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I feel like I have to die...

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Last night my fiancé officially proposed to me... so we're going to get married... shouldn't I be happy about that? But it doesn't seem to make me feel any better...
I feel like I'm the least important person on this earth... I know he deserves much better than me. I don't understand why people tell him he has a great girl... they don't know the real me... they just look at me and think I’m pretty (which is far from the truth) so they assume he has a great girl. I don’t know why Im feeling so down… someone I know just died, but it hasn’t hit me yet… I just don’t want to be here anymore… everyone is dying and I’m not, its not fair. Just because Im going to have a kid now all of a sudden I have to be perfect and I can’t fuck up I cant die. I can’t live like this… I can’t die either. Whats going on with me. I feel terrible… this feeling WON’T go AWAY! I can’t get rid of this feeling like I need to die. I feel like shit, I can’t help myself and I won’t let anyone help me. I can’t even talk to Adrian about it because he’s had so many people die ever since he got outta jail. He has this vacant look in his eyes, kinda like me. I can tell he’s depressed. He said he wanted to die… maybe we could die together, but he has too many people who care about him… So I don’t know what to do.
I wish I had someone to talk to but I barely know anyone, that’s why I post here, because I have no friends anymore… I have nothing left to live for. The only thing left to do is wait, Wait to die, Wait to live, Wait for an absolution that will never come-
( I don’t know if anyone recognizes that quote…)
Either way I need a release, because cutting doesn’t do anything, drugs don’t do anything, alcohol doesn’t do anything… nothing helps.
I wish I was never born… that would be better than living like this.
But for some strange reason I have a certain peaceful feeling just thinking about death… I feel better knowing I will die soon…
I don’t feel like writing anymore… hopefully I can find tranquility and bliss wherever death takes me.


I am sorry that you are in such pain at this time.. I hope that this feeling passes or you at least find some or use some current healthy ways to cope.. if you ever need to talk send me a pm

I am sorry that you feel this way. I was in a similar situation a few years ago...as far as I can tell, I felt the same way you did. Everyone around me was dying, I had no reason to live, the good things that would happen didn't mean anything or atleast they didn't feel like anything, but as time passes, things get better. I hope you can stick in there because eventually things will get better, sometimes it just takes a little time. I don't think you are ever "cured" but at least the bad days are fewer and get further between...

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