I feel like I want to cry

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Matrixcrypt, Feb 15, 2013.

  1. Matrixcrypt

    Matrixcrypt Active Member

    I have been abused for most of my life, from so-called family and so-called friends. I never had any self pity or even felt like a victim, as my depression made me think that I deserve all the bad things that happened to me.
    One of the saddest times in my life, which made me actually cry, is when my sister died. She was 13 years old, and she was a sickly kid, and my parents abused her as much as they abused me physically. Then she died. Reminds me of that saying "life is a bitch then you die". I don't feel sad for myself as much as I feel sad for my dead sister.

    Lately, after a big change in my life. I left my so-called home, both family and country, and moved away. A year after I moved a met this amazing girl. We bonded and we became good friends and now we are a couple.
    She experienced some of the same shit I did. Abuse and bullying, depression, anxiety, and health problems. Each time I imagine someone being rude or cruel to her, I feel like crying, I have teary eyes and feel sad.
    She is such a sweetheart, I can not imagine anyone being cruel to her without feel really, really sad.

    I keep thinking about how cruel the world is. I feel like I deserved the cruelty. But I can't help but feel like crying when I imagine something cruel happening to her. Yesterday, some bitch tutor was cruel to her, and she felt like shit. I talked with her about it and tried my best to cheer her up. Later in the day when I was lying on my bed. I cried for a bit. It just tears my heart that she has/had to put up with some cruel things. She is the nicest and loveliest person ever, she wouldn't hurt a fly, and yet she was at the receiving end of the world cruelty. I hate this. I wish I can change this. I wish I can change her past. I wish I can make her feel better and never experience those shitty situations.

    Granted, I experienced the same situations as well. But for some reasons I don't feel sad about myself. And for more or less, I feel like I deserved all that suffering, but she definitely does not deserve any of that.

    I'm so sad right now that my stomach hurt and my mouth is dry. I wish the world would change its cruel ways. I wish.
     
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Hi.. not exactly same but yea.. abuse hurts.. i lost a sibling too. Best friends with friend had similar happen in her life.. i saw video today about child woth autism and made me cry.. wishing like you i could take others pains away and crying when i see them in pain. And youngest bro i still feel responsible for and angry as he still deal with stuff. But nothing i can do. :( im sorry you is worried for her u sound amazing too.
     
  3. LynnD

    LynnD Well-Known Member

    You did not the deserve the suffering you went through. People are assholes, and that's all I can say right now. But you don't seem to be one of them.
     
  4. Matrixcrypt

    Matrixcrypt Active Member

    I still have siblings living with my parents, but my emotions to their situation is kinda dead. After my sister died it's been rough time for me, then somehow I managed to detach my feelings and emotions of anything that happens in the family. Remembering my dead sister still makes me sad, but there was nothing I could do for her, I tried protecting her from my parents but that only inflected my physical abuse to me, which I didn't care about. And now with my girlfriend, I feel the same way. Just to know that someone would be cruel to her makes worry and makes me feel sad. Especially knowing that she is just this sweet girl. Makes me always wonder what's wrong with this world. Why the cruelty?
     
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Yeah.. i wonder the same :( *offers hugs*
     
  6. Matrixcrypt

    Matrixcrypt Active Member

    I can intellectually be entertained by the idea that I did not deserve the suffering, but deep inside of me I feel like I did deserve it. I think I developed that believe when I was younger to cope with the abuse, and right now I should work on getting rid of it and having a healthier beliefs. I know people are assholes, I've experienced enough pain from people to lose faith in humanity. And I can just wish that I'm different from them and way far ahead with my ways of life and relationships than them. I like to give support and try to make others feel better about themselves, which is something I wished someone would have done to me in the past. Granted, my girlfriend does make me feel better, because she is an amazing person. That's why is it hard for me to accept that anything cruel could happen to her, and especially if I'd feel helpless about it.
     
  7. Matrixcrypt

    Matrixcrypt Active Member

    *hugs back*
    Thanks. You are nice.
     
  8. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    It is hard to go back and say you didn't deserve it. try to.find peace. Good luck. Hope you have help too.
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have great empathy for people hun i think being abused somehow we feel things so much more when others are suffering. As you now know hun not all people are cruel just a few who unfortunately harm so much it takes our trust in humanity away. I am glad you found a gf that can bring some joy to you and you to her hun As a child we were programmed to think all the abuse we deserved so to show empathy to ourselves we were not programmed for that. I do hope hun you can reach out now to a councilor at your school or a therapist to help you heal hun I am sorry for your loss of your sister hun If you can perhaps do something that will commemorate your sister and her spirit hugs to you
     
  10. LynnD

    LynnD Well-Known Member

    Thing is, you CAN'T do anything about how someone else is feeling. I feel like absolute shit right now, and it's up to me to change that. It is difficult for me to change how I feel, and sometimes it takes a loooooooong time for me to change how I'm feeling (it all depends on what's going on in your life, what challenges you are facing, etc.) like right now.