i feel like a ghost. nobody seems to care about me. i've given up reaching out to other people in my life. for a while i did that, but it always felt like i was putting most of the energy in. now that i've stopped doing that nobody calls me. it's like i don't have any friends at all. i guess i never really did. it's probably because of who i am as a person. i don't think i'm that great of a person. actually i have a feeling i'm pretty repulsive, otherwise why would people not reach out to me? i might as well not exist. sometimes i feel like the only thing that comes of my existence is emotional pain for me, and sometimes for my family. i am thinking about killing myself, earlier tonight i felt i might actually do it. coming to the edge like that is intense. most of me wants to die. well, most of me actually wants to live, but not like this. never like this. and i have been trying for 20+ years to change things, and they aren't changing, and i have a feeling that they aren't going to change. if i didn't have family i'd be dead right now. death seems so attractive to me. it's like i have this vision of a beautiful light, and it's right there in front of me, and it's the most wonderful feeling ever. it feels like home. this place doesn't feel like home to me, i don't feel like i belong here. i want to get out and go back home where i belong.