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I feel like I'm going to kill myself because my parents don't care/pay attention!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Haley1996, Nov 19, 2011.

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  1. Haley1996

    Haley1996 Member

    I don't even know where to start! I'm 15, in 10th grade. I feel extremely suicidal because I can't get my parents to pay any attention. First off, since I was 12ish I began feeling maniac all the time. Some weeks I'll be happy, some sad. This is more than mood swings. My parents have no idea because they won't listen! I get straight As in school, I weigh 115 pounds and I'm about 5'9". My Dad is really busy with work, he's Editor in Chief at a publishing company that is worldwide . (From France-Africa) and also he compares me to other kids, saying I should be more like them which results in suicidal thoughts in my room and cutting. My Mom spends 4 hours a day on the phone (WHEN I'M HOME FROM SCHOOL). She has hobbies with these dumb dolls and combs their hair, dresses them, and does crazy stuff like even paints them! And she collects tea cups too! She treats these items like they are her children. I've tried to tell my parents before so I started with smaller things. I have an EXTREME phobia of needles and I told my Dad and he said "hahaha, that's so stupid". I felt like he didn't care!! So I feel like I can't tell him anything else. My Mom doesn't even listen and if I start to tell her something she says stuff like "Stop whining". I'm not crying on purpose, I feel like I need help and crying releases stress. The fear of needles started when I was 5 and the nurse was giving me a shot and she started yelling then she accidently pushed the needle in too far and there was blood everywhere and I remember it stained my clothes. That's where I get the fear from. Now, I have a fear of telling my parents stuff because when I was little they would say stuff like "Stop crying" or "Shut up" so I feel like if I start to tell them something it makes me sick because I feel like I'm gonna get yelled at. I feel awful because now I cut myself. One day my Mom was on the phone with her friend and I asked something important and she said "I don't have time for you now, Leave me alone and get out". So I grabbed the razor and started cutting my ankles. Now I have cuts all over because I can't stop. I also cut my other ankle, knee, arm, thighs, fingers and hands and more. It releases all my stress! I feel like they don't care about me!!!! And see, they buy me stuff all the time. I don't get an allowance, I just use their credit card. But see, they pretty much pick all the stuff. They won't let me buy music I like. My Mom said I should only like Pop music like Katy Perry, Adele, ETC. when I prefer BANDS (she said bands are bad) like My Chemical Romance, Panic! At the Disco, Fall Out Boy, ETC. -- she said they are evil. These bands save me!! If I didn't have them I would be dead. I'm trying to give up the cutting because of them and the examples they set. They said "You should never hurt yourself over anything or anyone". But my Mom hates them! OH and I don't even know where to start with this: My Mom said if I don't join her religion she will never speak to me again. That made me sooo suicidal. I cried for a week in my room. I have 2 sisters, one of them has a mental illness and I think it's because of my parents. I don't want to sound mean, but they used to argue all the time and went into marriage counsiling. I feel like I'm living an EXTREME soap opera :( I just want to end IT ALL. I'm not trying to attention seek, I just want to be noticed by my parents. They don't know me at all. They think they do though. And it's like they notice me in some way -- like, if I'm in my room for 15 minutes they ask what I'm doing (that's if they aren't busy of course). And they make me show what I'm doing because they think I'm up to no good or something. They say you can't swear (Damn is bad and supposedly is a sin), I can't date until 18 (which doesn't bother me) -- I CAN'T HAVE CRUSHES ON BOYS. Of course I do! I'm 15! They said you can't like the opposite sex until ready for marriage. So I hide what guys I think are cute -- I like guys like Gerard Way, Pete Wentz, Ryan Ross, ETC (Pretty much guys in my favorite bands) and if they knew I would be grounded. I also can't wear makeup. Which doesn't bother me. I can only wear lipgloss. And when I'm 16 I can't drive unless I'm with them. They keep me on a chain in the sense of my freedom (of course they don't pay attention to other stuff). I don't want them to notice the cuts -- but I'm surprised they haven't noticed how sliced and bloody my ankles are!!! And my hands. I accidently waved