard the advice of others...I’m just horrified by everything involving introspection involving others at this stage. I’m really ashamed and embarrassed of/by myself.

    I want to pretend I’m ok. I mean these days I am much better than I have been in the past and I really seem to hold onto that change. I am always thinking it will get better (or is getting better) and then I won’t have to do anything or REALLY tell anyone about this and its impact on my life.

    Blah blah blah rant rant rant...the internet makes things easier to talk about. I’m glad I found these forums.
  7. kreative1

    kreative1 Well-Known Member

    I too could not care less seeking help and talking about it, all I ever do is talk about it, over it, don't wanta even share space with any1, but yet we talking about over 10 years for me. Look in to the mirror, and say to your self, "look at me, wtf, no more like this, doing something about it" and make the call to start the process. Just walk in and say whats on your mind, no excuses needed to any1, your healing yourself, f**k what some1 else thinks or says, do it for you mate.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you don't have to pretend you're ok with us.

    you can tell us the truth

    we've all been there.

    reaching out for help was the best thing i've ever done. i have no regrets. and i was very resistant to changing up the status quo. i thought that badness like mine could never be fixed, so why bother. i was wrong.

    keep talking

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