I feel like killing myself

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by titanic, Nov 11, 2008.

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  1. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    The love of my life has been looking at porn. I feel USED and SICK and have stopped eating. We have talked about this over and over and there's no getting through to him. He has killed our relationship. He knew how I felt about the subject and I warned him that I would finish it if he did it again. I wish there was a helpline I could phone, I have been badly affected by this.
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. Feelings of betrayal in serious relationships is perhaps one of the most difficult trouble a person can experience. It's important to have an open, sincere, communicative relationship.

    Are you suicidal just because you've broken up? Is there any other feelings contributing to your problem?

  3. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    He said that I am responsible for this because I pissed him off!! Oh, so that means we can all do what the hell we like then if someone pisses us off!! He sent me a stupid poem (sorry I am angry at the moment) like that is supposed excuse his behaviour?!

    Love is patient,
    Love is kind.
    It does not envy,
    It does not boast,
    It is not proud.
    It is not rude,
    It is not self-seeking,
    It is not easily angered,
    It keeps no record of wrongs.
    Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
    It always protects,
    Always trusts,
    Always hopes,
    Always perseveres.
    Love never fails.
  4. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    He thinks he can just throw that bible at me, I sent him these the other week:

    Pornography is Cheating

    I believe that there is real sexuality between two people that love each and that there is false sexuality of which pornography is an example. When false sexuality is entered into, there is no fulfillment, there is still yearning and the urges soon come again. Pornography promotes false sexuality, which I believe is wrong since it is not emotionally or spiritually fulfilling.

    I married a guy only to find out he was into porn. Now he wants to share his porno fantasies with me. He actually gets turned on by telling me about him picturing me with another guy or women. Fantasy or not this is too much for me. He claims that it is natural and it will always be a bedroom fantasy. I say it is leading to much more that I want no part of. Porn has ruined him.

    Making love starts with emotional intimacy that leads to physical intimacy, in order to express the love one feels toward the other. Pornography cheapens physical intimacy.

    Pornography makes people come together to try and "get off". The goal is pleasure. Pornography promotes physical intimacy as pure sensuality and is empty and one-dimensional and makes each partner sexually selfish so that they don't care about the other. I would call that cheating, because my partner cheats me of themselves and of myself.

    Pornographers makes pornography for money. They are virtual pimps. I call it cheating if my partner views porn.

    Porn is addicting. It destroys the meaning of sex. In many cases, people that solicit pornography fail to appreciate a real individual and the fulfilling relationship they could have had because pornography has blinded them.

    People come to want instant gratification, and since they can have it, they will never seek to address their addiction to porn and so insist to their partner that it is not cheating. Pornography hijacks real sexuality by replacing it with gratification. This may affect the person in their real relationship, since they might need pornography to become properly stimulated for sexual activity. The person may impose a criteria onto the other partner to "acts out " certain favorite pornographic sequences done by their favorite porn actresses.

    Pornography makes people lazy. Wishing instant gratification they spend less time trying to be emotionally connected to their loved one. This is cheating the loved one of what they need from you as their beloved.

    Makes unfair demands on your partner in sexual expectations. It can cause dissatisfaction with your partner and the relationship if they fail to live up to expectations.

    Causes anxiety to the partner, just like cheating. I ask myself, why is he in this room doing this? Why is he wanting to look at all this stuff, before sex? Why is he or her trying to guide me into using this stuff? Why am I being told, that I don't know how to really get aroused good? Why is this occurring ?

    Pornography makes men fantasize certain physical traits in other women and cause them to lose interest in their own.

    I feel as if my partner is trying to have sex with someone else, that I am being objectified, when I know pornography is part of his life.

    Porn conditions the viewer on sexual perceptions and on other women and men.

    I found out my fiancee' was looking at live sex sites. It pisses me off to no end. I don't care if he looks but don't go searching for stuff like that. That leads to wanting to meet, etc. I feel betrayed.

    Guys who say that girls are weak for being mad about Internet porn should consider how weak they are for fantasizing over someone they have not even met and then excusing themselves as if it is normal when they already have a real girlfriend.

    Women want to be appreciated. If your partner seeks to save themselves only for you, body and soul, why should they not see it as cheating when you actively seek out the bodies of other women for satisfaction?