my hand in front of my Mom and she didn't even notice! Thank goodness, I'm trying to hide the self harm. They think I'm perfect! Which is painful. Also, they said masturbation will screw up your mind and cause mental illness which isn't true. (I do it, if they knew I would be kicked out of the house). If I said the F word I would be grounded for a month. I snuck and watched the breakfast club. It helped me so much! I feel easily related to now, and if they knew I would probably have my phone taken away forever. My oldest sister rebelled big time. She went and got a tattoo, earrings and eloped to a random guy. My Mom almost had a heart attack. Since my sister is still technically in the religion and her husband was in the religion too my Mom still talks to her. Also, my Dad picked out what career I will have and wants me to go off to an expensive college. He said he wants me to be a writer or sometype of job like that and that I'm going off to an ivy league college which TOTALLY isn't my thing. I'm not really the scholar type. I just want to live my life myself!!!!! I feel like I'm gonna need MEGA therapy when I'm 18. If I asked my parents they would LAUGH and say it's stupid. My Mom said that I'm her only perfect daughter and the one she hopes will lead the family right. WHICH KILLED me inside when she said that. Now, my parents are screwing me up because they are getting rid of my sofa and replacing it with a damn recliner. This is an example of communication. Just up and having my sofa taken away with no discuss first. My Dad is so busy with his job, then in his free time he has hobbies like golfing and woodwork. Like I said, my Mom has these dolls and toys and stuff she literally thinks about all the time. She has them all over the office, and is now getting into reborn dolls that look like real babies. My friends and I relate to the most. We talk about a lot of stuff, but I'm having trouble telling them stuff because they might go to their parents. See, their parents are friends with mine. So it's stuck. Now, see My Mom is on the phone, my Dad is off doing woodwork or something, and for about 3 hours I will be left here crying and they will have no idea. My Mom is always talking to this friend of hers, and she's always saying "oh my poor friend, her husband is cheating on her and I have to be here for her all the time" or something like that. I've tried to tell my Mom about my ISSUES and she said "I don't have time for this, leave me alone". I feel like i'm a character from a damn movie!!! I need some serious advice from you people. My life is so messed up. And if I call the suicide hotlines (which I feel I need in person advice if you get it) my parents will know as they check the phone bills. Also, I can't play a musical instrument which is killing me. I really want to play guitar, but they said it's too noisy and it's evil. I did ballet when I was young and they took me out. Now my Dad wants me in Basketball and it's not my thing and he's forcing me to do it. I'd much rather take up music lessons. I exercise like a fool! He said competive sports will be good for my mind. This issue alone is making me suicidal. He said "Oh you should be more like the girls who play basketball" and said "Basket Ball will be awesome for you, and maybe I'll send you off to a college for basket ball". Basketball is fine, it's just NOT FOR ME. I can't take people living my life for me. Which is why I feel like rebelling big time now by buying albums they don't like, watching more R rated movies and maybe even painting my nails black. They said the color black is evil. It's my favorite color and I prefer black makeup like eyeliner, black hair, black nails, ETC. They said it's gothic and that gothic is evil. I don't want to be damn gothic, I just like the look of black! If I dressed in white they would be so happy. Black is no different than white. I like the look of scene with layered hair. They said that's awful. My Mom said she won't let me get my hair layered! She said the best hair that is modest for a young religious woman is cut evenly across. I really want streaks in my hair like blue or pink -- If I asked I would probably be yelled at. A week ago I started crying and my Mom said "BE QUIET AND SHUT UP" and that made me get the nervous twitches really bad and it made my stomach get queezy, now I still have the feeling. Someone, please help me!! I need some advice!!!! Sorry for taking up your time! I feel hopeless and may kill myself.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Do you have a family member or teacher that you trust?
    you need to share this with an appropriate adult and if your parents won't listen then someone in authority or the family should be the person you go to.
  3. Haley1996

