I feel like I'm loosing my mind. HELP

#1
Currently I'm 22 years old. Mentally I feel, 67.

Let's get down to it.

At the age of four I remember this specific conversation I had with my cousins as they jokingly asked if I had a boyfriend considering I was only four. With excitement I said yes, my dad. They were confused and said no that's your dad. Then I was confused.

My biological father sexually molested me along with maliciously getting into my head. This continued for 7 years. In my own head I was conditioned to think every daughter has this relationship with her dad. Daddy's little girl made sense to me in that way. I feel like I let things happen be void of that.

As I got older I started to understand right from wrong and realized this isn't right at all. I began to transpire this inner rebellion. This inner depression. This inner hostility.

Freshman year of high school I gave no care to the schooling system and failed dramatically along with feeling alone and depressed. Sophomore year I realized I'm more fond of woman because in my own head all men hurt. I created a relationship with a female individual who eventually found out about my secret. Secret yes, never once was projected as I was to afraid to voice it over to officials. Anyway she finally got me to understand the reasonings as to why I should and that it's all up to me. I thought of my favorite teacher and imagined the scenario.

Eventually my dad ran from our house and stayed in another city to avoid being found. He got found anyway and was thrown in prison for about 5-6 years. Great. Within that time frame I began to grow spiritually, mentally, all around I felt like I was blossoming. Ofcourse it didn't happen that way, I went through the truama that comes with it all but eventually I was happy to be alive everyday.

Junior year was messy too, I had a new girlfriend who fit the description of a leach.
She helped me transform for the greater spiritually but shattered my vase when I realized I was watching a screen all along.
In this time my mother would continually conversate with my dad over the phone whilist in prison. This effed my mind up so much considering I told her three times he was doing this in my youth and all she did was scream at him.

Senior year I began to sink into a deep depression again only this time I was seeking a way out, permanently. I was later put into a psychiatric hospital to be observed. Everyone there was treated less than average, animals. I came out with a level head. My mom took me to Olive Garden?

my current reality consists of feeling alone, feeling less, feeling lost, feeling depressed, feeling like no one understands my depth, guilty, hostile, moody, sensitive, insensitive, happy, sad, so many emotions and feelings that make me want to bash my head in like it's literally driving me crazy because I feel like I'm in a constant mind battle with myself that no one can undermine.

I'm here typing all of this so that I can atleast get something. Just something. Thank you for reading until the end.
 

Attachments

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
I hope you have someone professionally in real life to talk too as well to help you with the trauma It takes so much time to heal and if talking here helps you then keep posting ok. Let the sadness and confusion out here.
 

Ineluki

The Storm King
#3
I can understand how difficult trust is for you right now. I agree with Eclipse that the best thing to do is both post here AND get professional help, if you aren't already. Those things seem to work as a pretty good combo.
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#4
I'm sorry that both your parents failed you so horribly, both as parents and as human beings.

What would be the best way that we could help?
 
#5
I hope you have someone professionally in real life to talk too as well to help you with the trauma It takes so much time to heal and if talking here helps you then keep posting ok. Let the sadness and confusion out here.
Thank you, I'm making it a mission to do so as I am very invtroverted and private, but I do want to take that route.
 
#7
I'm sorry that both your parents failed you so horribly, both as parents and as human beings.

What would be the best way that we could help?
Don't be sorry, I guess it's all part of the process. I'm actually not sure that's why I came here. This forum actually saved me life today. I'm just glad to even get a response. I just want to be heard. I'm going to mak it a thing to grab the phone and call.
 

