I feel like I don't belong in this world

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jinx_, Mar 23, 2015.

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  1. Jinx_

    Jinx_ Member

    I feel like I don't have a purpose. I'm lost and depressed, I cry every day and I can't find a reason to wake up in the morning. Everybody around me seems to have figured out their goals and dreams, but I don't know what to do with my life. I tried killing myself once because I was being constantly abused by an awful man, but it didn't work. Now I'm getting suicidal thoughts, but there is something that's stopping me, I'm telling myself that everything will get better, but it doesn't. I don't have a job, I don't have friends and I just want to talk to somebody, but I'm too ashamed to see a therapist. My parents don't give a damn about my problems, they worry about my education and the way I look (I have a bit of an alternative appearance) and they don't even bother to ask me why I'm so sad or why I don't want to go out and stay in my bedroom all day. I have a boyfriend who's very adorable and loving, but I feel like he's out of my league and that makes me even more sad. I keep hurting him unintentionally cause of my low-self esteem and mental issues. He's a happy young man and he could never understand the way I feel, so I can't talk about my problems with him either.
    The problem is that I'm so scared of the future. I'm afraid that I won't do anything remarkable and I'll end up being... mediocre. That's my biggest fear. Sometimes when I'm alone I get tempted by the thought of <Mod Edit-Methods>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2015
  2. itsME123

    itsME123 Member

    Hello Jinx, Interesting name. some of the best things that happened to me in my life where "jinxed". what I mean is that you don't have to figure everything out right now. Let yourself breathe. Believe me I have been in some really shitty positions in my life that I thought were the end and asked why this was happening to me....but you know what, every time that happened....something would turn it around and I understood why it happened the way it did in the past. I am artistic...no so much alternative dressing but there is nothing wrong with that...you know why...because you are being you and that in itself...is remarkable and not mediocre. can you look at the fact that you have a great boyfriend....in that you are a great person. my mother didn't understand me wither...I think I stayed in my room in high school for three years before they noticed....or they just didn't want to deal with me. Either way....you can be happy. there is nothing wrong with you. I am extremely bi polar...I feel guilty about that all the time even though I cant control it. you don't have to hurt your boyfriend ..... and obviously he understands you enough to know you don't want to. my boyfriend is the same way...he cant understand what I go through....but he doesn't have to. All he has to do is hug me until I feel better (and it does pass) don't try to make people understand you...you don't have to...you are perfect the way you are...you need to own that...some times people don't understand because they don't have the ability to....that is not your fault.....and someone else opinion of you ....is none of your business. I feel like I am talking to myself when I was younger. trust me..i know everything will work out for you...but you don't want to dismiss this time in your life because that is what will make you a better person in the future and amazing to your future family....just get through this and move on with your great life to come....living at home is not the entity of your life....you are and you make the decisions.
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello Jinx,


    You have nothing at all to be ashamed of. Mental illness despite the stigma needs to be treated so you can get better and get on with your life. You have made a great start by joining here and talking to us, I hope you can build up the courage to see your doctor and tell them how you are really feeling. The longer you leave it the worse it gets. Staying inside is not going to help either, try and get out of the house even to go for a walk. Take care.
     
  4. Jericho

    Jericho Well-Known Member

    Jinx,

    I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. All I can offer to you are words of support. All of us here care about and wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Always be thankful for the blessings you have, no matter how meaningless they appear.

    I wish you luck. Be safe.
     
  5. IJ (it just is)

    IJ (it just is) Well-Known Member

    Jinx, I feel your pain and I can relate. But dont be ashamed of going to a therapist. It does help, thats been my life saver. And if you ever wanna talk or get things off your chest there are a lot of us thats here for you.
     
  6. Jinx_

    Jinx_ Member

    Thank you so much for the support, it really means a lot to me. <3 It feels good to talk to someone who can actually understand you.
    I'm glad I found this forum yesterday when I was on the verge of breakdown. My mother once again asked my what she did to deserve a kid like me (I'm adopted, so such words affect me a lot) just because I have tattoos. I told her that some people are murderers and their parents still support them... And then there's me, doing whatever she wants and just because I have tattoos, I'm the worst person, lol. Mom of the year. Then she said that I have low self-esteem and I probably don't have any qualities, and that's why I have tattoos so that people could notice me. It's true that I have very low self-esteem and I think because I've been bullied a lot at school, but that's definitely not the reason to have so many tattoos. I just like the idea of writing the story of my life on my body.
    I want to ask you what do you think about psychodrama? Have you tried that method and if so, does it work?
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your mother doesn't seem like the type to grasp mental illness and most likely does not understand it at all so I wouldn't worry about it too much, the main thing here is you're here talking and sharing your feelings with people that DO understand. I was also bullied a lot in school so I can relate and if you ever need to talk that's no problem :)

    For now, ignore your mom, people say things in anger or distress that they do not mean so try and draw a line and move past it. Hopefully one day she will understand!!

    ~petal
     
  8. Jinx_

    Jinx_ Member

    I will try to ignore her from now on... Thank you, Petal! :3
     
  9. Jericho

    Jericho Well-Known Member

    Jinx,

    There is nothing wrong with you or your decision to get tattoos. In fact, it is a beautiful dream of yours to have everything that has affected you over the years to be permanently recorded on yourself. Like Petal said, it seems like your mother doesn't understand, but who can fault her for it? It doesn't excuse her poor behavior towards you, but there are thousands of people who don't understand depression for what it is...an illness. I went my entire life with friends and a family that I enjoyed being with...but now none of them talk to me, which means they don't understand me or what I am going through. Despite this, I am not angry at any one.

    Be happy, for you have found SF, which is more than just another forum. Here, you can express your feelings in complete anonymity and in explicit detail. We will not judge you here. All of us are going through or have gone through similar situations and can relate with you. Some people here have even been treated and have been cured of their depression, yet they remain. I have learned that this forum is like a large family of like-minded people. I know I speak for everyone when I say thank you for joining, relax, and be safe.
     
  10. shane33401

    shane33401 Member

    Jinx Please don't worry i know how it feels to be suicidal and how know how it feels to have overwelming stress we all care i care alot cause i know how that all feels i was abused also when i was a child i also don't have a job i don't even know if i will ever get a job i also am depressed and i also cry every night well used to until i came on this forum cause that really helped me alot im just posting here to say that im sorry and it really isnt your fault your self confidence is low because of how you were treated in the past i just want you to know i care even though i dont know you i still care cause i know your pain and i don't want anybody to go through that its not nice and feelings like this are so strong they can consume you my best advise hold on to that hope that you have i have held on and if you hold on long enough things will turn out positive you first gotta change your mind set that what i had to do the you gotta come up with a plan of action then you gotta set goals next you need to implement that plan of action and try and have a positive attitude i am by no means saying it will be easy it was certainly not easy for me and its still not but helping people with problems just makes me feel better if i could just save someones life i really do care and no body knows how that feels accept the people that went through it you will get the best support from people that went through what you went through stay healthy and take care please Thanks
     
  11. Jinx_

    Jinx_ Member

    You are really making my world better, guys, thank you so much. I would like to get to know you better, because you're more than awesome. :hug:
     
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