Last night my fiancé officially proposed to me... so we're going to get married... shouldn't I be happy about that? But it doesn't seem to make me feel any better... I feel like I'm the least important person on this earth... I know he deserves much better than me. I don't understand why people tell him he has a great girl... they don't know the real me... they just look at me and think I’m pretty (which is far from the truth) so they assume he has a great girl. I don’t know why Im feeling so down… someone I know just died, but it hasn’t hit me yet… I just don’t want to be here anymore… everyone is dying and I’m not, its not fair. Just because Im going to have a kid now all of a sudden I have to be perfect and I can’t fuck up I cant die. I can’t live like this… I can’t die either. Whats going on with me. I feel terrible… this feeling WON’T go AWAY! I can’t get rid of this feeling like I need to die. I feel like shit, I can’t help myself and I won’t let anyone help me. I can’t even talk to Adrian about it because he’s had so many people die ever since he got outta jail. He has this vacant look in his eyes, kinda like me. I can tell he’s depressed. He said he wanted to die… maybe we could die together, but he has too many people who care about him… So I don’t know what to do. I wish I had someone to talk to but I barely know anyone, that’s why I post here, because I have no friends anymore… I have nothing left to live for. The only thing left to do is wait, Wait to die, Wait to live, Wait for an absolution that will never come- ( I don’t know if anyone recognizes that quote…) Either way I need a release, because cutting doesn’t do anything, drugs don’t do anything, alcohol doesn’t do anything… nothing helps. I wish I was never born… that would be better than living like this. But for some strange reason I have a certain peaceful feeling just thinking about death… I feel better knowing I will die soon… I don’t feel like writing anymore… hopefully I can find tranquility and bliss wherever death takes me.