    I think pornography is on the same level as sleeping with multiple people as it causes self-esteem problems for your spouse. Even if it is not technically cheating to some people it still hurts and damages a person and their self-esteem and a relationship that could otherwise be a beautiful thing.

    In marriage, you present vows of trust, love and faithfulness before God, your friends and family. If it is stipulated anytime before, or during the marriage that one or both partners feel that viewing porn is an act of betrayal in a partnership, or breaking of the marriage vows, then viewing porn, whether in secret or right up in your partner's face is absolutely cheating.

    For some reason, people who like pornography cannot see that viewing it is just as addictive as alcohol or drugs. Finding out my guy is viewing porn when I have asked him not to is ruining my life, my ability to concentrate and to be productive in my work; I cannot concentrate on anything other than this and I have told him he has broken my heart and my trust.

    Whether you are gay, straight, bi-sexual or non-sexual, pornography devastates relationships. My husband does not "value" me and this will always be in my thoughts. He has placed porn above our marriage

    Stop excusing it as your poor sex life, or he needs this because he has more testosterone, or you aren't really an attractive person, or it is just "normal" male behavior in relationships. It is immature, and deviant thinking, and needs to be addressed.

    If you turn to pornography, you turn away from your marriage or loving partnership, placing your own self-interests before them. I don't think I am being unreasonable. Call me "frigid" or "controlling" - which seems to be the label given for women or men who are "upset" by this kind of behavior - but I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

    It can lead to outright cheating. My husband has a history of wanting, almost needing to watch porn - tons of rentals. When we got married, he got my message that I am not into that, that it makes me feel demeaned, etc. Over time I have discovered that he was not only watching internet porn but that he was also conversing with women, sending and receiving pictures. He swore to stop - he didn't. Now he peruses even dating and divorced sites.

    If you were looking at porn, would your man understand why you had the need to see other guys naked? I doubt it. So why should you put up with it?

    What does he do when he looks at porn? Satisfy himself? Pretend he is with those woman? Pretend he is with you doing those things? I doubt that last question. He is fantasizing he is with those woman doing those things.

    If he has you, why does he need porn? Ask him why he needs to look at porn? What is he getting out of it? And what kind of porn is he looking at? Violent porn against woman? Kiddy porn? What? And you need to tell him how you feel about this.

    Yes, it is cheating there should be no reason for him to look at porn if you are his girlfriend, wife of significant other why can't he look at you?

    If you are giving and getting sexual energy to/from another woman -- photo or not! -- you are ignoring something real and meaningful in the woman you have.

    If a man likes, loves, or even remotely respects a woman he would not have the want or desire to look at another woman in a sexual way.

    In my case, my husband looks at online porn almost every night and it really bothers me. In the meantime, I go to be alone each night. I consider that cheating.

    If he is hiding it, he already feels that he is doing something wrong. If he is "relieving" himself to these women, even more so. If the woman does not agree with these actions of viewing pornography and he does it anyway, you deserve better.

    My boyfriend does it quite frequently, and it's been bothering me a little lately. I'm a little insecure and sometimes I do find myself envying the women that he's looking at. I just feel that if he were as happy with our sex life as he says he is, then he shouldn't feel the need to look at naked women all the time. It makes me feel kind of inadequate, that I am not good enough for him.

    It's demoralizing to me. I have only caught my boyfriend twice looking at porn on the internet. When I confront him about it he gets mad and doesn't want to talk about it. I feel that if he is hiding it and gets mad when you want to talk about it and it makes you feel insecure then yes I consider it cheating. Especially if he can spend hours on the internet at night and not even so much as touch you at night when you go to bed. Maybe we are both insecure.

    Most women would prefer that their man actually sleep around every Friday night, rather than have an emotional connection with a 'particular' woman, with whom they might speak with at work every day. Or even worse, a woman they have never met, a porn star or actress, and a fantasy about them.

    Who can compete with a fantasy? Especially one air-brushed and made up for photogenic purposes in pornographic pictures and movies! Totally unrealistic. Being the object of desire for my our passion and dedication and selflessness, is what I expect. Men do not give emotionally as women, as they are more sexually orientated, but I want the best my man is able to give. I want him to desire me. No one else. I sacrifice so much being emotive, and expect little in return. Just fidelity.

    If the passion has gone, be sure we know. I refuse to be substituted for porn because he doesn't want to face up to things.