Innocent Forever

Go as long as you can. And then take another step.
Chat Pro
SF Supporter
#9
Finding professional help can be difficult.
You are so worth it.
What came across to me when reading this was the inner strength and determination you must have to still be here and to still try and make the right choices.
You deserve to live a life you love, and you can get there.
Everything can break you, or make you.
Ever heard of kintsugi? It's a Japanese art form whereby they use broken pottery to form the most awesome pieces, way more beautiful than they could have been.
You can do it.........
(((hugs)))
Welcome to the family :)
 
#11
Finding professional help can be difficult.
You are so worth it.
What came across to me when reading this was the inner strength and determination you must have to still be here and to still try and make the right choices.
You deserve to live a life you love, and you can get there.
Everything can break you, or make you.
Ever heard of kintsugi? It's a Japanese art form whereby they use broken pottery to form the most awesome pieces, way more beautiful than they could have been.
You can do it.........
(((hugs)))
Welcome to the family :)
Wow. You have no idea how much this means to me. To be acknowledged, to be seen. Thank you. You are beautiful.
 

Dawn

Well-Known Member
#12
Hi and welcome. That is terrible what u have been through. U have so much strength. I am so glad sf helped u! I don't have much to add to these awesome responses but I wanted to welcome u here. We are here for u
 
#13
Hi and welcome. That is terrible what u have been through. U have so much strength. I am so glad sf helped u! I don't have much to add to these awesome responses but I wanted to welcome u here. We are here for u
Thank you Dawn. I do feel that at home feeling when I'm here. I appreciate this family here. I must say that I no longer feel alone with this and it's so good to know I have support from beautiful people. Thank you.
 

Dawn

Well-Known Member
#14
Of course, it's my pleasure! This place has helped me a lot and so thankful it has helped u so much!! Hope to see u around often.
 

gypsylee

SF Supporter
#17
What bands/singers do you like? I’m a bit of a music freak. It’s one of the few non-chemical things that get me by.

Here’s a short list from another forum: P!nk, Die Antwoord, TØØL, Faith No More/Mike Patton, Pearl Jam/Eddie Vedder, Nick Cave, RHCP, Rob Zombie, Slipknot, Stone Sour, Prince, Eminem, The Cult, The Cure, Marilyn Manson, Pink Floyd
 
#18
What bands/singers do you like? I’m a bit of a music freak. It’s one of the few non-chemical things that get me by.

Here’s a short list from another forum: P!nk, Die Antwoord, TØØL, Faith No More/Mike Patton, Pearl Jam/Eddie Vedder, Nick Cave, RHCP, Rob Zombie, Slipknot, Stone Sour, Prince, Eminem, The Cult, The Cure, Marilyn Manson, Pink Floyd
What that's awesome! I like a bit of everything honestly. I'm trying to expand it too like listening to music from other cultures

Here's my short list: sylvan lacue(inspirational rap), Black Sabbath, Stevie Rey Vaughn, Led Zeppelin, Brenton wood, logics space themed album, sublime, rhcp, dani bell and the Tarantist, sheep dogs, fleet foxes, bin iver, best coast, waves, cherry glazer, gosh I really can name so many gypsylee I really love the idea of music haha.
 

gypsylee

SF Supporter
#19
Here's my short list: sylvan lacue(inspirational rap), Black Sabbath, Stevie Rey Vaughn, Led Zeppelin, Brenton wood, logics space themed album, sublime, rhcp, dani bell and the Tarantist, sheep dogs, fleet foxes, bin iver, best coast, waves, cherry glazer, gosh I really can name so many gypsylee I really love the idea of music haha.
I had a feeling you liked stuff like Zeppelin.. Not sure why. Most of those I haven’t heard of. I need to listen to some music ASAP though because I’ve been writing like a maniac and my head is completely in the air. Music helps reconnect my mind and body/soul. I think seeing as we both like RHCP that’s the way to go. Flea on bass was one of my brother’s biggest influences (it’s the 4 year anniversary of his death). Flea was also originally from my side of Melbourne :cool:
 
#20
That's the first time I've heard that but I sort of like it haha

What inspires you to write? I'm not a serious rap artist but I do find myself writing to some instrumentals on sound cloud. It's some how an outlet for me to express. It's just sometimes I get major writers block.

Oh look at that that's really cool Lee
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$455.00
Goal
$255.00
Top