I feel like it's my fault

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by closertolove, Aug 17, 2009.

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  1. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    when i was 10, this boy who was only a year older than me began to abuse me and my friend, CC. i feel awful for it- only a month or so before it began, i was pushing for him to get her to date him. not because i thought they would be a good couple, but becasuse when we were 10, we thought the whole concept of girls liking boys was just silly. it lasted for about 3+ years, and i know it ruined me, and i cant help but feel responsible for it

    we look very simliar: blond hair, blue eyes, muscular. he called us his *****s and his bitches, and said that he could make us do what he wanted

    im not sure it affected her as badly because i tried to protect her from what broke me: he carried a knife every day, bragging about what he could make "anyone" do "anything he wanted." he would try to get me in the locker room with him... and thats when i first became suicidal. i was so proud, i thought if he was going to kill me, i was just going to have to beat him to the punch and not let him get the final say

    CC, if youre reading this by any chance (i hope you arent), i'm SO SO SO SO sorry and i love you and i hope you never have to experience anything like him again. i hope that if you are ever in the unfortunate event that someone calls you a slut or a *****, you never fill with the violent anger i feel and the embarrassment. please forgive me
  2. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    I'm not your friend CC (sorry for any false hope)
    but I went through something very similar to this, except it was a group of boys and i was much younger.
    you're not responcible for what happened to your friend though, you can't control what she does, it was all her choice and not your's.
  3. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    your not responsible,
    as much as it feels you are,
    you can only control your actions and no one elses
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You did nothing wrong nor did your friend i hope she is well Please know there is nothing in this you could do except tell. Then you may have been too afraid but nothing you did caused this to happen
  5. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    what upsets me the most is that people who thought they knew all that was happening didnt think it was his fault. i BELIEVED it was my fault, that i was doing something to ask for him to treat me awfully. which is why i react so strongly when people call me a slut today

    i feel awful knowing that she might feel this way too, ive just never had the courage to ask
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Closer, is there any chance of you and your friend talking about it now. They may be having the exact same thoughts as you. There could very well be 2 people that are carrying a lot of guilt that is not theirs to carry. And if you have a chance to talk to one another about it, it could be the first step to getting rid of something that was never yours to begin with. I hope you can hun.
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