i feel like i need to get worse..

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by alison, Feb 27, 2010.

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  1. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    I feel like I need to get worse before I can get better. Does anyone relate?

    Like right now, I'm in this sucky, but familiar place of depression & anxiety. I see a therapist once or twice a week, i'm on a lovely cocktail of meds, my father makes me lunch every day to make sure i'm eating (i'm 22..). I'm depressed, I hate my life, anxiety is spiraling out of control - which is affecting my schoolwork and my pathetic excuse of a social life, yet i'm not in a 'crisis' situation. I'm not trying to kill myself, I'm eating, I'm being relatively careful with drugs, and I'm going through the motions of "life". But therapy isn't working, I'm too afraid to try anything she suggests. School is getting more and more stressful.

    I feel like I'm spiralling and there's nothing I can do until things get much, much worse. If things fall apart terribly or I resort to drastic measures - then maybe finally I'll get the will to try to get better and/or get more services.. I dunno.

    can anyone relate to this? I feel like I'm just sitting & waiting for something bad to happen.
  2. LSD

    LSD Well-Known Member

    its like you must not get better..
    my psych explained that when you are in depression for such a long time.. your brain kind of get used to that feeling
    and when you are alright... it just feel wrong because of that
    when im feeling ok... its like weird
    to be honest right now im fine..even i stopped going to a therapist..
    but i just cant stop thinking that being this way isnt right either
    i keep trying to be another happy person infront of everybody when in my thoughts im cursing myself..
    im so worlthless that i dont deserve feeling happy

    idk how to explain myself

    and i was in your place.. sitting and waiting for something bad to happen
    giving stupid excuses for not make an effort at my school work
    "i will die anyway" "i will killmyself anway" etc etc

    and years and years happens with the same useless thought
    and then you find yourself in the same spot
    and you realice that nothing happened and you are still alive and you wasted a lot of time

    im studying medicine btw
    and i have no idea why im still there

    you should idk.. try not to waste time at college so you wont reget that letter
    and maybe you feel that way cuz of what i said.. your mind just doesnt want to change...
    feeling misarable is like normal for you..
    and being happy.. isnt
    try to give yourself a chance
    its like complicate and im not sure what im really saying
  3. phoenix44

    phoenix44 Well-Known Member

    Hmm yeah, I can definitely relate. Some people fear they'll "hit rock bottom." Not me - I fear there is no bottom.

    And I can also relate to just going through the motions of life. I try to stay on top of things despite my depression - keeping up my GPA, pretending I feel alright so my family won't worry, eating healthy and taking care of myself. But I'm secretly screaming inside. It's definitely hard being depressed but feeling you have an obligation to act as though nothing's wrong.
  4. Bonifide C

    Bonifide C Member

    You pretty much said want I wanted to say.

    I'm down often but I'm not thinking of those "ending" thoughts. I wake up every morning, walk to class, walk back, do homework, and go to sleep. And do the same thing the following day.

    I stop discussing my problems with my family altogether and pretend everything is alright for the sake of not getting into an argument.
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