I feel like dying. Please read its extremely long.

:sigh:Well, okay over the past few years iv'e liked girls. I'm 16 and i'm female. I mostly out of all i like women. Older women around 23-40 years old. If your thinking old wrinkly women then your WRONG. I'm talking about cute older women with good personalities. Iv'e been wanting to be with a women since i was in the 5th grade. But that's not when the obsession started. It started in 8th grade repeat. I liked this teacher. And i used to give her things like art projects and drawings. But then i couldn't take not having her anymore. So i wrote her a suicide not saying i wanted to die and that i cut. i also included a love poem. Well next period later i was called to the counselors office. they talkked to me and called my mom. My mom was devastated about me wanting to die. But she knew i liked girls but not older women. I told her one day on a piece of paper and at first she said no but later on she kinda shorta excepted it. So afterwards i was admitted to a hospital. Well there was a wome there that i liked. I told her and she said." I want to make it clear that we cant be together." That devastated me. So i cut. Afterwards i wrote her things like how i liked her. She kinda ignoored them. Then i was so mad in family session i disrespected her. I felt so regretful and pained. But when it was time to depart from her i tryed to commit suicide. Afterward my mom admitted me to another hospital because of my behaviors. Well i was admited to about 3 or 4 and i like various amount of women there. Which ended up bad and i started obsessing and writing obscence stuff about them in my journal Which my mom eventually read and i was out of my mind crazy. I cryed and cryed and the tears ripped me apart and they came from my heart and soul. Well i meet a thrapist named< edited total eclipse name deleted>who was very attracting and was brazillian which is a biggie for me. I was so obsessed. I was dreaming and fantasing about her all the time. I couldnt get her out of my mind. Tilkl this day i still love her and i cant let go. Thats mostly why i cry today. But i departed from her. Then i found someone a therapist that i am currently seeing.Well i at hospital called <edited total eclipse deleted name> It was in Reno,nv. I left there my mom did a AMA. agaisnt medical advice. I'm curently in a outpatient hospital. I have a psr worker also. Well this therapist i meet her and the next day i was hooked. I seen her for like 4 or 5 days. But during that time is enough to know me. Our therapy sessions last for hours and hours depending on what were talking about, or what imformation she needs. Well i have a journal/diary and in it it says that i wantt to die. That i want to die because these women i like and i dont know what to do. In it it mentioned her name. It said now im starting to like her. But i said maybe this can work out where we a GOOD relationship and im not sexually obsessed with her. Well she said she was okay with her liking me. In our sessions we joke and stuff and there's certain things i like about her. Like when shes says...."awwwww....aleecia." ALEECIA IS MY NAME. SHe said awww so sweetly like 4 times once during our sessions. Well i can talk to her about things i cant talk to with other women. I love the way she tilts her head to side sometimes and jokes around. But still keeping it perfessional you know. So anyways i'm emo/goth but i dont know for sure. On something in my diary it said that i was emo. She said i should stay away from it because it makes things no better. She didnt discrimiante or anything. So anyways like some days ago....we were in a therapy session. And i after it was about to end i told her something i would never ever in my life tell past women i liked. I wrote to her...." Whne i get out of here im going to cry because im not going to be able to see you for a while. And i know what you said about obsession. I dont know i ust wanted to tell you im my scale is going to be at a 100 which is the worst." She said oh...why? Well anyways i left her office and she scheduled our next therapy session a few days earlier.Also in our session we were talking about beer and wine and stuff. Well i went home and i drunk my brothers Jack Daniels which i think have like 5% alocohol in it. It didnt do a thing to me so i went downstairs. After a few hours me and my family were wathcing a movie. I heard my brother whispering to my mom. I knew how he was talking about his beer being missing. So i went upstairs and my mom came in. She said " You already know what i want to talk to you about huh?' I said yeah. nad i hugged her and she was kinda okay about it. But the next day mjy brother came in my moms room where i was at and said to me " I cant believe you drunk my Jack Daniels...now i can see if it was a soda or something but that was Jack Daniels. Next time you going to juvie for underage drinking. And dont talk to me anymore dont even look ate me." Well my brother just turned 21 so he started going to the club, gambling and drinking. but he does it responsibly and knows what he's doing. Well i went to Google images and typed in her name. And i saw pictures of her and i saw a certain one i should have not saw. It was her and her HUSBAND! at Jamaica and she had this sexy blouse on. It showed all of her thighs she was on her husband. And she had her arm on him and she looked so in love. Now the picture was appropriate. But it shattered me to pieces and i cried my heart out. i felt like i wanted to rip my heart out. Well today i feel really suicidal. And i feel like dying. I will tell you more about what happened with the lady <edited total eclipse deleted name> if u respond. recently i wrote in my journal that i wanted to eat a lady and eat my arm off. I don't know what to do. i will tell you more details if u respond saying you want more. But anyways i miss her. And i feel shattered. i tried to call her but i didn't have her number. So i called my psr worker and she gave me the number but it was too late to call. Also i called her today but she was busy. I don't know what to do!! I just feel like ending my life. but then i wont see her. I haven't cut in a while only because i don't cut for her.

