I feel like I'm going crazy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ItThing, Jun 5, 2008.

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  1. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    I'm not the most brilliant student in my school, but I wanna be better. I'm taking all of next years textbooks with me on vacation to learn everything in advance. I might be able to learn most of it, but even if I manage to raise my grade for next year and receive some recognition, I know it will never be enough. I can't be the best artist in my school, the best musician, the best math student, science, history, language and english. And if I am, I will still fear and hate everyone who does better than me, next I'lll have to be the best in the world at EVERYTHING. No I can't do it, but I know that I'll just go crazy if I can do it because I'll still have to do better, and I'll just go crazy if I can't do it because I'm so jealous of everyone around me. I want a way out of this. I always feel like crying when I hear about college, because I know my parents for example never think of the possibility that I will fail because I'm not that bad but I always feel like I've failed already. I can't talk to anyone about my feelings because I know I'm crazy and I'm afraid of what they'll say. I want help but not from my parents.
     
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    A positive in this situation is that you have that motivation, something that I'd really like to have myself. But yeah I hear you, I can sense how stressed you are. Is there anyone else you can speak to, other than your parents? Getting it off your chest will really help, seriously. Maybe a friend or other relative, or one of your teachers?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2008
  3. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    I really hate school too but I feel like there's nothing else for me. I don't need as many friends any more, and I don't have that many. People like me can have buddies but no one truly emotionally supportive. We're more like mutual punching bags than friends. And the only way I get the attention I need is by being special. I always need to be so special, that's how I explain to myself why I have no friends, but nobody ever thinks I'm special. And if someone does compliment me I don't react, I'm sort of like, 'it took you THIS long'? Even though it's a good compliment, because I'm just not mature enough in that way. Who is? I don't believe I'm ever going to control myself. I don't believe either that anyone thinks I have a problem. I never cut, I don't get wasted. But I hurt. That's what drives me crazy on this website. Everyone has huge problems, but I hurt too. Even though I have no right, because I'm lucky, but I still hate myself. It isn't fair. I'm in pain and there's nothing to blame. No death in my family... no molestation... I don't even feel suicidal most days, so I feel like I'm not allowed to cry. If only I had someone to turn to I'd feel just fine...
     
  4. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    I don't know, I really want to talk, but I'm terrified of them saying it's not a big deal, which it isn't, but I still want someone to hear me out. It's easy for me to talk and talk about myself but I can't control the reaction...
     
  5. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    'it took you THIS long'?

    lol awesomest reaction to a compliment ive ever encountered
     
  6. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    >< lol I highly advise against using it...
     
  7. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I totally understand what your saying, I've felt the same things myself, like I shouldn't be depressed for no legitimate reason, and sometimes I feel worse coming on this site and reading about people who've been through really terrible things. But all I can say is, you know the way you feel, and if you need help, you need help. You shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty, I mean you might have a genetic or biolgical predisposition to depression.

    And about the friend thing as well...that hurts...seriously I know. You seem like a really nice person though. You just seem to be low in self confidence, thats why you maybe feel that you have to be brilliant and the best at everything because you feel like the person you actually are inside is lacking. But who you are isn't your grades or whatever.

    I definitely think you should tell someone, their reaction might not be what you want, or it might be really supportive. Just try and think of the best person to tell, who you think might be willing to help. That's all you can do really. And you seem really stressed and very unhappy so I think it's definitely worth taking that risk.
     
  8. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Thankyou, it's hard for me to accept but still that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a while... I'm scared though, I'm afraid if I put my trust in someone by sharing everything I feel they might just lead me down the wrong track, and then my problems are the same only everyone always bothers me asking if I'm okay. I want to believe what you said, I don't want to have problems, I just want I way out of how I feel :cry:.
     
  9. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Well I think you should take the chance in confiding in someone. If you fully convey how bad you feel they're going to want to help you....you know suicidal thoughts are pretty serious. I don't think that all they're going to do is ask you if you're okay a lot and leave it at that. The bottom line is, can you actually keep this to yourself? Or do you feel that you can't actually go on feeling the way you do, internalising it? Anyway just the vocalising of your thoughts with someone to listen really helps, believe me.
     
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