    Biblically speaking, it is cheating.
  5. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    And I sent him this:

    Pornography is an evil, staged act of abuse and torment; the actors and actresses hate what they’re doing (as well as each other). There is no love, joy, or ecstasy as we’re led to believe; it’s all a sick lie. (Picture trying to function while a camera is inches from your groin, there are lights everywhere and the room is filled with people.) Some actresses are coerced into complying with their “director’s demands;” many are on drugs and/or alcohol in an attempt to numb the trauma from the experience.

    “Most girls who enter the porn industry do one video and quit. The experience is so painful, horrifying, embarrassing, humiliating for them that they never do it again.”
    Luke Ford, quoted by CBS News

    Want more proof? Read a former porn actress’ testimony.

    Many use sex, porn, and lust as a sick substitute for love, comfort and peace. In marriage, sex provides warmth and intimacy with another, but even in marriage, sex cannot fill an empty heart with love. Sex is not love; it is meant to be an act that expresses love between one man and his wife.

    We all yearn for an answer to the pain in our lives; we want something that can assure, comfort and heal our hurting hearts. We want to know that we matter, that we have value, that there’s something in us worthy of love.
    And, we want to be loved.

    But all too often, the messages we hear growing make love sound impossible; some were abused physically, emotionally, sexually and even spiritually. “You’ll never amount to anything… you’re fit only to be used by others… you’re too filthy, ugly, or soiled for anyone to accept you. If they ever knew what you were really like…” The lies replay in our minds until we can’t stand the torment, and so we look for something, anything that will offer us some measure of sanity or comfort, even if it’s something as sick and twisted as pornography, or destructive as an adulterous affair.

    Sex isn’t the answer. I remember well the shame I would always feel after having masturbated to porn, or how filthy I felt after having had sex with a prostitute, or the emptiness that came with promiscuity. Lust can never satisfy, nor can it heal the pain in your heart, in fact, it only makes it worse—you’ll be lonelier, emptier, more miserable, and more ashamed than before.

    Ultimately, sexual addiction is about the search for true love. True love sees all of our pain, ugliness, shame and scars, and isn’t scared away. True love has nothing to do with performance, or measuring up to someone’s standards. True love is pure, kind and gentle, undistorted by selfish motives, pride or greed. Because we’re all soiled with sin, true love can’t be found in another person.

    Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
    1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    Jesus Christ is the only one who offers you true love. His is a love that can’t be corrupted, bought or stolen; He doesn’t get turned off by our sin, shame and pain. He is real, and His love is powerful. I know, because I’ve experienced His touch and heard His gentle words of kindness. There’s nothing like hearing the living God whisper: “I love you, I cherish you, I know what you’ve done and it doesn’t scare me away. I died for you, and I’ve wept when you were hurt. Let me cleanse you and wash your shame away. Let me heal you.”

    Maybe you’re aching as you read this. “I’ve had enough of the lies and pain from living life my way. Tell me more.”

    For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost.
    Luke 19:10

    Jesus Christ came to earth 2000 years ago as a man to be killed by His creation—broken men and women—so He could be with us. Our sins are a wall between us and God; the Lord is holy, and sin and evil have no place in Heaven. In God’s Word we read that “the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). It is with death that pays the penalty of sin.

    Even though I’ve been a Christian for years, there are still days when I marvel at Jesus Christ. How could anyone love soiled, hurting people so much that He would allow those same people to kill Him? His love is too deep, wide, and alive for us to completely understand; like nothing we’ll ever experience on earth.

    Jesus Christ was shamed, stripped, scourged, and then nailed to a wooden cross, where He died. Three days later, He rose from the dead, paying the penalty of sin for all time.

    For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
    John 3:16

    You won’t find true love, peace, and healing for the hurt and scars in your heart from porn, an affair, masturbation, or sex. It’s not available from other men or women. The abundant life is only found from the Living God.

    I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.
    John 10:10

    “I’m ready; I’ve had enough of the lies. What do I do next?”

    But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name...
    John 1:12

    God is holding a free gift out to you right now; one that was very costly to Him.

