I feel like giving up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kirakyoumou, May 25, 2007.

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  1. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    my bf went into amnesia..my fault btw but I'd rather not explain...our relationship has always been so filled w/ passion and stuff...but also a lot of pain b/c he has so many insecurities...while he couldn't remember me or anyone else, he remembered his feelings yet..I still accepted a date from one of his guy friends b/c I just couldn't take the pain anymore. that guy...said he'd take me out in his limo to a beach and treat me out for the day and take away my loneliness...that he would tell me everything...etc. I accepted...I just wanted to make him happy b/c it seems like I make everyone suffer. my bf wakes up from amnesia..gets angry..etc. everything falls apart. we got together again...after his threats of suicide..I love him more than anything but two days ago, he broke up w/ me saying that all he ever does is make me cry...and I have to admit I do cry a lot b/c of him but it's only coz I love him...I was hysterical when he broke up w/ me..the person I had hoped to marry one day...and afterwards he was too b/c he realized that by breaking up w/ me...he gave me the ultimate pain. he started hurting himself..I could hear him and he said he would kill himself to show how much he regrets his actions. it took a while of crying and begging to get him to stop. I rly love him still...but yesterday he said "so..how does it feel to be single? I'll be your friend..forever...friends." it hurt so bad. I thought we had gotten back together but I guess he doesn't want me. it makes me want to go crying to his friend...is that so wrong?my whole life..all I've known is pain. he was the only good thing in my life so why won't he get back w/ me? he hates himself now...for everything. I hate myself...if I die tho, he will kill himself but I rly hate living...I rly hate it. all I do is bring misery. I brought so much misery to his ex friend b/c after my ex bf woke up...I rejected his date and..urgh..am I a monster?? I rly don't think I have a right to live. my parents don't care anyways. I haven't eaten any food in a while...please...help me...Ican't forgive myself either...Iwant him back so bad..I'm hanging out w/ my ex and he still tells me " i love you" and stuff..and "you're beautiful..." but why won't he get back w/ meee? I miss him I miss him. I'd do anything for him. why am I such a stupid bitch? Iwanna bash my disgusting face in with a bat. I'm so gross. Ihate myself so mcuh. I'm sorry. I'm crying again. Ian't type very well now. Ihurt steven and takashi..and I think I was leading someone else on at the same time. what's wrong w/ me. i rly love him I do. I would die for him. I want to die so bad but I don't want to take away his life in the same token..I bring everyone pain. I bring my family pain too. that's why they don't like me I'm sure...my friends I've been shoving away recently. I'm so ungrateul it's disgsuting.
     
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Firstly I'm sorry you are in such a horrible situation. I don't think it was a wise decision to accept a date from his friend if you loved your exbf so much. I can kind of understand why he was or is upset with you. maybe you should sit down and talk to him maybe than he'll see how sorry you are.

    Best of luck...
     
  3. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    he always pushes me away...sometimes..he does things to test whether I care or not...

    he forgave me..for what I did...

    what if I killed myself and before I do it, I call the police and make them get him so he doesn't die? would that work?
     
  4. lilboyblue

    lilboyblue Well-Known Member

    wow, i am so sorry you are going through this.

    i really dont know what to say, but if you love him and he loves you, then try to be patient and see what happens. but stay with us okay?
     
  5. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    I want redemption...
    I want him to be happy...
    I couldn't make him happy?

    if i could, i'd take his pain
    with my blood, down the drain
    and watch him smile from up above
    wash away my self disdain

    i'm so disgusting..
     
  6. lilboyblue

    lilboyblue Well-Known Member

    you're not disgusting :hug:
     
  7. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    how do you forgive yourself? bleh I feel so lethargic.
     
  8. lilboyblue

    lilboyblue Well-Known Member

    it may take a while... maybe writing more will help?
     
  9. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    I wish I could go outside my body and then physically harm myself. I rly wanna start bashing something into my face. I need both of their forgiveness first...idk how to obtain it rly. I'm wearing the necklace he bought me right now...it's sort of a painful reminder but he asked me to wear it still...b/c he put his love into it.
     
  10. Tara

    Tara Guest

    please dont do that :( :hug:
    things will work themselves out soon.

    You need to talk to him and see whats going on, what about talking to him and ask him how he feels about you and what you two are going to do about it. I mean its making you worse cause hes saying "i want you", "i dont want you". if you get a straight answer you can move on.
     
  11. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    o.o wow..why didn't I think of that? omg...I feel like hugging you right now. I'll go turn my cell back on I guess...you're right..I need to know...this uncertainty is rly painful. but what if he says "friends forever...I can't bare to hurt you again." then what? urgh..should I beg for him to come back?
     
  12. Tara

    Tara Guest

    thats the thing. hmm, its so hard isnt it :hug:

    You need a straight answer. Tell him (if its the case) that you cant be just friends as you care too much for him, tell him you need more than that.

    I wouldnt beg, that may put him off, just tell him how much you appreciate his love and how much you love him and that you are sorry and that you really care and want him in your life.
     
  13. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    I made him cry yesterday. I think I make him cry more than he makes me cry. actually we just both cry a lot recently. every other hour I cry. I talked to him for what..*counts* 10 straight hrs last night. he's currently asleep and we're hanging out tomorrow for a whole day. he said basically:

    "I've hurt you too much...I won't ever forgive myself? do you know why I was born into this world? it was to meet you. thank you..you gave me courage. I hurt you once though, what if I do it again? I'm sorry, I love you. You will find your happiness. I talk to you and I know that I am not forgiven. I think we should remain friends forever so I won't hurt you again...I won't hurt you if I'm not involved with you romantically. I lay my happiness at your feet. You deserve someone better."
     
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