I feel like a total loser

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by david6875, Aug 21, 2008.

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  1. david6875

    david6875 New Member

    But here's the thing - I'm not.

    I've got a glamorous job, a wife who loves me, friends, talent & opportunities. And yet, even as I write all that down, it just seems meaningless.

    I grew up in an intense household - my mum was depressed and angry, my dad was upbeat, loving and super-optimistic. I was smart and confident. I was told how talented I was by family & people at school. I was going to be a big success, they said, and I believed it more than anyone.

    As a teenager, I realised life wasn't as wonderful as I thought it was, and I very quickly became depressed and disillusioned. By thirteen, I realised I no longer cared whether I lived or died. But I still thought that if I lived it was imperative I become a huge success.

    Twenty years later, most people think I've done very well for myself, career-wise. But by my own standards, I'm a total loser, going nowhere.

    I've been through some pretty dark periods, particularly when I left university. I've been in therapy for a few years, but what's the point? I find myself yet again wishing I was dead, feeling everything always goes wrong for me, that it's my destiny that everything should go wrong, I ignore the good things that happen. My wife is at her wits end.

    If I'd had a gun, I'd probably be dead by now, but guns are illegal where I live. I'm too chicken to kill myself any other way. So I just carry on, and wonder how I've just got through another day at work without running away or going crazy.

    When I'm at home or in the street, I mutter to myself that I want to die, I twitch, I bang my head against the wall. I just can't handle the fact that life hasn't turned out as rosy as I assumed it would when I was a kid. That I'm not as much of a bigshot as I thought I'd be.

    To those of you with real problems, I'm sure this all sounds ridiculous, but I literally can't bear my life, and I want to know if anyone can relate to this feeling that I have to fulfill my 'potential', and if I don't it would be better to be dead.

    Thanks, D
  2. Dana..

    Dana.. Well-Known Member

    It really annoys me when people say,
    "what university you off too" and i'm like,
    " i won't be here, i'll be dead."
    Really annoying.
    Same here if i had a gun
  3. DrowningInTears

    DrowningInTears Well-Known Member

    Life is pointless. It wouldnt take much to make me happy, but even that i cant have. all i want is a decent job so i dont want to kill myself every second of every day. thats all i ask, to not be a total loser. but i ask too much i guess. i should kill myself
  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    How about printing your post and giving it to your therapist? Or, find another therapist.

    My career pretty much ended when I was 50. I'd been happy some of the time, frustrated some, angry some, fulfilled a fair amount. But at 50 things kind of fell apart, and I began down the road of clinical depression. At 55 I resigned and went on Social Security disability. My family and friends all thought I was great, doing well in my 35 year career. They just didn't know all the garbage I ingested along the way.

    A therapist at the county mental health has been a huge help in regaining some sense of order in my life. A counselor has encouraged, a psychiatrist has medicated and my wife has endured.

    Yet, suicide is like a low grade infection, always there, sometimes spiking.

    Several things/people keep me alive and going. God is my primary caregiver, you might say, helping me remember people like my wife, my kids, my few friends, my siblings and my mother. Those have been enough 98% of the time to stop me from attempting. The 2% is when I am too depressed to care about all those people. If I had a gun, I might have used it, as you may have. I have means, but coping skills and having people around me validating me without condemning me have made me not to act on those means.

    I'm learning to live in the present. I remind myself that all the trauma and pain of the past no longer exist, at least to the extent I can choose not to dwell on them and to the extent that I can manage to forgive. The future causes anxiety unnecessarily. It isn't present, so it isn't reality. So, why worry about unknown, unknowable events. We do, but it's not rational.

    The only reality is NOW. The past has shaped this moment, but do I let it define this moment? I can choose not to do so, or I can allow it to control my life.

    That's the challenge for all humanity. Some achieve it better than others. I keep reminding myself that my life can go on if I let go of the past and live totally in the present. I can choose to listen to others' expectations or I can live my life the way I choose.

