i feel like i cant breath

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ness dean, Aug 27, 2016.

  1. ness dean

    ness dean Member

    im having a breakdown right now, im anxious abt my study i dont know if i can keep going on like this, i fear my parents responses. endless thought and my chest feels hurt, i thinking about a lot of things, how do i keep going...how do i do after this, am i even worth. am i going to get expelled bcs my careless-ness.

    i have no one to talk to, ive never talk really personal and real private honest stuffs with others. they not gonna care, i think, theyre fine and alright, my parents, my sister, my friends. i feels i worth nothing to them.

    i thinking about the days of struggling, sruggling with a movement disorder in such young age, being bullied, being discriminate, feeling useless and hopeless, that painful and twisted feeling about being abnormal and such, about being turned down when im talking abt my disorder to my parents and sister, how did i even live with all of this sometimes i wonder. the pain just wont stop, how do to makes my brain alright..

    its so hurt, i cant be like others, i cant talk walk and act like normal human beings i feels so disgusted with my disability, no one want to hear me out.

    its like i want to run away but no place for such people like me.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    We want to hear you out. I am sorry for what you are going through and I welcome you to the forum. It sounds like you are having a panic attack. Sorry people have discriminated against you and bullied you, that is truly awful. People can be so cruel at time but remember you are a better person than they will ever be. Keep talking to us, we do care :)
  3. ness dean

    ness dean Member

    yes, im in a low point rn, but i just cant seems to bring myself to go back up again, im so tired, living with this while keep up in real life like nothing's happen with zero support of family and friends, it seems like my anxiety acting up again and i just feels so tired, i have a major breakdown 2 month ago and this one is worse..what i think right now is how my parents would be so upset im not doing well as they want in college, but i have enough.. i sometimes think what if i badly hurt myself, will they finnaly cares and hear what my real problem is, the last time i talking it's got so bad like they dodge and in denial abt my problem, they said it's in my head....how can, ive been with this for 7 years, ive been trying to be a good daughter, even when my mom so upset, said some spiteful and mean remarks about me not socializing with others, how i've been selfish and have no friends i cant even communicate properly in early years of my disorder, i trying to keep up with the pain

    i feel as if i live like a joke,
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    You will never be a joke to us. You are now with friends. We accept you , just as you are. We want to help you. It saddens me to see you struggling so much. And you are facing such an uphill battle with school and your health.
    You are safe here, no one will make fun of you or ridicule you in any manner. That BS is not tolerated here. When you are with us, you are safe. I invite you to read my personal story below in green and know you are not the only one facing pain and suffering. You are not alone anymore; you have us now. We will support you. We will give you two things, a lot of emotional support, and a lot of hugs. You will never be a burden to us. I would love to hear more about what is going on with you and what you are going through. The more you share the more we can help you.

    If you are like me you found SF, because you were looking for a way to hurt yourself. So I am going to ask you bluntly, are you suicidal? if you are not then that is great. if you are feeling suicidal, and if you feel like you may hurt yourself; please take yourself to the nearest ER and get the help you need. We care for you. We want you to be safe. If you are having a bad day and need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to reach out to someone here for support.

    If you are suicidal, do you understand why you feel this way? If not, would you like for me to explain it to you? Suicide here is not a taboo subject, we discuss it openly and honestly.

    I hate to see you struggling so much, both mentally and physically. I hate to see that you feel so alone and that you have no friends and no family support. Btw, you have a friend now, me =) I know you are struggling a lot in your studies and that is a big stressor for you. When we are physically sick, it makes it very hard to be mentally healthy. Usually the physical illness leads to depression and a whole lot of other issues.

    For what it is worth , I care for you and I care about what you are going through.

    Take Care of Yourself, you are the only you we have; so you are important to us
  5. ness dean

    ness dean Member

    thank you so much for the comfort and your warm response, i've read your story by the link below...im sorry you struggling so much with your r family and depression..it makes me think others too, how im not alone and how they struggle as much, when i think about medication such the ones for anxiety i also think about my disorder how it will affect my ilness, i want to try these but i fear the effect too

    i may not that much suicidal but i have my moment when i just want the pain to go away, and i might or might not doing a really stupid thing on impulse by that. i start selfharm at 18, when things just get really rough, fresh high school graduate and fear the future. highschool might be the best moment of my life aside from my disability i got nice friends and a really close friend, even though i never really talk any personal stuff regarding my illness with that one closest friend, she's might be one of the kindest and considerate friend ive ever have. in middleschool start from second year it's hell, i remember my first symptom and its so painful, i barely communicate, i stiff all the time, its like my body controlling me to behave in movements i didnt want, i remember crying because i dont know what the hell it is. one time i just an ordinary student, the next time i act completely different, like ive been re-set, the whole of me.

    in middleschool the bullying is no joke, and i begin to think im not human, im a monster. im so young and clueless, im generally awkward and shy before, and my social ability just went downhill after that coupled with my anxiety in social situations. problems start to arise from my illness.

    my mother pressure me to talk more and get friends, my father is really caring but i discover he's in denial of my illness. my sister knew everything i suppose, shes a fresh graduate med-related major, but she's completely mute about it. they dont wanna having any of it. its like im no matter to them.

    i cant bring myself to eat rn, once again thank you @moxman for the emotional support.
  6. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    It sounds like you were really lucky to have her in your life. Do you keep in touch with her?

