I feel like it's all my fault....

[BlueHealingHeart]

I feel like everything is my fault, anytime we fight in the end everything is always my fault. Before I was happy, now I feel miserable and I keep thinking every time we fight or get into an argument that it's my fault. Before I was really laid back, now I'm angry and anytime I'm around him I feel angry, upset, sad or paranoid. In my head, I feel like I'm the one that's starting everything. Anytime he wants to have sex and I say, No he says I'm neglecting him and that I don't love him and if I don't have sex he'll break up with me. I feel like such a horrible girlfriend, I hate myself at this point, and I don't even know who I am anymore. Keep getting constant headaches, back pains and my stomach is always hurting. Don't understand why.... my health is getting worse. I'm getting panic attacks, what's happening to me?? Some people told me that he's abusing me and when I tell him that he's being abusive towards me and tell him how he makes me feel. In the end, he told me that it must be.... my other personality taking over and that I'm being paranoid and seeing things.... I'm going crazy? Am I the one who's crazy? Please someone help.... I'm so tired of being in pain.... :upset:

 

[Syn]

Okay if he's saying your neglecting him for not having sex with him and he's not even considering your feelings, then I'd say you're not going crazy and the alternate personality thing is BS on his part. He sounds like a manipulator, not a good type to date. The whole angry, upset, sad, paranoid feelings are temporary, you're still hurting and it takes a lot of time to move on after something like that. The stress of heartache can make your health worse, and it can increase anxiety, but those are temporary too. When the heartache fades, you'll start to feel better, but pain of the heart takes time to dissipate. If you're still with him, I'd say break up with him for not taking you seriously when you try to tell him how you feel. In a good relationship either person should be able to talk to the other about their feelings openly. You're not going crazy, your heart just hurts

 

[In Limbo]

I'm sure this sounds simplistic - but if you feel in such an awful situation, to the point where this person is making you deeply unhappy and unwell - then how do you feel about ending the relationship?

 

[Terry]

My ex had a lovely habit of when we were going out somewhere special, we would be in the car halfway there and he would turn round and say " Are you sure about that outfit?"
This little gambit always succeeded in spoiling any outing, as I would spend the entire time thinking I looked wrong.
Which of course was exactly why he had said it.
He was very good at subtely putting me down, wrong footing me and generally making me feel less than I was.
Sounds very much like you have his twin.

Your health is suffering because you, at some level recognise his abuse and are very angry.
It probably hasn't filtered down to your conscious mind yet, but your subconscious is fuming.

Any man who says he will break up with you if you won't have sex, needs a swift kick to the groin and then shown the door.
Sex is an expression of love, not a blackmail tool.

Of course he'll say it's your fault, paranoia, hormones or whatever excuse he can dredge up, when you fight back.
Tell him to get stuffed and take his manipulative arse off to some other door.
You may feel, initially, a sense of panic and upset, but I bet your health improves within the week.

 

[BlueHealingHeart]

Thank you for all you're replies. Yes I've tried to leave him several times already and each time he cried and begged for me back. Every time I noticed I would always take him back and I didn't understand why this was. Deep down I just kept thinking of that lovely person I once knew and that person I loved. I loved him and I would do anything for him, every time this guilt just came over me and I began crying and than ended up taking him back. Went through weeks and months kept saying that I would leave him but I tried to save the relationship cause of the love I had for him. Now it's getting to the part where I'm really getting angry at myself and thinking to myself, "What are you doing? Wake up! Stop going out with him, just end it! End it!" This little voice inside of me has been coming up a lot lately, I feel like I was stuck in the fog and not wanting to see the whole picture.

The whole time I kept trying to paint a picture for myself and thinking what our relationship could be like and daydreaming and having fantasies to soothe myself. Than reality hits me and I feel sad, confused and angry all at once. Realized I never want to admit it, like I don't want to believe that this is happening to me. You love a person, you let a person in and you feel in your heart that you finally found true love and then it all comes crashing down on you. It's damaging and it has been affecting my health in many many ways. I'm ready to leave, but it's going to be so painful and I hope everyone can be here for me when I finally break it off with him cause I really need support. Don't really have much support from my family right now cause their all worried about their own problems. Just need people to talk too, make new friends and people that will be here for me.

 

[MoAnamCara]

Please do leave. But, before you do, be prepared. Get things in order that you'll need. Any paperwork etc.

I've been in your shoes and it is incredibly hard to make that move. I thought things would improve... I thought it was all my fault... They got into my head and I believe what was told to me. And re sex.... Big red flag. What I went through was considered rape. Don't let them do that to you. I still, many years later, feel the effects of that time.

I'm not sure where you are, but consider also contacting a women's shelter and/or rainn.org. They have live chat also... That way you have other supports out there too.

Please stay safe. There is nothing wrong with you, irregardless of what words you are being fed. Trust your instinct.

 

[BlueHealingHeart]

Yes I think I'm going to prepare to leave him. I don't live with him which is a good thing. He lives close to my house though which upsets me. Everything is just getting worse, nothing is getting any better. I'm always tired and drained and I hate the way I feel about myself. Believe it's time for me to end it.

Anything I do it seems like, he'll just get mad at me and I feel like I can never do anything right anymore. He goes and does as he pleases and I never complain, cause I don't want to him get angry and pout. But yet anytime I do anything, I won't ever hear the end of it. Tired of hearing him yell and get mad over the most stupidest things. Than he switches back to being loving and sweet towards me, I don't get it and now I just don't care anymore. Tired, Sore, Drained, Worthless, I'm tired of feeling like this. I have no energy anymore, all I want to do is sleep. Believe I'm done with this for good. This isn't worth it, at all!!

 

[Theodora]

If you do end this relationship please consider therapy or a help line for abusive relationships. Some of us are very proficient at repeating old patterns and need help to forge new ones.

 

[snarrylover]

Everyone is right. You're not sure what is happening, why you are feeling like you do...so you need to get some perspective on the matter. I wonder how you would feel if you weren't with him? You could feel much calmer. Stress and worry can hurt your body. You need to ask yourself...Do I really want to be with someone who threatens to break up with me if I don't have sex?

You're right, it's not worth it. It's not worth putting yourself through it. It sounds like you're not gaining any happiness from this relationship. If you do break up with him, don't let his begging change your mind. Is it possible to have someone with you? Or to go to someone's house aftewards? You said yourself you know you need to do this but please don't put yourself in danger. Let someone know what is happening so you're not alone in the aftermath. I'm sure you'll feel so much better without the worry of him.

 

[BlueHealingHeart]

Thank you for you're replies again. Yes I think that would be a great idea, I noticed that every time I did break up with him or tried that I had this overwhelming guilt feeling like I was going to destroy him and feel bad for hurting him. Even though he's hurt me, I always seem to put his needs and wants first before mine. No it's not worth it, I feel like I have to fix our relationship constantly, it's all up to me. Sometimes I wonder how he really feels cause he's so up and down with me and I can't keep up with him. The aftermath I know will be horrible, I'm already damaged by other relationships I've been involved with and having panic attacks from the stress. Once again thanks for replying to my thread on here. Before I felt so alone and lost, thinking I was imagining things.