I feel like Dying NOW....please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lilly, Feb 12, 2011.

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  1. Lilly

    Lilly Well-Known Member

    Not that any of you care.
    You see a post, you see the name, sometimes youll go on and try and help a person out, but not usually if its me.
    I understand that fully of course, if i were someone else, and i saw myself as the self that i currently am,(not the someone else i am in the sinario) then, i wouldnt go and talk to her either...(the self i am now being her)
    I get that im a freak, and i say all the wrong things and that even though people dont KNOW ME they dont like me.
    I probably will go through my whole life being this way. actually, wait..i have
    Lets go back for a minute to elementary school..did i have friends??? not...really...
    Fast forward to highschool. Did i make friends there? uhmm..no..i had even less friends.
    Now lets come to the current time. College.
    Did i make friends here? no..i have even less now than i did before.
    In fact..i have..one.
    Some days that is, if were both in a good mood.
    So you see, I understand that ill never be liked by people. That ill never actually MATTER. that i will never be missed and that people dont give a SHIT if i am alive or dead
    Hopefully in the near future, dead
    so why im writing this i dont know.
    Maybe because i WANT to make something of myself...i want to live and be wonderful, i want to have friends, i want to be successful..
    But i know i cant...so i give up, i just want to die.
    i want to cut and bleed so bad.
    I want to take every pill imaginable and just go to sleep for all eternity.
    I want to cry and have smeone tell me its alright but i cant because i have NO ONE and because its not...it never will be alright.
    It will NEVER get better because i cant change, ill never change, everyt ime i think i have it turns out im just the same...and i hate it
    and im sorry if youactually did take the time to read this because ive wasted like a minute of your life and that was was wrong of me to do to
    see? i cant do anything right...its hopeless..useless...
    I dont even know what im saying what im thinking, everythings like....messed up...it doesnt even make sense.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Lilly,
    Welcome to the forums..I read your thread and it touched me.. I know how it is to be lonely.. Since you joined the forum you have joined a new family..I hope we can support you and make you feel wanted..Take Care!!
  3. Please don't think you are worthless, no one is worthless. There is someone who cares about you, even if you don't know it yet. "What a load of crap", you must be thinking, as you read this. I have no right to assume I know anything about you. I do know how I feel about my self, and how useless I feel. And I want those things you want too.
    But it's you who matters right now. You are feeling desperate and scared and lost. I took the time to read your post. You did not waste that time it took for me to read it, you touched my heart and made me wish so badly that I could be there with you to hold you tightly and tell you that you DO matter. I am a lot older than you I assume, since you mention college, and I'm in my early fifties, but I understand what you are saying as if you were my own self.
    It is hard to feel that no one understands, that no one ever will, that just being on this earth is a waste of space. But that is not true. It is your mind doing this to you, that horrible mixture of neurons misfiring or some awful thing it is that makes us feel so much like just dying.
    I send you much love and strong, hard hugs. Hugs that make you feel real, and noticed, and alive. I hope with all my heart that you receive this and can take even a grain of comfort from it. People do care, honest, no matter how hard it is for you to believe...
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    You are still young. You are still finding out and exploring who you are. Of course you are feeling like you are as there is so much uncertainty.

    Good job on joining the forum as it's supportive. There are so many different people who can support you in different ways.

    What support do you have in place at the moment? What stage are you at? Have you been through suicidalness (I know it;s probably not a word but hey who cares) before? What past coping mechanisms that are non destructive have worked? Can you re-visit these. Can you go see someone in a professional sense and get counselling, support etc?

  5. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I read your post and hear your pain lilly....
    you are worthwhile...
  7. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Everything you said makes total sense to me. And, it sounds as if you are in a lot of pain. I wish there was something I could say to make that go away, but I really can't. I just wanted you to know that I hear how much you are hurting. I also hear the hope in some of what you said, there is a lot of yearning in your words, I hope someday you find what you want and what you need so life is less painful. I hope that for all of us. I hope that for me as well. Thank you so much for sharing, it helped me feel less alone.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I read your post and feel your pain and misery, welcome to the site xx
  9. LipsOfDeceit

    LipsOfDeceit Well-Known Member

    Hi Lilly. You're not a useless person. You CAN be liked by people so believe in that. Maybe you can try different ways of making friends, e.g. join a club or volunteer and find people with similar interests. Take care. :hug:
  10. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Oh sweetie, we do care. :hug: There is so much pain in your words, I wish I could take it all away. Please feel free to drop me a PM if you need to talk.
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