    He wants all of you, and, like a jealous lover, He won’t share you with your old way of life. Read the following from the book of Acts:

    "This Jesus God raised up again, to which we are all witnesses. "Therefore having been exalted to the right hand of God, and having received from the Father the promise of the Holy Spirit, He has poured forth this which you both see and hear. "For it was not David who ascended into heaven, but he himself says: `THE LORD SAID TO MY LORD, "SIT AT MY RIGHT HAND, UNTIL I MAKE YOUR ENEMIES A FOOTSTOOL FOR YOUR FEET."' "Therefore let all the house of Israel know for certain that God has made Him both Lord and Christ--this Jesus whom you crucified." Now when they heard this, they were pierced to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, "Brethren, what shall we do?" Peter said to them, "Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. "For the promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off, as many as the Lord our God will call to Himself."
    Acts 2:32-39

    To “repent” is to turn away from sin. We don’t come to Christ expecting to have sex with prostitutes while calling Him Lord anymore than we would tell our wife–to–be we were going to commit adultery while married to her. This doesn’t mean that the struggle with sexual sin stops for all time (because we will continue to be tempted and in fact, the battle against sin intensifies after we receive Christ), but it does mean we’re turning away from the evil god of Lust and turning towards Jesus Christ, the new Lord of our life.

    That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved;
    Romans 10:9

    If you’re ready for the abundant life that Jesus Christ offers, and to turn away from sin, here’s what to do:

    1. Approach the Lord by focusing on Him. He’s here with you now, and He knows the true intentions of your heart. Don’t worry about trying to get the words right, just talk to Him as you would a good friend. Feel free to ask Him to help you with what you’re about to do.

    2. If you’re willing to turn to Christ and away from you sin, tell Him so.

    3. If you believe in your heart that Jesus Christ is the Son of God who died on the cross for all of your sins, tell him so.

    4. If you’re willing for Him to be the true Lord of your life, invite Him to take the throne of your heart and be your God.

    Now, you are God’s child. If you would like one of our staff to pray with you, please contact us at email@blazinggrace.org and we’ll get in touch with you; please remember to provide your phone number and the best time to reach you. I strongly suggest that you get plugged into a local church that teaches God’s Word immediately so you can be encouraged and continue to grow in the Lord. This is critical—please don’t try to go it alone.

    If you’ve made this commitment to the Lord, please email us so we can pray for you; we’ll also send you a Bible if you don’t have one.

    I also emailed him these before:
    These days, with the easy accessibility of porn on the Internet, it's been found to contribute to more divorces than ever before.
    In fact, while members of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers expected to get a little shut eye during the 2003 conference, (how exciting can a lawyer's seminar really get?) everyone was pleasantly (and some unpleasantly) surprised at the mention of online porn, which was relevant to the day since it was found to have contributed to more than half of the divorces that year!


    I am in total agreement with some women on here that porn is not acceptable in a marriage I cannot see where it belongs or how it benefits anyone except the guy jerking off to it!

    I can only go by what happened to me my husband started viewing porn behind my back because he knew I disapproved of it I had a young daughter in the house and I didn't see it fitting for her father to be ogling and fantasising/jerking off over blown up plastic people! It is a moral and values thing I have with it I just don't see how any marriage would want this in their life we are slowly becoming a nation obsessed with unatuaral images to boost our sex life what happened to good old fashioned values does no one have them anymore?
  6. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Well it sounds like you were honest and open with him in the beginning. Love and relationships are so important to us, and it's devastating when people connect socially, religiously, intellectually, and culturally, but not sexually.

    Have you any friends to stay with and talk with in your area? Or perhaps a spiritual adviser?

  7. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    We did connect sexually, always had a great sex life (in his opinion also)
  8. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    If he couldn't respect your feelings about the subject, then maybe he doesn't deserve you. I know it's so easy for me to say that, and I know what being in love is like.

    But, don't let him get to you, you don't deserve to die just because of what he has done. You know you can always drop me a PM if you want to chat ^_^

    Stay safe sweetie xx :hug:
  9. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun, i know how deep one hurts when trust is breached but what got me is this poem. As if it was an excuse for his behavior. If people still think this poem is true about love, they are on for a bad ride. Which planet does he live to think you'll overcome his doings? Reality sets in and this is what you get. Tell him to go see a shrink coz he has no clue as to what love is about in reality of facts.

