I feel like a whinny loser for posting this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mcviking, Mar 1, 2010.

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  1. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I am fat. I know that I am fat. I have tried countless diets, exercise plans, and the whole lot. I am slowly going down to a normal size now, but EVER FUCKING DAY someone has to make a snide comment about who I am. Like I just woke up and today I am fat and didn't realize it.

    That if I simply ate less I would be "normal" enough for everyone around me. I look at myself everyday and feel disgusted. I hate my own skin. I have been this way my entire life. Its who I am. I can't stand the attitude that I can magically change in a weekend. That I am some how weak.

    That it is assumed I will want the extra left overs. That I sit on my ass all day and eat junk food. That I am lazy. I am treated as sub human. Living in Korea makes it worse. They openly stare and call me PIG (in Korean) to my face in public. Random people on the street run up to me to touch my fat.

    Strangers and co workers and everyone feels it is their duty to tell me I should really lose weight. I am 6'3 and I weigh 280 pounds. Last year I weighed 360 pounds. Yet I feel more disgusted now then I did then. It is hard for me to date, to be accepted, I feel like the best supporting actor in my own fucking life. All the clothes I can wear are unattractive and either make me look fatter or ridiculous.

    If I was black and someone called me the N word I would have the right to be upset. But it is OK to poke fun at me because of my size. Every time a person calls me fat it makes me feel like a helpless little boy again. No matter what I do, what I have accomplished, its all some sort of joke because I am fat. I am always assumed to be an idiot or not intelligent because I am fat.

    I am so sick of it! I am slowly trying to change myself for my health. But what gives people the right to treat me like this? What have I ever done to anyone that lets this happen? Anyone can put me in my place by telling me what a fat disgusting pig I am, it always puts me in a dark mood and it makes me feel like doing bad things to myself and others.

    I hate be constantly rejected. I hate that I can't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to hurt myself. I used to self injure myself too. My chest is riddled with scars from my past. Again I don't know why I even posted this.

    The magic answer to all of this would be to just buck up and lose the weight fatty! Gee I never thought about that?! Been trying 20 years and counting. Fuck everyone. I need help! I honestly have to restrain myself from beating someone to death with my hands just for calling me fat.

    Because it really does hurt that much. Because it reminds me of all the times and failures and pain that is related with me being a fat fuck. Every girl that rejected me, every kid that beat me up in school, every time I had to wear ugly clothes. Every time people would stare and laugh and gawk. All the times I avoided going swimming at the beach or the pool because of how disgusting I am. Every time that I wasn't taken seriously just because I am fat. All of the missed opportunities and heart ache. Ever night that I sat in my room dragging a razor across my chest and stomach. Every time I bought a hooker because I feel I am too ugly to ever have a girl friend that will honestly love me for who I am and not how I look.

    So yeah that's me. A 280 6'3 26 year old ex cop who cries when people call him fat. Fuck my life, seriously.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    No one has the right to treat you like that. It is also certainly NOT ok for people to poke fun at you because of your size.

    I so hear your pain. It sounds, to be honest, like you're being bullied by society, and no one deserves that.

    Its not as simple as 'losing weight' or anything like that, as you clearly know. I don't know your history, or you, but has anyone ever looked at your eating problems in respect of an eating disorder (such as compulsive over eating or binge eating disorder)? Have you ever had any sort of professional help for how you feel and what goes on and has gone on for you? Also, do you have any support while you lose the weight?

    From where I stand, you havedone incredibly. You have lost an incredible amount of weight and you should be so proud of yourself, and its so sad you aren't, because you deserve to be proud.

    What concerns me is how much more disgusting you feel with yourself. I'm unsure if that's because potentially a coping mechanism of food has been cut down, or whether you're losing weight in an unhealthy way, but something doesn't sound right, so is there anyone you could talk to?

    Please keep talking here.

    I hear you and very definitely hear your pain.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just want you to know that you're not a loser. I can see how much pain you're in just by the things you said in your post. Nobody has the right to treat you that way, to make you feel so bad about yourself. Society can be cruel!
  4. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I am pretty sure I used to comfort eat. Sometimes I still do. IF I felt sad or lonely or bored I would eat. But then I would feel awful later. I am prone to addictive behaviors. I currently smoke cigarettes and drink quite heavily on weekends. I have had past issues with alcohol abuse, drug use and abuse, and my most recent vice; prostitutes.

    I have lost weight because I cut down my portion sizes and Korean food simply has less fat and calories then the average Western diet. I don't have a car in Korea so I get more inadvertent exercise. When I went to a therapist to talk about my sexual abuse history, they said that I had some symptoms of PTSD. I have read lots of studies about the subject in college, so it is possible I may have used weight gain as a defense mechanism against further sexual abuse.

    I should feel proud but when I see myself in the mirror I don't look any different. Although the scale and my pants size tell me that can't be true. It seems to be such a ridiculous thing to feel suicidal about but my weight is literally the catalyst to almost all of the pain,suffering, disappointments and failures in my life.

    I will keep trying to lose weight the good old fashioned way, but it is such a downer and such a stumbling block to hear from everyone around you how useless you are. I almost argued with a deaf couple today while I was eating at a restaurant who were sitting next to me and were using sign language to talk about how fat I am. So fucking rude and inconsiderate. Everywhere I go I hear the sneers and the laughs. It makes me want to stick my thumbs in their eyes. I want to make them feel an iota of the pain that I feel.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Yes, when you're doing something great for yourself and other people don't recongise and validate that, and in actual fact do the complete opposite, it can be devastating. Try to remember though, that you're not doing this for them, you are doing this for you.

