I feel like I am at the end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tottenhamhotspur, Apr 28, 2010.

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  1. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    For four years, and for much time before that, I have felt totally depressed, suffered from OCD-like symtoms and overall, felt as though the only thing I really wanted in this life was to escape. Now I am afraid that I have no options, and that living in the world would not be something I want to do for another 50 years.
    Firstly, I should say i am a 24 year old male, single, living on his own with some roomates. I don't go to school and work at a low-paying job at a fast food coffee shop.

    This may get lengthy, so I appologize.

    Four years ago I did something I regret (you can read all the details here, should you feel inclined to better understand http://answers.yahoo.com/question/i...01qT_wnty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100420091226AAaFQyE ) Anyhow, I think about it almost 24/7 adn though my thinking has improved, my worry over this incident is simply replaced with the worry that I am not good enough adn I am a failure in my life. I still feel like a terrible, awful, disgusting person because of it.

    I am 24 and have had one girlfriend in my life, and hardly what I would call a real relationship. Everything something starts, I can't follow through. I have a hard time connecting with people and I fear physical interaction for the most part. My self esteem is terrible, I am in almost 3,000 dollars worth of debt and have never went to any post secondary. I have worked 15 jobs and I have not found one thing I am good at or really enjoy.

    I feel that at this point, even if I go to school, it will not be untill I am 30-32 I am even able to marry, let alone think about a house and kids.
    I honestly beleive women find me totally unattractive, and that even if one did, they would quickly learn what kind of person I really was and get out of there , like my old girlfriend did. I have cut off my relationships early since then to make sure that another woman doesn't have to put up with my nonsense.
    The only thing I get any joy from now is napping. I work 9 hours, come home, go on the net, sleep, wake up, do some work, and nap. This is my life.

    I think one of the big push overs for me was when I found a note that my grandmother wrote me. She suffered from ALS and could not speak, but had wrote a note after I had moved home from my first stint out of the house. To sum it up, it basically said to stop being lazy and do something with my life. I felt devastated that my grandmother felt this way about me, and that my mother had to hide this note from me. If this was how my grandma felt about me openly, how did my family think of me personally? and to be fair, I was a failure. She later died and I could not help but just look at her and think of how much shame she must have felt in me. I felt bad for her and angry all at once, but I couldn't really bring myself to greive over her death, as sad as that sounds.

    I constantly was bad with money, uneducated and unskilled. Even today at family get togethers I dread when people ask what I am doing these days and I have to tell my aunt and uncle it's just the same old crap. I went back to high school last year, but it proved to be too difficult to work full time and drive so much as well as go to a 3 hour class everyday, so I was only able to finish enough so that I MIGHT be able to get into school next year.
    I honestly doubt my focus will be good enough anyhow, not to mention the fact I have no idea what to do with my life or how I will pay for it.

    Long story short, I now spend almost my full day thinking about how and when I'll do it. I even have a day in mind, and a plan of action. I feel horrible for my parents and family.
    I am not a case of 'the world is so cruel and terrible', but quite the opposite. I think the world is a great place, but my mind is overracked and stressed. I just can't take the thought of doing this for another 30 or more years.

    If you can give me any advice, or even read this far, I have to thank you for that. Please excuse any errors in my grammer and spelling as I wrote this rather quickly and not in my best state, quite obviously.
    Brad
     
  2. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    :console:Brad, your post brought tears to my eyes, for several reasons. First, I have a son your age, and he has suffered from many of the same problems you do.

    And sadly, like you, he does not see the incredibly smart, funny, and wonderful person he is. Your post shows intelligence, sensitivity, and immense foresight. You have qualities within you that you have not yet begun to tap, and don't see within yourself. I would give anything to show both you, and my son, how truly amazing you both are.

    As far as the incident in the bar, you need to find a way to forgive yourself. Believe me, most of us have done many things we would change if we could go back. You can't change what happened, but you can learn from it.

    Family ~ ack! So many of us have families that are less than supportive (which is a somewhat nice way of saying they suck). I was told all my life I was a failure, expecially in comparison to my brother. And I did make one big mistake ~ for much of my life, I believed them. But I'm not the failure, and neither are you. They failed, because they couldn't see what the future held, or what we had inside.

    You will find your niche. I can't even begin to remember how many jobs I held, or classes I attended. But they're not wasted, each one is a learning experience, and you take something away from it that will bring something to what you will eventually do.