    I had a best friend too, and for the first time I felt safe when I was with her, or just on the phone talking. She never made fun of me like other people did. She made my life so much better with her in it. I will always be thankful for being in my life. But then, I went and fell in love with her. I couldn't help myself =) and things got complicated, But she never gave up on me. I know this sounds sad, but she was the most positive female presence I ever had in my life. She even hooked me up with my first kiss. Now, that is a good friend. =)

    I understand where you are coming from about being picked on and bullied. I have been picked on my whole life; because I stutter. I hate talking somedays. It is so frustrating.

    So tell me more about your illness. Have you had an official diagnosis of anything? Are you undergoing any kind of treatment to make your life better? Is your condition getting better over time; or is it getting worse?

    I know my health issues are nothing compared to what you are going through. But I understand when people treat you differently; because they don't understand you really are physically ill. Some people are just assholes. I won't bore you with my medical health details.

    So what makes you happy? What do you enjoy doing? When you get depressed or upset, what coping skill do you use to handle it?

    How can I help you the most?

    Feel free to PM/IM me anytime if you just want to chat or discuss stuff in private.

    I care for you , I care what you are going through

    Take Care of Yourself
  7. ness dean

    ness dean Member

    Yeah, i really close with her for three years of highschool, we're classmate for the whole highschool, too bad ever since graduation i hardly keep in contact with her except few casual talk in fb, she got her own family too. I remember the first year i got so nervous and alone i think i will pass out, no one want to sat beside of me then she casually came and casually talk to me like im just another student. We're click good both of us like literature and writing, if theres no her i dont think i can keep up in classes, she's a thoughtful and mature type of person, she just like my own second sister. Beside her i has another close bestie in sophomoreyear, she got bullied too in class because her looks, she's fun to be around and we often talk about music. Your friend sounds like a really great friend, we're both lucky we got such friends.

    Honestly i've never get an official diagnosis or check-up, from hospital and such, but the symptomps and the description so glaringly obvious that's it is, actually i sorta laughing and crying with google tabs open back in the day, i think if im not learning english by myself in middleschool i will stuck forever with 'what's goin on with me, really'. Then, this is it, it's called cervical dystonia spassmodic torticollis, my basal ganglia fucked, i doesnt even have any accident prior to disorder.

    Its like a surreal experience, ive been put into another world, i dont know how to describe. First year of illness i think how the heck i even manage to walk and ride bus to school, even to sit in class i feel like im going crazy, my head wont listen to me, i keep making weird gestures, such simple chores became so difficult its so surreal.

    I feel so useless and isolated, i hate taking pics, my graduation pics looks so terible, even with that my parents keep mum, even with obvious proof and evidence that her daughter in fact is not alright. My another big breakdown happens some months ago, some of girl classmates said such mean, aggresive, things and i just knew it delivers to me, something like i deserves to die, i keep up a straight face and hold my tears. When i got home at weekend, i break down and finally said about whats really going on. My parents alter things to i just cant make friends, too shy, and awkward, i want to laugh omg just what is this...thyre so in denial i cant even

    I coping with writing, simply laying down, and sometimes draw, or listens to music, they makes me feels a bit better. College just makes me think i dont want this, i just want to get a steady job and a place to stay even if its gonna cost me half of my sanity, i dont care what kind of job as long as i can perform the task in my ill state. Even if i became so poor, if i enjoying what i do and being dependent, it would be lovely. The job part sounds childish and surreal, but, really that cross my mind a lot.

    Thank you for the immense support, im sure i would love to chat more with you and hear your stories too, i also sorry if i take your precious time with my rambling and im sorry for my awkward english too hehe, im not a native speaker, its my third language. I hope you have a good day, friend.
  8. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hush, that talk. I happen to think you are a very important person. You are no less important than anyone else here. I would love to talk to you tomorrow. I am going to bed now. It is 3:30 a.m. now and I need to get my big butt to sleep. =)

    I would have never known that English was your third language. I thought you did a wonderful job explaining yourself, it was very articulate. You are obviously one smart young person. =)

    Feel free to PM/IM me anytime, I would love to chat with you

    Take Care My Young Friend , yes we are friends now =)
  9. ness dean

    ness dean Member

    i feels better talking with you, yes, will do, good night and have a good dream there :)
  10. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    IM me next time you are online =)
    ness dean likes this.