I'm not the most brilliant student in my school, but I wanna be better. I'm taking all of next years textbooks with me on vacation to learn everything in advance. I might be able to learn most of it, but even if I manage to raise my grade for next year and receive some recognition, I know it will never be enough. I can't be the best artist in my school, the best musician, the best math student, science, history, language and english. And if I am, I will still fear and hate everyone who does better than me, next I'lll have to be the best in the world at EVERYTHING. No I can't do it, but I know that I'll just go crazy if I can do it because I'll still have to do better, and I'll just go crazy if I can't do it because I'm so jealous of everyone around me. I want a way out of this. I always feel like crying when I hear about college, because I know my parents for example never think of the possibility that I will fail because I'm not that bad but I always feel like I've failed already. I can't talk to anyone about my feelings because I know I'm crazy and I'm afraid of what they'll say. I want help but not from my parents.