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I feel like dying

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by letty, Feb 23, 2012.

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  1. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I got this call today, it was from my mom's boyfriend, who molested me when I was young. I was in shock. I thought that all those fears, and memories
    of the past were going away, but they came back, faster than they left. I started cutting this morning, I stopped working, cant face the day.. the reason
    he called was for money my mom left in her account, she passed away on new years, I get sick to my stomach when I think he has my number. Im just
    tired of all this crap, my moms dead, my sisters dead. . I feel like dying. I miss my mom.. I hate that man..I hate myself..
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    wow, he's got some nerve to call you about your mom's money. I'm so sorry about that. Maybe block his number so he can't call you again and if he does, get a restraining order against him. I'm sorry you feel so down and cutting. Do you have anyone to talk to? a friend, a professional? Someone who can help you deal with all of this....
  3. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Thanks for responding, I am going to put a block on my cell phone some how, I cant think straight right now I know there must be a way. I dont know what gives him the idea
    that i would even consider helping him get her money, or even talk to him. I dont have a pro. yet, I do have friends I can talk to, its all just so hard to discuss these emotions
    and its all so complex.. who is this man.. what did he do not only to me but to my sisters.. how did he treat my mom these last years..emotional, physical, sexual abuse, and my
    moms role in it all, her allowing it to happen..I just want to scream..I want to call it quits.
  4. listless

    listless Banned Member

    I'm very sorry to hear about what has happened to you-I can't begin to imagine your suffering...but harming or killing yourself is not the solution. If anything you deserve to get revenge on this asshole-report him to the authorities and make him pay for his crimes in jail where he'll get done to him what he has done to you and others.

    When you cut yourself or stress out, then he wins. You seem like you could be a lovely person-only you can overcome the suffering you've gone through. My life was very difficult, even hellish at times-but I learned to overcome extreme obstacles using my brains and will-power alone.

    There were many occasions where people with less strength and fortitude than myself would've ended their lives (with what I was going through)-because it was so hard. But I do believe if I can overcome hardships others can too if they tried. The fact that you're still here shows that you have a lot of strength also.

    Don't mind me if you respond to my post but I don't reply...I'm on this forum rarely but I do try to read responses even if I don't always answer back.
  5. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I appreciate your response, you are right, he does end up winning, hes already taken alot from me, and my sisters. I just get so caught up in it all, I have to cut.
    I can see you have alot of common sense on your side,and will-power. I know I cant let him hold me down mentaly. its just so hard.. I am sorry for the difficult
    things you have encountered.
  6. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Thanks glad you liked response and also for your consideration about my situation. I think when you cut yourself you're just doubling up on your pain-both mental and physical. It'd make sense if you were harming the one who harmed you (not that I'm condoning or suggesting it) but I think what you crave or need is healing not more pain, especially self-inflicted.

    Us humans are delicate, fragile things-it saddens me to see how terrible and destructive people are to others, but sadly it happens on a daily basis with people oppressing others.

    I think all the struggles I've been through made me smarter, stronger and more patient. Believe me I think you can overcome whatever it is that is affecting you-but I also believe you will need some help to get back 'on your feet', through therapy. While it won't undo the harm he has done to you, I think you'll find it liberating to have him sent to jail for his crimes against you. And if he molested you as a child, then he'll be in real trouble...if I were you I wouldn't think twice and call the cops on him.

    My situation is tough right now-but much better than it was a few years ago. Too much to get into right now-but I think I am this way because I have gotten very little happiness/fun out of this life...some of my malaise is self-created because I've made bad choices, but others is just due to the economy and external factors that kept me from getting to where I belong in life at this age.

    If ending your life could be done through a walk-in clinic, I would've ended it already...it's because suicide is so difficult, uncertain with terrible consequences if one fails, plus the hole one leaves behind, that I haven't done it already. I'm just sick of struggling and only making small advances...it's not enough.

    There's still some things I'd like to do so I'll give it at least another 5 years...when I turn 45. If life doesn't improve much by then I'll check out-because it means it won't improve in another 5-10 years or the remainder of my life. Till then I will continue to struggle and try to get better work.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with the OP..Call the cops and have him arrested..Have you talked to your sisters about this to see if he did the same thing to them?? He doesn't belong on the streets..Did your mother leave you a Will?? I would clean out that account and put the money in your account.. To be fare split it with your sisters..I don't know how old they are but you could put it in a long term savings account or a trust.. I wish you all the best and hope you don't cut anymore..
  8. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I agree with you listless about alot of things, i do want to get some therapy. its just hard to talk to people face to face, I am a shy person, its hard for me to open up. my mind goes blank when im asked questions. but i am gonna look for some one. I hope your situation gets better, dont be to hard on yourself, we have all made bad choices in life, you seem like a great person, I am glad that your gonna give it more time something better can be just around the corner for you.
  9. letty

    letty Banned Member

    thanks for you suggestions, stranger1, He did abuse my sisters as well , we didnt know that it was happening to one another at the time. I dont think she left a will, if there was one he probubly has it, she had been living with him. its just crazy that even after she died this man is trying to come around, I am considering calling the police. thanks again for you help
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