Currently I'm 22 years old. Mentally I feel, 67.
Let's get down to it.
At the age of four I remember this specific conversation I had with my cousins as they jokingly asked if I had a boyfriend considering I was only four. With excitement I said yes, my dad. They were confused and said no that's your dad. Then I was confused.
My biological father sexually molested me along with maliciously getting into my head. This continued for 7 years. In my own head I was conditioned to think every daughter has this relationship with her dad. Daddy's little girl made sense to me in that way. I feel like I let things happen be void of that.
As I got older I started to understand right from wrong and realized this isn't right at all. I began to transpire this inner rebellion. This inner depression. This inner hostility.
Freshman year of high school I gave no care to the schooling system and failed dramatically along with feeling alone and depressed. Sophomore year I realized I'm more fond of woman because in my own head all men hurt. I created a relationship with a female individual who eventually found out about my secret. Secret yes, never once was projected as I was to afraid to voice it over to officials. Anyway she finally got me to understand the reasonings as to why I should and that it's all up to me. I thought of my favorite teacher and imagined the scenario.
Eventually my dad ran from our house and stayed in another city to avoid being found. He got found anyway and was thrown in prison for about 5-6 years. Great. Within that time frame I began to grow spiritually, mentally, all around I felt like I was blossoming. Ofcourse it didn't happen that way, I went through the truama that comes with it all but eventually I was happy to be alive everyday.
Junior year was messy too, I had a new girlfriend who fit the description of a leach.
She helped me transform for the greater spiritually but shattered my vase when I realized I was watching a screen all along.
In this time my mother would continually conversate with my dad over the phone whilist in prison. This effed my mind up so much considering I told her three times he was doing this in my youth and all she did was scream at him.
Senior year I began to sink into a deep depression again only this time I was seeking a way out, permanently. I was later put into a psychiatric hospital to be observed. Everyone there was treated less than average, animals. I came out with a level head. My mom took me to Olive Garden?
my current reality consists of feeling alone, feeling less, feeling lost, feeling depressed, feeling like no one understands my depth, guilty, hostile, moody, sensitive, insensitive, happy, sad, so many emotions and feelings that make me want to bash my head in like it's literally driving me crazy because I feel like I'm in a constant mind battle with myself that no one can undermine.
I'm here typing all of this so that I can atleast get something. Just something. Thank you for reading until the end.
Let's get down to it.
At the age of four I remember this specific conversation I had with my cousins as they jokingly asked if I had a boyfriend considering I was only four. With excitement I said yes, my dad. They were confused and said no that's your dad. Then I was confused.
My biological father sexually molested me along with maliciously getting into my head. This continued for 7 years. In my own head I was conditioned to think every daughter has this relationship with her dad. Daddy's little girl made sense to me in that way. I feel like I let things happen be void of that.
As I got older I started to understand right from wrong and realized this isn't right at all. I began to transpire this inner rebellion. This inner depression. This inner hostility.
Freshman year of high school I gave no care to the schooling system and failed dramatically along with feeling alone and depressed. Sophomore year I realized I'm more fond of woman because in my own head all men hurt. I created a relationship with a female individual who eventually found out about my secret. Secret yes, never once was projected as I was to afraid to voice it over to officials. Anyway she finally got me to understand the reasonings as to why I should and that it's all up to me. I thought of my favorite teacher and imagined the scenario.
Eventually my dad ran from our house and stayed in another city to avoid being found. He got found anyway and was thrown in prison for about 5-6 years. Great. Within that time frame I began to grow spiritually, mentally, all around I felt like I was blossoming. Ofcourse it didn't happen that way, I went through the truama that comes with it all but eventually I was happy to be alive everyday.
Junior year was messy too, I had a new girlfriend who fit the description of a leach.
She helped me transform for the greater spiritually but shattered my vase when I realized I was watching a screen all along.
In this time my mother would continually conversate with my dad over the phone whilist in prison. This effed my mind up so much considering I told her three times he was doing this in my youth and all she did was scream at him.
Senior year I began to sink into a deep depression again only this time I was seeking a way out, permanently. I was later put into a psychiatric hospital to be observed. Everyone there was treated less than average, animals. I came out with a level head. My mom took me to Olive Garden?
my current reality consists of feeling alone, feeling less, feeling lost, feeling depressed, feeling like no one understands my depth, guilty, hostile, moody, sensitive, insensitive, happy, sad, so many emotions and feelings that make me want to bash my head in like it's literally driving me crazy because I feel like I'm in a constant mind battle with myself that no one can undermine.
I'm here typing all of this so that I can atleast get something. Just something. Thank you for reading until the end.