 

Firstly, your sexuality is not really the issue. I mean, you could just as well have this obsession with men and be the same way. Choosing woman makes it less dangerous by far.

Being 16 your at the age were your going to want a relationship - liking older woman is not an issue really, but if your exclusivelly attracted to ONLY older woman - then maybe it is an issue of sorts. Either looking for someone more mature to reassure you - plus you find them attractive, and you also might be avoiding young people your own age!

I had a dear friend, fancied her but the old story, she was attracted to other women. She took up with an older women - I actually did not like the older woman - and in time my friend had relationships with younger woman her own age. This was better for her.

Being 16 you cannot go out to the gay clubs - well, actually if you look old enough you would. But being 16 - you have to be careful with relationships - and with depresison, its easy to fantasise that meeting someone will cure everything. Hey - this CAN happen - but its rare and no way should anyone here be thinking "OH, if I has someone to love me - I'd be better" - you think that now - but if its the wrong person it can really hit us hard because we are emotionally vulnerable in some way or other.

I remember an obsession I had when younger. No internet then so we could not 'spy' on anyone or see what they were doing.

Looking at the photo of this women - you know its wrong because she is married!!! You have to learn to try and remember that you need a relationship - and this means meeting people who share your own sexuality to some extent.

Your obsession is a 'diversion' because your mind is in pain and of course - we are going to think about things which can make us feel better. A loving relationship can do this - so it seems you are looking for this too hard! Your hitting on strangers in a hospital. I do not judge you there - I understand the pain you have and can see how easy it is to obsess on someone you feel is nice.

It is easy to think you are falling in love with a therapist also - I mean, its like your sharing things with her that you would with a lover perhaps. It is like 'pillow talk' without the mechanics.

Maybe the therapist will have to admit a conflict of interest - because you having an obsession is going to stop any good work - or you will just be thinking of marrying her or something!

Gay people have their own communities - but many gay people just live in normal communities and so will not have much contact as youngsters. You do have support in schools - but you know your gay and have no issues - hope your family is kind and if you were my little niece or something I'd have no issues and would advice you about relationships and maybe go to a gay club with you - sure - I could wear leather trousers, and sun-glasses, and a T shirt saying 'I'm the man' - well, maybe not - but hope it cheers you up.

So to sum up - I think your trying to run a bit too fast with relationships - you should meet younger gay girls - not for relationships but support and advice.

Just beware - because a 16-yr-old with a forward manner (which is cute in some ways) can be used by older woman.

But - thank God your not attracted to older men. I would worry for you there - a lot unfortunately.

Hope you can open up with your parents also.

And if you can - try to put the writing into paragraphs to make it easier reading it - but its OK - we can understand what you are saying and I hope some of what I have said is useful for you.

Good luck, be more careful in who you choose to be attracted to - there are plenty of real nice ladies I'm sure who would be interested in you - but lets talk about education also - I mean, relationships you will have - but you need to get more clever - get a nice job - maybe you will find someone in work - no doubt!

Best of luck - tell your therapist how you feel. If she is any good she will realise that sometimes - the chemistry between a client and therapist is not conducive to good therapy.

Keep coming here and do not keep things to yourself.

Regards from England - home of the bee, land of the rave.