    And there's no hurry to get married, or have kids. Most people do wait until their 30's anymore, and that's a good thing. Once you marry, and especially if you have kids, it should be for keeps.

    My best to you Brad. Keep up the good fight.
     
  3. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    Thanks for your response.

    For me, this choice is definatly not an easy one and I see how hard it could be for many and will be for some. On a personal note, I should mention that I have never carried a sort of anti-suicide mantra against people (i.e. it's greedy, an easy way out, etc.) and honestly beleive that just as a crippling disease and physical pain may be a generally well accepted reason for ending one's life, one should consider the mental state of one who considers this choice not as just crazy or insane, but perhaps as a result of a legitimate mental anguish that one cannot begin to make stop.

    I do apperciate your response, but it has become so easy for me to brush off people's support as not much more than people's natural desire to help and do good works for other people.

    My family is not by any menas unsupportive- they have helped me alot in my life, and I auctually feel worse about that than good, because I feel as a grown man I should be self-reliant and no longer need to support of my parents. In many ways, I also see the possibility of removing myself from the family is also one to free them, and show them that they have and had done nothing but good for me growing up. I was very hard on my parents in my earlier years because they did not fit the mold of my parent's friends, and I honestly feel as if I have failed them in life and I have put a shame on our family , which, to some undeniable degree, I have.

    I also have a way of taking things that someone says too seriously, and during my job I see people's 'compliments' (rich people trying to be 'polite' to me) as nothing more than treating me as societies butler. I am paid minimum wage and have to wear a degrading uniform. Calling me 'sir' or 'boss' makes me feel as though noone respects me, and does see my exactly the way i think society- including my family and friends see. Someone who has made a complete mess of their lives and in some way should be pitied.
    I was given every oppertunity to strive for greatness in this life before I suffered from depression and OCD, and in spite of it. I didn't take them. I don't deserve any pity, this is more than a fair punishment for wasted time and life.

    I just feel as if I couldn't overcome my obsession with thinkign about this 'bar incident' 24/7 for the last 3 or so years, and posting the same damn question on yahoo answers 100's of times- literally, as well as my generally feeling of depression, how can I ever go to school and become something great? I find no awe or happiness really in anything anymore. Nothing makes me happy- just napping can create something of relaxation and peace in my mind. In many ways thinking about ending my life is the most positive thought I feel I can have at this point.

    I would talk to a therapis about this (I have talked to one for about 4 months about the 'incident' and my general depression, but denied feelings of suicide). I feel if I went in, They would either lock me up, raise my insurance, do goodness knows what to me as they do to everyone else who shows the slightest inclination of doing so. That would be exactly what I needed as someone with the biggest worries of debt and self-image. Take away my job, lock me and ruin my public image entirely.

    On a less extreme note, I often feel that I would be sadly unable to follow through with my plans (which should come as no surprize as someone who has never followed through with anything in their lives), I would just like to pack up my few belonings and move to a city where I can just get a job and blend in without anyone noticing, and eventually get my education on my own there. This way I could dissapear from my world and save everyone I know of the 'pain' of my death and still commit a sort of social suicide.

    When I was in grade 9 I met a 12th grader who befriended me. To me, he was the coolest guy ever. He made me feel like somebody when I didn't really have any friends in high school. When he left school, I never heard from him again (this was in the age before facebook, etc.) and I asked one of his fellow A/V club guys (yes I was in the AV club in grade 9, which made me feel better than jsut abou anything since then) what happened to him. Just as he had said he would do after high school, he dissapeared never to be heard from again. He had said about how he would do this on rare occasion, but I took it just as a sort of 'dream' as many people aspire to this. When I heard this, I should have been sad I would never see this guy again in my life to tell him of the impact he had on my life, but I was just happy. He had auctually done it.

    Anyhow, sorry to rant on and on, but it is certainly nice to be able to say things you can't in general public.
    Thanks again,
    Brad
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I wish I could give you some advice friend. You are a slightly different version of me. I am 24, male, single, living with a roommate. I am terrible with money... I have a lot of debt as well. The one thing that kills me is my self-esteem, I have none. I burn to have self-esteem so I can meet females. However, I have no reason to have any. I am terrified of talking to other people.

    I wish I could help you out. The only thing I can say is keep on trekking. You know where you want to go. That is the start, you just need to journey down that road. It is something I need to do as well.

    I just wante to let you know you are not alone in your struggle. That I am struggling in a similar way as well. If you ever want to talk let me know.
     
