I feel like an attention *****...

[PandaD]

...Though I don't tell people what's going on in my mind.

I don't see the point in going to school anymore. I've suffered from depression on and off for the past 6 years and this was my one last chance to get it right (20yrs old), but my head won't let me.

I tried to go, burst out in tears, I feel so depressed and have anxiety. There are days when I only get out of bed to go to the toilet and eat, or get beer.

I feel bad because there are people who have gone through a lot more shit than I have,
but my psychologist said I've had a lot of trouble in my life (only had 1 appointment yet).
Yesterday I didn't even have the energy to go to the appointment. I think she called me a couple of times but I was too scared to pick up the phone
And I don't think she understands me

The past weeks I've been interested in/obsessed with suicide and I've been reading and trying to find out what would be the least painful way.
There is one thing keeping me alive: my mom, cause I've seen her cry when my brother died... I don't want her to be in pain when I go away...

I self-harm and drink to numb these feelings.
I also eat a lot, and feel like a failure cause I'm too scared to purge... I know it doesn't make sense

I don't like to go out anymore, except at night, to smoke a cigarette alone somewhere in the corner of the street. It's dark without noise, nothing to stress me out
Sometimes I see my friends but it's more because I'm scared they'll hate me if I stay in and be negative all the time

I feel guilty because there's nothing wrong in my life, I'm just so scared of the future and getting sick of this depression which comes and goes but gets worse every year. I felt suicidal for the first time in the beginning of 2012, but then my depression 'stopped' for a few months, I had so much energy but unfortunately also a lot of agression
But it came back in December/January

I think that I'm ugly and that I'm a failure, when I'm alone I hit and scratch myself a lot in the face
When I'm not thinking I do it in public too but I hold it in
I want to hurt my face with something sharp

Sometimes I think I have an undiagnosed mental disorder
I don't want to learn to cope with these feelings, I want them to go away.
I'm losing my future, respect from my friends and family, even from myself
I'm scared I'm just too weak... or lazy?

I have a very low self-esteem, I'm insecure, depressed
lots of general anxiety and specific phobias
mild health anxiety & social anxiety
I can't cope with stress (or anything)
I'm losing control over myself

It's as if I wasn't meant to still be alive at this age
I can't take care of myself, can't manage money (and time), don't have any self discipline
can't think forward
can't stay in school, can't keep any summer vacation job
I used to be smart & talented as a kid but I'm a quitter so now I can't do anything
I have ridiculous anxieties even my friends can't take seriously
I'm socially retarded, I've never been in a relationship before
Nothing seems like it's worth doing, I hate parties and socializing, except for 2 close friends
I'm a girl that likes girls, been in love with the same person for 3 years but she has someone else
I can't make my parents proud, my little brother thinks I'm a failure
Even my best friends are getting tired of me and my pessimism
Everyone I know is moving forward with their lives, getting a job (or last year in university) and having serious relationships
And even if I had a good job and a serious relationship, what's the point of it? I don't think anything can make me happy ever again

because of the depression I also have poor hygiene and terrible sleeping/eating habits
and I have physical problems which are from the anxiety, according to my doctor
thinking of being dead by 2014 makes me less anxious than thinking about having to deal with life

but I can't tell anyone how bad it is
I'm even scared you all think I'm a terrible human being for talking myself into a depression or something
I don't know, it feels like it's my fault that I feel this way

 

[meaningless-vessel]

Firstly, it's no-ones fault that feelings are what they are.

Secondly, Doing nothing to change your current situation will more than likely make you feel worse.

Being 20 and never having a relationship isn't a crime. Many across the age group would consider it unusual, in truth it's something that makes you unique, and I'd personally say in a good way. I was 18 when I had my first relationship, and it didn't last - I wasn't mature enough, I was naive and stupid with choices, and a few other reasons as well.

A common combination is drinking mixed with self harming - it's a dangerous combination. The only impossibility is changing what has happened up until now. The future is determined primarily by the choices you make for yourself. At 20 you are considered an adult. As for not being able to manage money or look after yourself, I'm 28 and struggle with them to the point I'm signed off work and having little option but to live with my mum.

I think you need to assess what you really want, because this is a pro-life peer-to-peer support site with the intention of preserving other lives even though everyone here has their own issues, many will try to encourage you to look at ways to survive. Ignoring a therapist through the anxiety is going to be counter productive even though you can't always help it.

At least put some effort into trying, if you don't try you'll never know