I can't remember anything from when I swallowed all those pills. I just woke up in my bed and had only a slight memory of being in the ER. It's kind of strange because I am starting to wonder if maybe we don't die, maybe we just wake up and it was all a dream. Maybe the illusion is that death is permanent. Maybe there are multiple realities or something like that. I don't know if I would do it again, but I wonder if I did do it again I would just wake up in my bed again like it was just a dream. It's hard to live my life right now because my delusions have been getting out of hand, I keep hearing people whispering things and then it's just me confused. I have been having trouble with people online, strange things like I don't know, it feels like I am dead. Maybe it's a good thing that death just means waking up again. I'm also worried that people are trying to brainwash me. I've been really scared that people are and are trying to scare me into becoming delusional. For one, my computer has been freezing up on me randomly especially earlier when I had written that I didn't think I was schizophrenic in the first place. The reason being is that I don't remember ever hallucinating much, it's more like demons or voices and most of the time it's actual things happening, like hearing an actual voice coming from the radio, or the television...but mostly it's this very uncomfortable sleep paralysis and feeling of being stabbed with a thousand needles. I keep hearing "This is all a delusion" I keep feeling like I'm in the matrix, and I keep feeling like there are aliens. I suddenly don't feel I can trust anyone, the reason most of all- I don't feel like I want to go to a hospital, there would be no reason. I just want to get out. I have been having flashbacks of the hospital, of the ECT room lighting up and people beaming a flashing light in through the window while talking to me...almost as if they wanted me to think I was having a seizure? That might seem paranoid but the other thing is when someone tells you that you are paranoid when you aren't truly paranoid that is kind of cruel. I know that I experienced some strange things leading up to being hospitalized. Like, I had a little heart that broke and I found it wrapped up with clay stuck to it and it was stuck together. I found a piece of paper with the word magic written on it stuck to a paper towel roll when i got home from a vacation. People were constantly blaming me for things getting stuck in strange places. It was like someone was messing with our stuff. That is kind of what sparked the paranoia.