I feel like im dying...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Songie, Nov 11, 2011.

  1. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    Everday. i just feel like im slowly draining away into nothing. I eat, i sleep, i shower, but none of it matters. none of it means anything. Its just what your supposed to do. You smile, laugh, watch a movie, w/e....i remember living more then this. hell, i lived more then this when i wanted to die..now ive finally found a man worth living for and been with him for 2 years...so now i just have all of this pain..it builds in my chest, pushing against me like the carbonation pushes against the lid of a soda can before it sprays everywhere when its opened...i dont know what to do anymore. My son...he haunts me. In everything i do. everywhere i go, i see children, i see happy families, i cant even speak to my sister anymore because i can hear her son in the background when i call her and it kills me inside. it kills me that im jealous of her. it kills me that she and my cousin were both pregnant at the same time as me and yet they got their children. After everything ive been through, i deserved something. Something to make up for it. for the rapes, the abuse, the hospital visits...but...i didnt get that. I got an urn filled with my baby's ashes. I know life isnt fair...but i used to believe in Karma, i dont anymore. ive always been a nice person, ive never wronged anyone intentionally. SO WHY GOD DAMMIT?! WHY?! Why would i have to go through 17 years of abuse and rape and fear...just to have my son die within 6 months of my 18th birthday. Ive taken it all in stride, figured all of this SHIT would make me a better person and that karma would benefit me in the long run. But...my son?! Why? I wish everyday that i had bled out in that hopsital bed. that i hadnt had to push out a child knowing that as soon as he was outside of me he would die..that his lungs couldnt possibly handle breathing yet. 2 more weeks...just 2 more weeks and he woulda had a shot. But it doesnt matter. all of the would have and wouldnt haves, might've, all those words are just here to haunt me. they are here to remind me of what could've been. when truly theres no reason to think about it. hes gone. im dying inside. they said this would go away, that i'd feel better...and i dont. over a year later and i still feel it as if it happened yesterday. I can still feel him kick..i can still remember holding onto my husband and screaming in anguish...purely emotional anguish. nurses from down the hall popped in all the time to make sure i was ok and all i could do was cry and scream and scream. i just...i want to forget. i want to stop hurting. i hate this...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i do hope you have obtained some grief councilling to help you hun move pass all this pain please get some help for you I am so sorry for your loss hugs