    Would you consider going back to a therapist?
  6. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    But I am doing this for them. I should be able to be happy. I am being forced to conform to what everyone around me considers to be attractive. I am doing it because I don't want to be made fun of anymore and I want to be taken seriously. But if those prejudices weren't there to begin with then I could be happy with who I am.
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    If you're eating for comfort though, it implies that you're not that happy with some aspect of you life (this, in my eyes is what needs addressing, and may well be the horrific things you have previously been through), although I do hear what you say about doing it so you don't get made fun of.
  8. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I am unhappy because I am alone and feel that I will never be suitable as a mate. I eat when I feel lonely. ( In the past not so much these days) HTis eating make me more unsuitable. A self destructive cycle.

    The sexual abuse and PTSD and police service all relate to one thing. Me feeling unloved, unattractive, and lonely. And the feeling that everyday I get older, and less likely to find the thing in life that would make me truly happy and content. That I am one day closer to dying alone. That I will never have a family. That I am not worthy of finding love. That maybe what happened to me somehow tainted me. The feelings I get everytime I see a happy couple and I just die a little inside. OF every girl I talked to that loves me only as a friend and will then complain to me about how much of an asshole her boyfriend is. That some girls I have been involved with would rather be with an abusive, drug addicted, cheating scum bag, then even to entertain the idea of seeing me as their boy friend. I went to therapy for a long time about my previous sexual abuse experiences and feel that I am generally past that hump.
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Your self esteem and self worth sounds, understandably, very low. I wonder if working really hard to boost it may help you. You are so, so much more than your weight, and your appearance. You have good qualities and bad qualities like everyone else.

    We don't know what the future holds, so saying you will never have a family is not necessarily going to be true, although, potentially it could be a self fullfilling prophecy.

    It may be though, that having that one person won't help ease the loneliness because often that painful and chronic loneliness is an inner pain and not dependent on having people around us.

    I'm glad you have healed the pain the sexual abuse caused. I'm sorry for presuming otherwise about that. To over come that, you are an incredibly strong person and you can achieve pretty much anything you put your mind to in this life.
  10. jwill226

    jwill226 Member

    I can relate to a lot of what you said. But for me I'm 6'1" and 330 pounds. I gave up on diets a long time ago; I can't stick with them. I wasn't a cop but my size is one of the reasons i'm not able to do the only job I ever loved.

    I don't have a magic answer so I guess I'm just saying your not alone. Also your a bigger man then me on the inside. If someone where to walk up to me and touch my fat and laugh at me I don't think I would be able to just walk away from that. I live in the USA and people here know that doing that is something you would get your ass kicked for.
  11. ozbound

    ozbound Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I empathize with you at my biggest I was 336lb and a 48" waist and people thought it was their duty to let me know I was fat!!! Yeah like I had forgotten I'm now 210lb and a 34" waist and no surgery. So I know a bit of what your going through if you ever need to talk feel free to pm me.
  12. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    Its good to hear I am not alone in this. Its hard to talk about any of these things usually with people, especially as a guy, and a big guy at that. All of my issues, body acceptance, sexual dysfunction, rape related PTSD all are unfortunately considered by most in society to be women's issues.

    I sometimes joke around when I am having a bitch fest with some friends that I have "chick problems." I know that sounds extremely sexist, but it leads me to the point that it is very hard to talk about any of these things without a resulting stigma. I lost some friends when they found out about my sexual abuse history. I was some how less of a man in their eyes or something. When I was younger I would be set off if someone called me "******" because I never had many girl friends. One time I put a kid in the hospital for it. When the school officials pulled me off of him i just couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to hurt him but I had to silence him.

    At one point recently I even experimented in homosexuality, despite how awful that really is to repeat my past. I was very drunk and it was just nice to hear someone say I was good looking or attractive. I regret doing it immensely. We talked for a while and he had a similar past. At the time I didn't care and almost half enjoyed it, but the next couple of weeks I just had this sick feeling all of the time. I don't have a disdain for homosexuals in any way shape or form but I decided that route isn't for me.

    Most people say I am not ugly but just far too fat. But it still hurts me to be this way. If I only lost the weight...Really? Are people that shallow that the stipulation between love and happiness and infinite loneliness and despair is the size of my fucking waistline?

    Any way TMI/rant over. I love the internet. I can say what I really want to and not have to be judged forever for things that happened to me that were out of my control. Thanks for listening.
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Just wanted to say you are not alone.. I am 6'2" and my weight fluctuates between 287 and 307.. I am pretty sure I gained all my weight from drinking pepsi all the time..At least thats what the doctor told me..When I get under 300 it makes me feel good about myself..Don't beleive what people say about you.. For your height Being that heavy is not a big thing.. Sure I would like to get back down to 220, But I get no exercise because I am an isolationist..I had one girl tell me that I carry my weight well..She couldn't beleive I was that heavy..Don't torture your self over this.. I found a way to loose weight.. I eat alot of salads with some grilled meat in them.. Then for a snack I eat fruit..I need to get back on that diet..Take Care and be Proud of who you are..Everyone else can just piss off..
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