I feel like ending it.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by D's, Nov 10, 2009.

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  1. D's

    D's Member

    11/7/09
    Around 5PM (I know there was one quarter left in the bama and lsu game.) I recieve a phone call, from a friend of mine that I met in a AA meeting about 4ish months ago. He asked me if I wanted to drive to Auburn and take some psyclobin mushrooms. I didn't refuse, It's been awhile since I've tripped and I was thinking I could save them and take them at show.
    You called me when I was walking to my car, (I'm guessing that it's around 6PM) After we saied our goodbyes, I'm now on my way to pick up Adam.
    I pick up Adam drunk at a bar, I told him I needed gas $, so we both went to a local 7-11 and he filled my car up, and bought 2 12packs of steel reserve(cheap beer). So we begin our drive to Auburn and I cracked open a beer, I am driving to.
    I go through about 5-6 beers by the time we reach "WR". I'm feeling pretty good, smoking a ciggerete and drunk.
    We make it to Auburn about an hour and a half later ( had to stop sevral times to use the bathroom), and supriseingly (saying this sarcasticly because I knew something was up.) So Adam brought up the idea to get some Cocaine.
    Me, at first I was thinking "No i just want the mushrooms", then my addictive old behavior came up and I was like F*** it. So we got a half ounce of cocaine about 14-15 grams.
    I don't want to get to gory with details. We figured that if we snorted some cocaine we'd get sober. HAhahaha how wrong I was!!
    We were in Auburn so we decided (another bright idea) to go to "Tiger Town" (It's a party/bar/club strip in Auburn, like burbon street in New Orleans but with more college students.)
    Adam is paying my way in everything, So we went and got a arm bracelet and got even more drunk.
    This is where my black out is starting to begin, (I'm sorry it's taken me a while to write this, this is very emotionaly for me to do.)
    I remeber toliet papering downtown Auburn University with some people I met. So It's getting late and I decided to find Adam and leave,
    So when I found Adam, he was really drunk to. So both him and I do more coke, and we are going to go to Taco Bell.
    I remember going through the drive through, and he told me to back up. So I back up into someones car, and Adam gets out of the car, and wonders off, and I was left to deal with everyone drunk and high on coke.
    I don't rember what they were saying, they didn't call the police.
    I now remeber someone I met gave me a pillow and told me to sleep in my car and not drive, (Oh man how much I should have listened to him.) Somewhere in the night I decided to drive back to home, I sort have thought that I was already home.
    I was driving the Buick, and I crashed, pretty bad. I ended up walking for help.
    I didn't relise at the time that I was in my underwear and had 2 un matched shoes. I walked to the waffle house. I walked all though a creek, cut my self up pretty bad.
    So I make it to the waffle house and asked for help, next thing the police shows up, and since I don't have any ID on me they took me to jail for public intox.
    I went to jail that night on Sunday morning they released me, I did see Adam in jail so he was able to give me a ride back to
    I'm not sure what to do right now, I want to end it, I hate my problems, the world would be just better off without me.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Ending it isn't the answer, but I think you need to seek some help for your alcohol and drug use.
     
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i know that feeling all too well, but these problems are managable and can be worked out or so i believe. you are worth so much more than ending it. what a testimony to share about how you survived. someones looking out for ya.
     
  4. D's

    D's Member

    I really feel like i'm screwed, holy shit did I screw up. I know that suicide isn't the answer but it sounds like a simple solution to all my problems. I know if I did end my life what would my parents say? nothing, I know that I wont be such a f**king burdon on their life, they wont have to send me food $ every week, or support me.
    Its just so clear now, If I end it I'll make my family happy becuase they wont have to worry where the hell I am all the time,
    and right now they are using the "tough love" treatment on me, so if they hear I ended my life won't they feel like shit.
    I serously feel like ending it right here and now, I already wrote a list of who would come to my funeral, no one :(.
     
  5. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Man, trust me I know how you feel to be so confused that you're so far out of control. I've been to crazy places on drugs. I haven't really been on things such as shrooms or cocaine, but abusing benzo's, sleep drugs, ADD drugs, massive amounts of DPH and DXM and morning glory and weed, Codeine, Oxycodone, and other opiates almost every day, I know what waking up the next morning or evening and thinking... "What the fuck just happened?" feels like. And then you look at the wreckage behind you and you think everyone is just better off.

    If you feel like alcohol or drug abuse is seriously effecting you, you should check into a rehabilitation center, or even check in at your local ER because of your suicidal feelings. Trust me. If you're even a little bit like me, a couple of days or weeks in there will help things, even if just a little, if even just to get you sober long enough, to get your mind clear enough to help you... see things differently? I don't know.

    But I wish you all the best :hug:
     
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i can totally relate to feeling like this would solve your problems it really won't it will just create more problems for those left behind. i know it's tough when you feel like you have the world on your shoulders. i can totally and honestly relate. after all i'm being charged with six felonies that i did not committ. but we've got to keep hanging in there. you will get through this i so know you can.
    go in to the er and find some help please. even if it's a one day vaca so to speak it can help. or keep chatting with us here. please though no matter what you do don't act on what youre feeling. it really will pass. you are tough you are a survivor
     
  7. D's

    D's Member

    I can't keep on. I just cut my self pretty bad :\, It took my mind off of what happend this weekend, but now I have more scars to cover up. It really hurts, but it feels so fucking good. :(((((
    I can't stop I don't want to stop, I do but I don't, I just want to wake up and I'm with my family and this shit never happend. Like the good ole days when momma used to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.
    oh fuck how things change when you grow up,
    i want my momma.
     
  8. spyke

    spyke Well-Known Member

    i did the same shit as you more or less

    you're trying to fill a void in your life and cry out for attention at the same time self medicating with drugs although it's more likely that you're like me an incredibly self destructive person

    even if you know something will hurt you're drawn to doing it cos secretly deep down you loath yourself and you're looking for answers so when someone offers you a drug to break up the monotony of the day and feel good you can't say no it's all part of an addictive personality

    how can you stop?

    well i stopped on the drug scene by blanking my entire circle of friends

    it wasn't easy but i knew that at 20 years old and having lost massive amounts of weight to the point where i was like a skeleton and never doing anything i was on the road to death early ya know burning out rather than fading away

    if your friends are leading you into harder drugs rather than just the ones you planned to they're no good for you and your destructive behavior is all part of a cry for help which no one is hearing

    you could try talking to a councellor or gp and getting on some meds to ease the pain and stabilise your mood although that in itself is something to be avoided and a last case scenario

    i know all too well why people self harm and the addictive aspects of the endorphin and emotional release which feels so good to be finally "getting what you feel you deserve"

    i can't comment on that as i'm still there and like you i don't want to stop

    in fact i'm starting up all the old habits now as my life loses all meaning and i get colder
     
  9. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    It's a 'simple', permanent solution to a temporary problem. You had a rough night - believe me, you aren't the only one who parties hard! Just going to textsfromlastnight.com proves that, oh man.

    But if it's really stressing you out, get help! So you did cocaine again - it doesn't mean you can't stop taking it again. You'll probably feel bad for awhile because most people do after they do a lot of drugs, seratonin levels get really jacked up and it'll take awhile for them to right themselves. So just give it a few days and then find help for your drug issues.
     
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