  5. satyesu

    satyesu Member

    Try doing a hobby instead of going on the net. Write, for instance. The what doesn't really matter, but find something you can accomplish without secondary ed. Take pride in it and bring it up at family gatherings. And about women - my dad often tells me that the jerks get the girl because they think so much of themselves they're not afraid to talk to them. The reverse is true. Just go and strike a conversation up (plenty of tips online for how) and you'll find most are as anxious about it as you.
     
  6. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Brad, I know what it is like to feel that you might at times be doing your family a favor by doing away with yourself. Like I mentioned, my son suffers from the same issues of OCD and depression. Honestly, if he hurt himself, I'd die. Literally. I know in some ways it would end his pain, but it would destroy me. I believe your parents would feel the same way.

    I don't know what to tell you about the bar incident. I've done worse, and that is the truth. You have to ask yourself what you are accomplishing by punishing yourself. You aren't helping that girl. You aren't helping anyone. So what is the point? Is there any way you can try to make amends by helping someone that needs it? I don't care if it is volunteering at a local animal shelter, reading to dying kids, or delivering meals on wheels, but that would be far more productive than beating yourself up.

    I have a life long debilitating illness. I am in constant physical pain, which ranges from moderate to severe. And I can honestly say, that the mental pain that I have at times is far worse. Depression and emotional issues carry a pain and burden that is beyond measure, so I would never judge someone for wanting to take their life.

    But sometimes, you see a life that you think can amount to a great deal. You don't throw out something of value. And you are that something. I'm not being insincere, or trying to placate you, I'm sharing what I honestly believe. I can't even tell you why, it's just what my heart feels.

    As far as committing social suicide of starting over. Maybe it's something that would help. Don't leave without telling your famiy you are going, the fear that would create in them would be cruel. But sometimes, a change is what we need.

    In any case, I have hope for your future. Just as I have hope in my own, and my sons. Sometimes, just getting through one more day is amazing in itself.
     
  7. bono

    bono Well-Known Member

    In your 20's, life is all about finding yourself. You'll figure that having a good job and getting a woman may be very comforting. But hapiness comes from within, its about your perception. Changing your lifestyle circumstances only bring temporary joy. Ingore your grandma, the world has changed you much since their generation 'in touch' that any judge or advice they render is irrelevant.
     
  8. alloutoftears

    alloutoftears Account Closed

    if you have a passion pursue it, it wont feel like work

    also if u are doing something (healthy and positive) that you enjoy you will be happier in yourself , people are attracted to happy people, that is a fact

    you only get one shot at life, you still have time, set small managable specific goals that you want to achieve in a given time frame

    ex, i want to be able to walk 5 miles a day in a hour in 4 weeks

    sounds silly but from little acorns big oaks grow

    all the best and dont stop trying
     
  9. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    thanks all for your kind words and encouragment.
    I know that as frustrating as things are now, they may not always be like this. It won't be easy to stop 10+ years of negative thinking, but I have to give myself the chance.
    So far I have promised myself some adventure. Next summer, I am going to NYC alone for a vacation for myself and by myself. This way I get to feel a superb sense of independence, adventure and awe in one of the only places that still makes me excited thinking about it.
    I've also promised to quit worrying about the current- at least as much. I was always concered that one woman whom I am very much attracted to has no interest in me. and perhaps she won't. But next year there's university and plenty of new faces, not to mention the fact I am moving this weekend in with 4 new strangers, 3 of them female, who will all help me expand my range of social interaction from the stagnet one I have now.
    Thanks again to everyone. At the very least, you've helped me survive for another year. I was convinced that I would want to end it by the end of sept- but I will at least give myself the oppertunity to go back to NYC and do a few other things I would like to do, as there are thigns I feel need to be done on my 'want' list before I go- no matter how.
     
  10. satyesu

    satyesu Member

    Just keep those "I'll live for this long at least"s coming until you don't need to declare them any more. I'm happy for you!
    P.S. is Hotspur a reference to Henry IV Pt. I?
     
  11. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we are all here for you.
     
  12. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    Thanks again!
    My name is a reference to the team Tottenham Hotspur FC, which in itself, yes is a reference to the character from the shakespearian play.
    That is one of the reasons I picked Tottenham as my favorite team. A club loved by Jews and named after a shakespeare character? Count me in.
     
  13. Milton

    Milton Well-Known Member

    Not a bad year to be a spurs fan.
     
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