I feel like I'm just completely messed up! It's not even my fault!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sammy1243, Mar 10, 2008.

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  1. sammy1243

    sammy1243 New Member

    I am at the dreadful age...you know the ones worse than the teenage years? the 18-19s...before you are a full adult yet you are no longer a teen...

    I can't figure out what career I want...I'm struggling at the college...I can't find a job and my anxiety causes me trouble keeping one. My friends have all disappeared into their own new lives...and I'm drowning...

    All while I'm going through this...I have a malicious mother...ever since I turned 12 she has been nothing but badgering me and doing what alot of people would classify as emotional abuse. Something sparked in me today when I heard on the radio they were talking about raising teenagers and the one woman said make sure they know you love them.

    my mother NEVER and i mean NEVER says I love you. I havent gotten an I LOVE YOU out of her since I was 10. When I was 12...of course preteens are akward and heavier...she used to tell me i was fat and told me to stop eating and that i was just disgusting to look at. I constantly get "youre so ugly" out of her...which developed at 14...and she has NO trouble saying it infront of my friends and boyfriends. I can recall one time we were in the car and my boyfriend was there and my mother was just RIPPING into me...saying how i was ugly and stupid and annoying and how no one likes me...i could see my then boyfriend just going completely red and bitting his lip not wanting to say anything.

    im so embarassed to have friends over because my mother has a tendency to wander in and then start bitching about me. one friend in particular she does this too. this friend is an extreme alcoholic and sleeps with anyone who asks but she has good grades...so my momtells me i should be more like my friend and that my friend is better than me.

    any time i come to her with ANYTHING she bitches at me or tells me im stupid. she yells the f word to me and calls me names. and it does hurt. i dont come to her with much anymore because of it. i havent even told her im engaged.

    she always lies...esp about me. ive heard her telling her friends on the phone before how she wishes she would have aborted me and how horrible i am.

    im told by others that im a mothers dream. Im predictable...I dont drink...yeah i smoke mary jane OCCASIONALLY(to have SOME escape from reality) but thats it...my mom always knows where i am...i rarely have friends around...im more into reading books than out there getting into trouble...but she doesnt notice any of this. all her focus goes to my bad stuff...for my raised voice...for my low grade.

    im just DYING to hear Im loved and appreciated...Im the type who just wants to make people happy. my mom LAUGHS at all my ideas...laughs when anyone says im smart...laughs when im told im sweet.

    my dad is bad too but not as bad as her.

    and right now im just so stressed out and she is REALLY pushing me over the edge. im so close to just ending it cause i feel like no matter WHAT i do it isnt good enough! i think death would have to be better than this! i have enough going on without such influences in my life. my body is being tolled with my stress too...i keep getting infections and my immune system is at an all time low...im always close to tears...i moved in with my then boyfriend in the summer for a month (it ended up not working out) but ive never felt better in my life. i cant move out anytime soon cause i have no job and shes the one paying for my school and she refuses to if im not at home.

    the other week i had a psychotic breakdown...i was on the floor screeching and crying and laughing and i just couldnt control myself. i told them why it happened and i told them how i felt...

    my mom laughed at alot of it. and almost refused to take me to the hospital. my dad actually cared and came to see if i was alright (while i was starting to myself in the bathtub). i told them everything and my dad changed...my mom is the same her...she didnt even give a shit. she said well if you die then good.

    what am i supposed to do? im going out of my minD!!!!!!!!1​
  2. einahpets08

    einahpets08 Member

    Just stick it out for this night, and in the morning call either the samaritans or befrienders; it's not fair that your own self-esteem and sense of worth should be based on how your mum views you, especially when I suspect you know deep down she's in the wrong. Good luck, and maybe speak to your dad if you can get in touch with him :)
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    ugh, that sounds horrible, god knows why she is so mean...
    you need to start with an escape plan. even if you can't move out right away start gathering info... student loans, bank loans, figure out how much you might make in a part time job, deferring a year from school ... if it takes getting out of the house to stay alive then do it...
    plus, i was emotionally abused as a kid and i can tell you it takes quite a while to get over it. you will need some counselling, since the messages we learn from our parents cut deep. if you don't deal with them now they may come back to haunt you later

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