I have been abused for most of my life, from so-called family and so-called friends. I never had any self pity or even felt like a victim, as my depression made me think that I deserve all the bad things that happened to me. One of the saddest times in my life, which made me actually cry, is when my sister died. She was 13 years old, and she was a sickly kid, and my parents abused her as much as they abused me physically. Then she died. Reminds me of that saying "life is a bitch then you die". I don't feel sad for myself as much as I feel sad for my dead sister. Lately, after a big change in my life. I left my so-called home, both family and country, and moved away. A year after I moved a met this amazing girl. We bonded and we became good friends and now we are a couple. She experienced some of the same shit I did. Abuse and bullying, depression, anxiety, and health problems. Each time I imagine someone being rude or cruel to her, I feel like crying, I have teary eyes and feel sad. She is such a sweetheart, I can not imagine anyone being cruel to her without feel really, really sad. I keep thinking about how cruel the world is. I feel like I deserved the cruelty. But I can't help but feel like crying when I imagine something cruel happening to her. Yesterday, some bitch tutor was cruel to her, and she felt like shit. I talked with her about it and tried my best to cheer her up. Later in the day when I was lying on my bed. I cried for a bit. It just tears my heart that she has/had to put up with some cruel things. She is the nicest and loveliest person ever, she wouldn't hurt a fly, and yet she was at the receiving end of the world cruelty. I hate this. I wish I can change this. I wish I can change her past. I wish I can make her feel better and never experience those shitty situations. Granted, I experienced the same situations as well. But for some reasons I don't feel sad about myself. And for more or less, I feel like I deserved all that suffering, but she definitely does not deserve any of that. I'm so sad right now that my stomach hurt and my mouth is dry. I wish the world would change its cruel ways. I wish.