I am fat. I know that I am fat. I have tried countless diets, exercise plans, and the whole lot. I am slowly going down to a normal size now, but EVER FUCKING DAY someone has to make a snide comment about who I am. Like I just woke up and today I am fat and didn't realize it. That if I simply ate less I would be "normal" enough for everyone around me. I look at myself everyday and feel disgusted. I hate my own skin. I have been this way my entire life. Its who I am. I can't stand the attitude that I can magically change in a weekend. That I am some how weak. That it is assumed I will want the extra left overs. That I sit on my ass all day and eat junk food. That I am lazy. I am treated as sub human. Living in Korea makes it worse. They openly stare and call me PIG (in Korean) to my face in public. Random people on the street run up to me to touch my fat. Strangers and co workers and everyone feels it is their duty to tell me I should really lose weight. I am 6'3 and I weigh 280 pounds. Last year I weighed 360 pounds. Yet I feel more disgusted now then I did then. It is hard for me to date, to be accepted, I feel like the best supporting actor in my own fucking life. All the clothes I can wear are unattractive and either make me look fatter or ridiculous. If I was black and someone called me the N word I would have the right to be upset. But it is OK to poke fun at me because of my size. Every time a person calls me fat it makes me feel like a helpless little boy again. No matter what I do, what I have accomplished, its all some sort of joke because I am fat. I am always assumed to be an idiot or not intelligent because I am fat. I am so sick of it! I am slowly trying to change myself for my health. But what gives people the right to treat me like this? What have I ever done to anyone that lets this happen? Anyone can put me in my place by telling me what a fat disgusting pig I am, it always puts me in a dark mood and it makes me feel like doing bad things to myself and others. I hate be constantly rejected. I hate that I can't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to hurt myself. I used to self injure myself too. My chest is riddled with scars from my past. Again I don't know why I even posted this. The magic answer to all of this would be to just buck up and lose the weight fatty! Gee I never thought about that?! Been trying 20 years and counting. Fuck everyone. I need help! I honestly have to restrain myself from beating someone to death with my hands just for calling me fat. Because it really does hurt that much. Because it reminds me of all the times and failures and pain that is related with me being a fat fuck. Every girl that rejected me, every kid that beat me up in school, every time I had to wear ugly clothes. Every time people would stare and laugh and gawk. All the times I avoided going swimming at the beach or the pool because of how disgusting I am. Every time that I wasn't taken seriously just because I am fat. All of the missed opportunities and heart ache. Ever night that I sat in my room dragging a razor across my chest and stomach. Every time I bought a hooker because I feel I am too ugly to ever have a girl friend that will honestly love me for who I am and not how I look. So yeah that's me. A 280 6'3 26 year old ex cop who cries when people call him fat. Fuck my life, seriously.