I feel like I should "come out"

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rice, Nov 13, 2009.

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  1. Rice

    Rice Member

    Earlier this week I got some bad news over email. I had been talking to myself for the whole week about it but after I got that email, I decided to commit suicide. But enough time passed before I formulated a plan that I calmed down and talked myself out of it.

    There's less than two weeks left until the first anniversary of my only real suicide attempt. I thought I was over it... guess not.

    I feel like I should tell my mom about this. She kind of knows about what happened last year. (Only that I was suicidal, not that I made an attempt.) But you know how it is. It's like coming out of the closet.

    By the way, I'm not suicidal anymore so I'm not in immanent danger. But I'm sitting on this, and everything thinks I've made amazing progress at being a happy person etc etc and I feel like a slimy liar.

    I've been counting down to the anniversary all year. I should have known something would come up again when it drew near.

  2. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    I think talking to your mother would be a good idea. She is still there for you after knowing how you felt, so I think she'd still be there for you once you told her, too. It would do good to get it out of your system. If it will make you feel better, then you definately should. If there's nothing to lose either, what's the point in not telling her?
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Rice..welcome..so glad you found us...this is the time to surround yourself in support...you can tell your Mom that you are very depressed and see how she takes that...then you can add to the story...I think if she is going to be supportive, it would be great to have her on board...best of luck and please keep posting...big hugs, J
  4. Rice

    Rice Member

    There's less than a week left to the anniversary and I'm only getting worse. I'm eating less. Way less. I was saying this to someone on chat, its half ana and half deathwish, because starvation's my chosen method lateley. I got told I need to stop being whiny. Which I know already. Now I just feel worse. I'm afraid to go back onto chat, that and because everyone else's problems are so much worse. I just feel stupid talking about mine.

    Talking to my mom is now the last thing I want to do. I've told her im suicidal a few time in the past and all I felt afterwards was shame and it didn't get me anywhere.

    I'm not sure I want to die, I think of how my sister would be an only child all of a sudden, the family would only have 3 instead of 4, and its a sobering thought. I'm giving it about a week before I take any drastic action, because I'm waiting for something in the mail that I have been wanting and waiting for for a long time. After that, I don't know.

    Thread title is now irrevelent because I dont want to come out anymore.
  5. LivingOn

    LivingOn Well-Known Member

    I really hope that you do confide in someone who you can trust.
  6. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    What's your problems frank? Feel free to PM if you need to talk :)
  7. Rice

    Rice Member

    That's the thing, I don't have much good reason to feel like shit the way I do. The main obstacles right now are my pets are dying, I have two huge papers coming up for two different classes that I feel like are impossible to do but i can't pass without them, and there's someone I've known for forever that I wish I could ask out but I've always only been single and I'm terrified of rejection... But I know I have a great life so I really have no good reason to be here...

    Right now I wish starvation didn't take so long.
  8. Rice

    Rice Member

    I've just experienced a transformation. Talking to butterflies on the chat has reminded me of something. As I told her how she is a powerful person, I remembered that I am one too. And I can choose anything. I'm not choosing this. Good-bye, suicide and ana! I'm not listening to you anymore. Happy travels and all, but you're not in my life anymore. I'm not going to let you enchant me any longer. I'm in charge of my life now!

    I'm sure I'll have down moments in the future, but I have the power to rebound. And I will do so. This post is my commitment to that.
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