    You appear successful to those around you. But if you're unhappy, you have not achieved success. You've just become successful at wearing the success mask. Life need not go on the way it has. You can make choices that will make you feel fulfilled inside.

    I hope you find that place.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi David. Some people on this forum will say that you have a really good life, since you're married, have a good job and you're in good health. Those are some things that many people only dream about. You sound like a very high achiever. You know, it's ok if you don't live up to your highest poetential. You can still have an enjoyable life, all the same. Let me give you an example. I thought that I was going to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into medical school, so I became a teacher instead and I still enjoy my life. :smile:
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sometimes we put expectations on our lives that are either unrealistic or we just ended up not following that path in life. Instead of viewing it as a failure, view what you have accomplished as a success. So many people plan on something when they are younger and end up in completely different places. Some of the greatest inventors did what they did by accident. Thank goodness they didn't give up because they hadn't followed the expectations they had set for themselves. :hug:
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi David,
    Take those expectations of others and throw them out. The only person you have to answer to is your self! It sounds like to me that you have always been a work alcoholic. You let others dictate how you should live!!
    I am sorry if you haven't reached your ultimate goal. Maybe you should back up and start out with short term goals so they can get you back on track. Please keep posting so we know you are o.k. Take Care...
  8. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Hey David I can totally relate to your situation. I’m only 24 and already I'm making more money that most people in America. By the time I’m 30 I will be making more money than 80% of the population here. And that’s if I don’t try AT ALL for any advancement or work a single overtime.

    But I feel empty and absolutely miserable. I also feel like I haven’t achieved anything at all. But my problem stems from the fact that I have had many horrible experiences in life, some of which continue on today.

    From what you wrote, you didn’t state any external stimulus that makes you feel this way(besides your after university period). I think your problem is purely mental. You may have a chemical imbalance in your brain that prevents you from feeling happy. Or you may just need to change your train of though to realize that everything you have achieved is meaningful. Have you ever thought about going back to see a psychiatrist again? I think in your case there is a very good chance that getting professional help may solve your problem.
  9. DrowningInTears

    DrowningInTears Well-Known Member

    bleh i dont care about money i just want to do something i like thats all i want. but i am denied even taht jus kill me somebody come shoot me in the face!
  10. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    it doesn't sound ridiculous at all, david. the right therapist/counscelor
    (bleck, I hate those words. excuse me for a moment...I need to hurl)
    ok, much better...ahem *cough* OR, here's some newspeak for ya,
    a "LIFE COACH' might really be able to help you. I know, I hate all that
    buzzword crap my own self. I have yet to find a life coach worth his or
    her salt. plenty of dime a dozen ($200.00 per hour) carpetbaggers out
    there. but if you get LUCKY, really LUCKY maybe someone can convince
    you that all your preconceived notions were manure. and, you are not
    the proverbial lone ranger. and it aint YOUR fault. you did not invent
    the charade. you're just one of the players.....

    life is a joke. a bad joke. not necessarily a funny ha ha joke. but you
    don't have to bang your head against the wall. in fact, stop doing that.

    I apologize. I am preaching. like stinks. it has always stunk. it always will.
    do your bit, whatever it is and get on with it! but don't blame yourself
    for thre lies and deceptions that have been passed down thru the ages,
    not to mention crammed down our throats thru the ages.

    ok, one question...what is your 'full potential'? if you post back, we can
    go from there. meanwhile, seeing as how i don't know you at all, and have
    no idea how old you are, I cannot recommend any inspirational rock
    music to listen to. give me a clue and i will make recommendations
    accordingly :)
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I just thought I would reply to the rock-n-roll! I am 51 years old and listen to both rock-n-roll, and country! My all time favorite band is Saliva-back in to you system, And my second choice is Puddle of Mudd!!
    I prefer rock-n-roll over all other kinds of music. So you see it is possible that a lot of us old farts still have it.Take Care!!!
  12. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I don't see you responding to all who have written you. I hope there's been some useful wisdom to be had.