    Hope you overcome this moment and look further in time wehre somoene will value you and will not brake again your trust in him. You have great value and deserve better.

    best of luck hun
  10. ~Tosh~

    ~Tosh~ Forum Buddy

    I know how you feel hun, im only 19 but now single mum to our daughter, he did exactly the same thing and made me feel the exact same way. :hug: im always around if you wanna chat.. keep safe hun.. :hug:

  11. Nicole_O91

    Nicole_O91 Active Member

    In a way, aren't you glad he isn't cheating? Porn is just an unreal fantasy, in a way, it's not too bad, that's as far as he's gone, thinking/looking, he's not actually cheated/betrayed you.
  12. Nihilist87

    Nihilist87 Member

    Maybe you could try watching porn together? ;)
  13. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Doesn't mean he desires you any less. Sometimes (For me, all the time) masturbation is a much easier, quicker, more relaxing way to get off.

    Respect that sometimes people will want to have sexual experiences alone, it does not mean he doesn't love you or think of you any differently.
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Titanic. Let's consider the two options that you have. You could either:

    1) Stay with him and put up with his poro addiction or

    2) Break up with him and try finding someone else.

    I think that you should stay with him and help him deal with his internet porn addiction. It appears that his porno addiction makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure, because you feel that you have to compete with the actresses that he fantasizes over. You really shouldn't feel this way, because this is his problem not yours. Most guys watch porno to some extent or another. It only becomes a problem when you neglect aspects of your real life, which he is doing (like your love life for example). I think you both should go to marriage counselling.

    Your other option is to break up with him. If you do this, then you'd be throwing away everything that you have invested in this relationship, over something as silly as internet porn. Help him overcome his porn addiction instead. Also, it may surprise you, but most guys watch porno. If you've ever gone to a strip club, there's always a porno showing on the tv sets. Porno is a guy thing and you have to deal with it. I think your husband should cut back on the time he spends on porno, but I doubt he will ever be able to quit.
  15. kote

    kote Account Closed

    this poem is from the bible I qorithians 13 i think............. :blink:
  16. Please, PLEASE Do NOT take this the wrong way, what he did was wrong with out a doubt!

    But something to remember is that porn Is an addiction. i should know. Is a very ... slithery thing too.

    Sounds very much to me like he has a problem if he can't stop doing it no matter the pain it causes you.
  17. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Thanks to all those with kind, supportive words. :smile:

    I certainly would not look at porn with him because I do not agree with it. My parner confessed that he found porn boring because their is no intimacy involved. He is under extreme stress and is ill at the moment. He beat this problem some years ago (about 7 years).

    I noticed there were a number of judgements made in this thread. I certainly do not wish to compete with porn stars, I am happy with myself. It said more about him than it did me. My partner is impotent (cannot get an erection) and has felt very inadequate about not being able to have intercourse with me (although we improvise and have both had a better sex life than with any other previous partner). I have told him that I have accepted him the way he is and am willing to sacrifice never being able to have penetrative sex should we get married in the future (we have been together 3 years) but he is still frightened of losing me. Another issue was trust, because I kept asking him if he had looked at porn, his stubborn side said well if she don't trust me what's the point etc but we have talked this through now.

    My partner and I have discussed this over the last few days and we are both more understanding. Its been a very complex issue (not as black and white as it might seem). He has said he would not look at porn again if I do not keep going on about it (that'll be hard) so we'll see what happens.
  18. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Has your partner tried viagra or cialis for his impotency? It's definitely worth a shot. Also, have you ever tried using a dildo for penetrative sex? I have a couple of rubber ones (one small and one large one) and they feel incredible. What I'm saying is that there are options. Sacrificing your sex life is a huge sacrifice to make, especially before getting married.
  19. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    LOL I read your post as if you were about to offer me use of your dildo *hilarious* Dave_N are you male or female?

    He cannot take medication including viagra because he has heart disease and is on medication because of a previous a heart attack.

    We do improvise LOL but not with sex aids because they are not neccesary. I did buy a vacurect but it has been unsuccessful. He smokes (has tried to give up) and is overweight (has tried diets) which doesn't help matters either but I love him the way he is, we have a very strong emotional bond and an unconditional love.
  20. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm a straight male, but I like fooling around with my sextoys. I wrote a thread about it in the sexual orientation forum, but it was deleted by the moderators for being 'innappropriate.' You should try it sometime. :smile:
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