I feel like I'm dead

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by wallflower, May 16, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I can't remember anything from when I swallowed all those pills. I just woke up in my bed and had only a slight memory of being in the ER. It's kind of strange because I am starting to wonder if maybe we don't die, maybe we just wake up and it was all a dream. Maybe the illusion is that death is permanent.
    Maybe there are multiple realities or something like that. I don't know if I would do it again, but I wonder if I did do it again I would just wake up in my bed again like it was just a dream.

    It's hard to live my life right now because my delusions have been getting out of hand, I keep hearing people whispering things and then it's just me confused. I have been having trouble with people online, strange things like I don't know, it feels like I am dead. Maybe it's a good thing that death just means waking up again.

    I'm also worried that people are trying to brainwash me. I've been really scared that people are and are trying to scare me into becoming delusional.
    For one, my computer has been freezing up on me randomly especially earlier when I had written that I didn't think I was schizophrenic in the first place. The reason being is that I don't remember ever hallucinating much, it's more like demons or voices and most of the time it's actual things happening, like hearing an actual voice coming from the radio, or the television...but mostly it's this very uncomfortable sleep paralysis and feeling of being stabbed with a thousand needles.

    I keep hearing "This is all a delusion" I keep feeling like I'm in the matrix, and I keep feeling like there are aliens. I suddenly don't feel I can trust anyone, the reason most of all- I don't feel like I want to go to a hospital, there would be no reason. I just want to get out.

    I have been having flashbacks of the hospital, of the ECT room lighting up and people beaming a flashing light in through the window while talking to me...almost as if they wanted me to think I was having a seizure? That might seem paranoid but the other thing is when someone tells you that you are paranoid when you aren't truly paranoid that is kind of cruel.

    I know that I experienced some strange things leading up to being hospitalized. Like, I had a little heart that broke and I found it wrapped up with clay stuck to it and it was stuck together. I found a piece of paper with the word magic written on it stuck to a paper towel roll when i got home from a vacation. People were constantly blaming me for things getting stuck in strange places. It was like someone was messing with our stuff.

    That is kind of what sparked the paranoia.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun dont know what to say other than that you dont have to be alone through this. You have the members here. You can trust us because we all know the pain you are feeling and each of us is here to try and help one another.
  3. jdjd66

    jdjd66 New Member

    ECT is scary.

    But I totally understand that one thing you were saying -- about death being an illusion. Because like I've tried so hard to die, that I'm sort of shocked that I'm alive. Like, things like trucks accidentally having the break fall off and miss me by inches, and I'm alive, things like trying to kill myself, or thinking about it so much, and then I wake up. I sort of feel like every time I die, it's like I just am back in reality, but it's a little bit worse. But maybe this is a dellusion. It's like my mind is just trying to do anything to prevent my self-destructive nature. They say there's the ID, the ego, and the superego. I think there are primal parts of me that know I want to die and are trying to keep me alive, while my consciousness craves death. But I do know what you mean about that feeling of "wait... am i really alive still? this doesn't make any sense."

    I sort of think that you can die though if you make it virtually impossible to live. So like, maybe if there are different quantum realms and you try to die, you just cancel out the ones where you die, but not the other ones. But maybe you can cancel out all of them if you do something so destructive that nothing could survive. For instance, there are certain things that would just be impossible to survive, given your own free will, like not opening a parachute by choice. Like that would cancel all the quantum realms.

    But maybe it's like, for most people who aren't suicidal, they always keep staying alive in some quantum realm. Like, that actually isn't that crazy when you think about how quantum physics has to do with probabilities, etc.

    Maybe you aren't crazy. Maybe everyone else is just so scared of the world that they can't see outside of their parochial little eyes?

    I had the same sleep paralysis thing and the same feeling of being stabbed with thousands of needles right around this time I was really suicidal but then for some reason, that I don't even remember, I didn't die -- I just continued on. It almost felt like I went to hell and came back. But it's probably just dellusional thinking. For me, the sleep paralysis was actually related to sleep problems too. I think I wasn't breathing properly when I was sleeping.

    Have you thought of going to a sleep institute to see if you are breathing when you sleep and have normal brainwaves when you are sleeping? Given what you say, I mean, maybe you just aren't sleeping right, and that can cause all sorts of problems. I know that personally, the feeling that I was being attacked in my sleep and that all these things were coming at me (a feeling I can't put into words because it can't be put into words) -- that feeling just went away.
  4. RenegadeWill

    RenegadeWill Account Closed

    'Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you.'
  5. florizel

    florizel Member

    Wow.... that's.... wow... I'd always thought that was all movie stuff. Couldn't believe it happens in real life too. And the fact that you're only 19! (But then again, I myself had my first suicidal attempt back in high school.)

    Well, all those scizo things aside, I think you're a pretty good writer. The way you pour your heart out really got me hooked. And one day, when you've finally had your breakthrough and can look back at everything with a smile on your face, maybe you'd wanna consider writing a book or two about it.

    So... Be strong.

    We're here for you.
  6. Tnecniv

    Tnecniv Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel... I'm 14 and do almost feel the same way... just that my delusions arent that bad (I sometimes see things, don't hear them)... I'm paranoid, deppressed and I get many nervotic brakedowns... I've tried to commit suicide 2 times before, but it didn't work.... and I'd say it again: I know how you feel...
  7. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry things are bad for you right now. :hug: feel free to pm me if you need to talk more about anything.
  8. jerrin

    jerrin Guest

    Hope I don't misread your feelings! So here goes, I've been in the situation where I lost my wife(divorce), separated from my kids, lost any pride I had in myself and went through the next 10 years plodding along, getting up, eating, going to work, coming home, eating, sleeping; add to that I was made redundant, yet another reason to think everything was against me! I was going through life without any aim, without any drive to do anything, and there where Many,Many times I disappeared down that bottomless pit of self hate/pity/loathing, convincing myself I couldn't do anything, so much so, I started avoiding any situation that I might fail in. I felt dead. At the lowest point I called the Samaritans, made appointments to see my doctor, got on anti-depressants, saw a therapist, and gradually I started to realise that I had done something different, I had started to break the mould. I got some books("Who moved my cheese" by Dr Spencer Johnson & also a cognitive therapy book), opened up to family members. I gained enough confidence to learn to drive, draft a good CV, and get a new job. I then started an evening course in pottery, found I could talk to strangers-face to face.
    Don't ever loose pride in the skills you have developed since birth, you've done many amazing things.With a fresh approach, a bit of help and the desire to feel alive again, you will succeed.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.