    I would say one thing that I know could elicit a lot of anger and disagreement, but since it's something I believe inside, I'll tell you. Have you given any thought to God? He could fill that emptiness you're feeling.

    I will now take shelter from the rocks and rotten tomatoes being hurled my direction.
  13. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    one thing i will always promote is hobbies, i nigh on live for falconry. a hobby you are passinate about is something to get out of bed for, a reward at the end of a hard week. write down a list of things you've always wanted to do, or have previously tried and want to do again. then see if you can work it out so you can do them more often.
  14. david6875

    david6875 New Member

    Thank you for all the thoughtful and thought-provoking replies.

    I appreciate the attempts to persuade me of the futility of my way of thinking e.g.

    "Some people on this forum will say that you have a really good life, since you're married, have a good job and you're in good health. You sound like a very high achiever. You know, it's ok if you don't live up to your highest potential."

    "Sometimes we put expectations on our lives that are either unrealistic or we just ended up not following that path in life. Instead of viewing it as a failure, view what you have accomplished as a success"

    My therapist also tries to appeal to me in the same way. On a rational level, I know that what you say is true. But I don't FEEL it's true. It's as if my self-destructive mode of thinking is hard-wired into my brain. I've been brainwashed (or have brainwashed myself) into believing I have to have an extremely successful career.

    Or, to look at it another way:

    middleofnowhere, you find your strength in God, and you suggest I do the same. You BELIEVE in God, you FEEL His presence in your life, though it's debatable whether there is any persuasive rational argument that He exists.

    Similarly, I have no rational cause to believe I must or should have a hugely successful career. In fact all rational argument tells me my obsession is destructive. Yet I BELIEVE in it, I FEEL that it's necessary.

    And it's killing me. Because I can't - and probably will never - live up to my own expectations.
  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Is it possible that you have set the bar too high for yourself? You know, there are some things that some people just can't do. It's not because you're not trying hard enough, it's just impossible. I'm not saying that you should set lower goals, but just be realistic with your goals and aspirations. :smile:
  16. amei

    amei Well-Known Member

  17. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    You read something in to my response that wasn't there. "You feel God's presence." If all I had was a feeling, what would be the point. I could feel anything and name it god. I think, from your initial post, that you have more than a "feeling" of love toward your wife. Rather, it is a knowing of her and her of you. Knowing includes feeling, I should think, but the two are separate. I know my wife intimately after having been married to her for 36 years. If all our marriage were based on was feeling, it would have ended long ago because feelings are not foundational. A lot of marriages end because one partner says "I don't feel in love with you anymore." Whenever I hear that, I think one of several things. The first is BS. The marriage was conceived in feeling and feelings can lie or change. Another thing that goes through my mind is "Give me a break. You're just using that as an excuse to get out and hop into bed with some other person toward whom you feel love (which kind of love can usually be spelled l-u-s-t). Overgeneralizations, perhaps, but they are observable in relationships.

    I love God in part because of the feelings elicited by being in His presence, but if it started and ended on feelings, the relationship would soon end. I know God partly because of my feelings toward Him, but I love Him more because I have come to know Him through the Holy Spirit and through learning more about Him in the Bible. Does any of that make sense to you?
  18. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    Good reply...

    No it doesn't sound ridiculous any problem(s) that make one consider suicide are no joking matter. At the same time I do read alot of people on here's post and they're physically fine, they look like normal people, are able to do most of the things they want to yet their still really down on themselves. I do get a bit jealous wishing those were my only problems.then again I made my own bed(bad desicions) so I have to lie in it. Even if genetically I was predispositioned to health problems.

    Have you conisdered medication? I agree with the chemical imbalance thing to me it sounds like you should't have much to be depressed about( although you never know until walking in someone else's shoes).
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