I feel like I'm detoriating.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by sadlife85, Aug 28, 2012.

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  1. sadlife85

    sadlife85 New Member

    hello all...I'm really not sure where to begin with this, but I'm going to try my best.

    As a small child I was always teased and made fun of. I suffered severe depression which resulted in cutting myself to cover the emotional pain I was feeling.

    As years went on I always had a very low self-esteem that never got better.

    About 5 years ago, my self-esteem started getting better once I found a really good job and I felt like I was actually going to be worth something to someone. Then I met a guy, and my goodness this guy was amazing at first. He didn't have a good job, or very much going for himself, but there was just something about him that I adored and couldn't get enough of. 8 months into our relationship, he choked me for the first time and walked out on me. Here is where it all started. Confusion, manipulation, sadness, depression, and all kinds of unanswered questions.

    I couldn't understand how I couldn't be worth enough to be treated with respect. So I started to believe that I just simply was never going to be good enough to have the life I always dreamed for (being happy). So I eventually ended back up with him and he choked me about 1 year later. He was sent to jail and rehab services. I thought maybe after this he would get help and learn from his mistakes. He came back and I took him back. During this whole time he was very good with emotional and mental abuse. I felt trapped and like I would never be able to move....well I am now 5 months pregnant and he walked out on me. On top of this he turned my own sister against me and she is in the process of filing harassment charges against me because she feels that I am "trying to ruin her life".

    I am now at a stand still. Where from here. I have a child growing inside of me that NO ONE cares about. And when I say no one, I really mean it...he has turned a lot of people against me.

    I feel so low and I feel like I can no longer go on with this. I feel like I have gone through 13 years of depression and this is the cherry on the cake. This is the worst it can be. I want to put my hands in the air and say "I give up!" I honestly lay down at night and have no desire to wake up the next morning. I hope and pray that one day I just won't wake up from my sleep.

    Can someone please help me understand this? And please keep in mind that I have a some friends say that I deserve better and that it will get better, but I just don't believe it. There is something inside of me that just knows it won't ever get better.

    Please help me out here.
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    welcome to the forum. i cant say i've ever been in your situation, but he sounds like a right bastard, to say the least. you do deserve better than that. i wont tell you all the cliches about how it gets better cause here's the reality: life has its ups and downs. and the downs suck, there's no way around it. but you do deserve better -- no one deserves a guy like that. no one.

    with regards to the child, are you going to keep it, out of curiousity?

    i hope you find what you are looking for.

  3. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    I absolutely believe you deserve better< but you have to believe you deserve better. You kept going back to that guy because you believe you don't deserve any better. But you do.

    Do you think you will keep the child? Maybe your child is that love you've been looking for.

    And if your sister honestly believe anything that guy tells her, than she's not very bright.
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