I feel like a terrible person

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ExtraSoap, Oct 24, 2011.

  1. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    First off, let me say that I considered making another account for some of the things i'm going to say here, but what the hell, if I can't be honest on the internet, where can i be honest? So here goes:
    I feel like I'm just a sick bastard. When I was looking thrugh the rape and abuse section there was one thread that was a little more, shall we say, descriptive. Now, don't get me wrong, rape is a terrible thing and all rapists should get their balls chopped off with a rusty axe, but I got aroused from it. Like, some part of me enjoyed it. I'm so ashamed to admit that, especially seeing the effects rape has on people. There is no excuse for that. Am I any better than those fucks who d rape women, I didn't do it but apparently I enjoy that shit. Why am i like that, I know how bad it is, but i still get turned on by it? Jesus, I'm just a fucked up asshole. Then theres just now. I saw a post in the suicide section about an american citizen stuck in Spain and selling her body to get money to go home. I tried to intervene, but she attempted anyway. It didn't work out, so she posted again, saying how pissed she was about the failed attempt. I responded again saying that she should just contact her embassy (after someone else said it first, of course). Now, I saw one today saying she was high and attempting again, so again I tried to talk to her. Hasn't responded. I can't help people, I can barely get my words straight in real life, let alone on a computer. Im not convincing at all, why did I try to help? Because I believed it was possible for me to actually be beneficial to mankind. Now, she probably attempted again, maybe succeeded, and all I can do is go "aw, shit." She is a year younger than me, doing drugs to alleviate the pain, and I can't help her. Am I that useless? I truly wanted to help her and talk her away from the edge, but naturally i fucking couldn't. I'm terrible in school and at life, so why the fuck would I be able to succeed in saving a life? Wow, this is just one big sob story over how much of a bastard I am, sometimes I make myself sick.
     
  2. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    you shouldnt feel bad about not being able to help her. you arent qualified and probably not used to talking to people "on the edge" unlike professionals. but either way, some people just dont respond to anything you tell them bc they are in such messed up situations that they cant see clearly or have been severly depressed for far too long.

    and the other thing, well i think alottt of peole have fantazies like that. its pretty common. you didnt hurt anyone and as long as it remains that way you shouldnt feel guilty
     
  3. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    quite a few people have rape(or domination) fantasies/fetishes.
     
  4. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    I think I knew that I wouldn't end up doing any good anyway, but I guess I always tend to go by the saying "Theres no lost cause if there's one fool left to fight for it." Still, I only wish she would rethink things.

    And regarding the other thing, I still feel terrible about it, I sometimes feel like I target girls who make me feel bad, purposely or not, in them. I still feel like it makes me a horrible, fucked-up person because I enjoy it.