I'm confused, I laugh and smile genuinely on a day to day basis, and yet i feel like i need to kill myself, i have practically 0 friends, the ones i have always stop talking to me, move on with their lives and i just am alone i'm fine with that, i feel more genuine when alone, better not have any if their gonna leave me, i don't believe in the better to have loved then to have never loved at all. i'm not sad about being alone i understand they have other things to do then talk to me, and still i hear the "i'l always be here" quote from almost everyone and then poof we loose contact, maybe i prefer it this way, after all alot of people say it's my fault too well for not trying to hold on, true then again if they don't talk i won't push and they have friends so i get it they can't have all of them in contact. I'm also a huge douche when around people don't ask why i just am then i get home and get pissed at myself, so there's that i can't help myself. when i'm with people i want to be alone in my room, when i'm alone i think going out is stupid cause sooner or later i'l be back alone. i also think by killing myself would just help, i don't want to work and have responsibilities, people say having them makes them happy or something of the sort, well i don't want any of that, i also don't want to be a parasite mooching on other or be homeless guy so i'm just standing here i feel like when my studies end i'l just off myself, well time is approaching and i'm thinking the good ol' rope will do the trick. i'm not sad, i just don't want to live. i guess? i know family will be sad, but they won't be sad forever. it's kinda hard to explain without writing a huge wall of text, but you get the gist of things, just waiting to grow a pair to finally do it i checked, there isn't any professional help where i live and i have 0 money to spend Recap i laugh and smile and yet feel empty(do i?), but i don't wanna do anything about it or don't know how, confused here. i have few to no friends, am fine with it, deep down i feel like it's better this way. i'm the embodiment of sloth and don't wanna mooch or work. i'm an asshole to people in general. Why shouldn't i do it?