    Haley1996 Member

    I don't :( I've got no one!
  4. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    hey. you just described my life from age 13 to 18 (i will be 24 on monday). my parents think everything i like/want is stupid. they have convoluted ideas of what's good and bad. i starved myself when i was 13, and they HAD NO FUCKING IDEA. how do you not notice that your 13-yr-old isn't eating?! we have similar stories. they have NO IDEA who i am, but they think they do. my mom thinks she knows what i like and don't like to eat, which is completely UNTRUE. and she doesn't listen to me when i tell her otherwise.

    and, they won't let me just live my life. i can't just be myself. to this day, i can't. i'm being forced to go to medical school! medical fucking school!!! i'm miserable here, and i would be more miserable if i didn't have a few good friends. i am soooooooooo sick of studying. i need a year off to recuperate. i gave in to the fact that i was going to medical school against my will, but i simply asked if they would let me take a fucking year off to recuperate, and they threw a fucking fit. fuck them. i'm BARELY passing b/c i am so burned out and i can't study as much as i need to...

    i know it sucks right now, but you're not alone. and you can make it out of there. you're 15, right? continue to do well in school, and then when you start senior year of high school, DO NOT apply to colleges nearby. when i applied to colleges, none of them were within 300 miles of my family. i actually went almost 1000 miles away for college in NYC. there's down sides to it, but there's a lot of good sides too, especially for people in our shoes. do it. just leave. go as far away as possible. the further you are, the harder it will be for you to come home to visit them, and vice versa.

    you just got to hold on for less than 3 years. it sounds long, but it will go by so fast. stay close to your friends. talk to school guidance counselors. i know it's scary to tell people these things. or, try talking to your doctor if you can ever see him/her alone. they are required by law to keep things confidential. and, run the confidential thing by them. tell them you don't want your family to know but you need their help. they will help you. i wish i had known that when i was in middle and high school and i needed somebody to help me.

    and PM me if you need anything. i've been in your shoes for far too long.

    and, be yourself when you get the chance. don't make the same mistakes i have...
  5. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    They're doing their best to mold you into exactly what they want you to be, and that's not right at all. It also seems like they emotionally neglect you. You keep saying, if I do this or that, I'll be grounded or I'll have my phone taken away. Are you really that afraid of those things? It seems to me like it's a small price to pay to regain some individuality. In the end, they really can't do anything. All they have is their threats of grounding you. Not like they can kick you out of the house at 15, that's illegal. So I say, just be yourself. And inform them that telling you not to think the opposite sex is attractive is biologically impossible and even if you wanted to, you couldn't do it. Tell them to crack open a book other than the Bible. Geez, it makes me sick that some crazily religious parents totally wreck their kids with their ridiculous beliefs and expectations. Easiest way to cause your kid serious developmental problems. I think you really need a counselor or therapist.

    Also, since you say you like bands, check out AFI. They're a punk/alt.rock band. Listening to them helped me when I was going through similar stuff. I recommend "This Time Imperfect". Great song.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    is there a councelor at your school? please talk to them as soon as possible..
    can you talk to your doctor??

    perhaps you could write a letter to your parents telling them that you're feeling suicidal and need their help..that might solve the communication problem
    I'm sorry your parents aren't listening Haley..we parents are in a different time warp but when confronted with your letter there seems to be no way they can ignore the fact that you need help asap
    I understand your need to be heard...
    I hope they listen
    we're listening *hug*
  7. Haley1996

    Haley1996 Member

    Thank You. These answers are giving me help. I'm having trouble talking to someone in person which is my problem. I've got a mix of issues going on, it's mostly my parents living my life for me (which is where one answer went into to). It's making me feel suicidal living up to their expectations, it's killing me inside. At the same time, they don't give a shit about me so they aren't paying attention to most stuff I do, which hurts, not that I want them to notice some things like the self harm. I'm not gonna do it anymore, I already scarred my ankles too bad which is making me sick, I hope it goes away. They only do 3 things: Read bible, think about bible and talk about bible. They want me to be sinless which is making me crazy!
  8. Haley1996

    Haley1996 Member

    Also, my Dad is mad about my weight and thinks I'm fat when I have no idea why, I weigh 115 (yes, under 120) and I'm tall. I'm 5'9" and he said I need to start excercising more and lose some weight, it makes me depressed! I can fit into size 4 super skinny jeans and he complains. I feel like getting an eating disorder! He obsessed with sports, it's making me suicidal.
  9. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    Hey Haley! in regards to you having trouble talking to someone in person:

    do you have somebody you trust? that you would talk to if you could talk about it? if so, write them a letter and give it to them. it's so much easier than bringing up difficult subjects. you can give them the letter, watch them read it, and talk about it...OR, if you give them the letter and leave, and won't see them immediately after they read it, tell them in the letter that you have a hard time talking about it, and that you would like them to bring it up with you. was that confusing?

    in regards to everything else, PM me if you want. i'm the 24-year-old-version of you. we even weigh the same (if i wear shoes). i'm a little shorter, though.
  10. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Hey Haley. I can relate a lot to what your feeling.. I am 20 now, but my parents also had a very strict religion.. I eventually got pretty bad and ended up in a lot of mental health programs and state homes until I was 19 and was able to go to a place on my own.. But anyway, I honestly wish things could be better for you then they are.. Seems like total shit for you right now.. :( You are always welcome here to talk to us and you can PM me anytime if you want someone to talk to more about all the shit..

    Please don't give up yet.. We are here for you to support you :hug:
  11. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Fifteen is rough. Be as honest with them as you possibly can. If they throw that back in your face, then go to someone else. An aunt/uncle/friend and tell them.
  12. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    May I ask what is your religion? I think your parents do not fully understand what the Bible is about? Even they are not sinless. The thing is God knows that no one could be sinless so He sent Christ and yadah and yadah... It does not mean that we are free to sin but to be "sinless" and be "perfect" is like throwing away most parts of the Bible for you are self righteous if you do not sin. And being self righteous will get you nowhere. No one is sinless, IMO your parents have a wrong view of religion. I don't want to sound so rude but talking to people who are negatively influenced by religion (like your parents) is a waste of time. I think your parents need to understand that religion IS NOT ABOUT RULES. Thats a very common misconception especially to the "super-devout followers".

    I had the same problem with religion and it bothered me to the point that I don't go to church anymore, went to a Christian forum online to ask the question of "sinless"- concensus answer: that is a very very wrong way to interpret the Bible. Your parents need a serious "shake-up" in their beliefs. Its the people who make religion look bad.

    I think your parents "want" the best for you but by doing so they are depriving you of your own choices. Its like they are projecting what they want best for themselves unto you. Many parents are like that. They destroy their children's uniqueness.

    They are the ones who have a problem. I believe that they need help from some sort of parenting expert and someone who correctly understands the Bible. It so just happens that you feel the effects of their own personal issues. Based on your description, I could say that your parents have "unresolved" issues of their own because its like they want you to be who they wanted themselves to be.

    All I could say is don't listen to them, just be yourself and hopefully they will realize their faults. Don't feel bad about being not being 100% sinless - no person can attain that. It is actually against the Bible (forgot the verse but if you can find it, it will serve as a huge counter-argument to your parents and I think it may enlighten them).
  13. Haley1996

    Haley1996 Member

    Thanks to more good answers, I have a sister who I think I might be able to talk to in a few months when I visit (she lives far away from us), I think she could help too, but for now this website is helping me a lot, thank you! I'm trying to talk to my parents but they are totally not listening which is making me sad, and it's hard with really strict religious parents because they think about sin all the time and being perfect, and they say stuff like if you sin you'll get mental illness or something so I'm scared they'll think I'm doing bad or something, but I think they are a big part in my anxiety issues because growing up I was taught really strict stuff and told not to do anything bad ever or something will happen and it's made me a nervous wreck now...
  14. Haley1996

    Haley1996 Member

    And the religion is Christianity to answer the last post
  15. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    If sin begets mental illness then the entire world is doomed...mental illness is a disease - it has no conscience in choosing it victims - it just happens regardless of sin - whatever one takes that to mean.

    As to practical advice I can't add much to the already excellent points brought up - having said all that here I go anyway with some thoughts of the top of my messed up head...

    Have you considered any kind of relationship counselling to help bring you and your parents closer together.

    Does your sister have the same issues with your parents - and did she have them at the same age - these are questions I would ask of her. If the answer is yes - then ask for advice.

    Your parents are clearly very religious - have you considered talking about your problems with someone from the local religious community - maybe there is someone like their pastor who's actually more reasonable about it than they are...could be a useful go-between.

    My final thought is this - speaking as someone who's on a journey with religion - probably no version of the Bible would count me as a worthy person - but that's the thing - to me - God is in one sense a shared conscience. If you can live with your decisions then that's now between you and God/Yaweh/Allah/Shiva/other...and who are other people to judge what will ultimately be judged by God anyway?

    Hope that made some sense...drop me a PM anytime.

    Much love,
  16. Haley1996

    Haley1996 Member

    Thank You, I think my sister did have problems my age, I really think about talking to her! And as for my parents, I'll try to get help from someone like at the church or maybe a therapist too.
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