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I feel like my worlds collapsed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by adobeslats, Jun 5, 2010.

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  1. adobeslats

    adobeslats New Member

    Lot to say I'll try not 2 be wordy 2 start but it is gonna be long. Basics- 21 yo college student in last year-ish of college in Texas, a few friends, never had a GF in real life, and just had an internet relationship end in a horrible way. I guess my trouble started w/ my parents being Christian lol, there's nothing wrong with most of the principles but the "uptightness" I guess I've never identified with. The real problem w/ that tho is I was homeschooled for a while and then sent to a Christian school up until 8th grade where I got along fine but wasn't good for social development.

    So I entered junior high not knowing anybody, and being generally socially awkward. I played basketball so I had "friends" there (how quickly I found out they weren't when I was cut in high school) and I did make some other in class friends, even some female friends but no one that I hung out with outside school outside from my neighbor (not a bad guy but a social outcast himself). Same story 1st 2 years of high school, got hung up bad on a girl who showed no interest other than as a class buddy. Guess my problem was I had no real niche, I could get along but not fit into any group and of course I was clueless with girls, and didn't help that I was a bit shallow, not that I didn't value personality but I overvalued looks.

    Finally got a group of friends to chill w/ outside class, had plenty of fun with them but we didn't really expand socially, it was just sports, video games, movies, not really interacting with other groups/females. Senior year I didn't have them in any of my classes and it was unbearable so found a way to graduate early despite my poor grades. As we progressed to college our little group hung out less and less and eventually it became just a duo who hangs out occasionally in summer and breaks, again all to ourselves.

    All those years of only talking to the same people and not interacting socially has left me almost completely handicapped in that area, being awkward, not knowing what to talk about or bring to the table in a conversation, and what's worse is having no desire to. I simply don't identify with most people anymore, part of it is being far from a hardcore democrat but somewhat left-leaning in a state full of conservatives. I don't harbor ill will towards them but like I said just don't identify.

    But I can't say a move would solve my problems, the underlying problem is a lack of passion and interests. I can talk about basketball plenty, but that's not nearly enough lol. I love music and movies, but struggle to form intelligent opinions about them, usually just come up with lame sh.t like "it was OK/good" I could improve in that area but I'd still be far away from being a good conversationalist with the majority of people.

    Anyway, I had just about settled into being a loner/loser for life and being OK with it, and then I met a girl in a chat room and we started talking on skype in February. She was from England, divorced with 2 kids, so not really a perfect situation, her ex was a major dick so it left her with some personal problems. But we got along really well, and made plans to meet eventually, even got to using the L word and saying we and it was the happiest times of my life.

    We had a lot of trouble tho because of her problems and my stupidity not having been in a relationship b4, and I found a lot of selfish bad qualities surfaced and I'm going to try to change those. She tried 2 leave me several times for various reasons, I screwed up a couple times, she thought I could do better, she needed a break to figure it out when her F buddy came back from work, but she always came back pretty quick.

    The last time we had been back 2gether for a few days and then she told me to F off seemingly out of nowhere, I won't go into details now but it took me by shock, and now I've lost her not only as a lover but worse as a friend seemingly 4 good. She could still come back possibly, but I need to prepare 4 the worst. She was really helping me out with life and now I just don't know how I'm gonna ever change and become a person I want 2 be.

    If anyone's read this and stayed awake I could really use a friend tonight 2 talk about this more, thanks.
  2. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry its took so long for someone to reply to you but ill try my best to help in anyway i can. At the end of the day it sounds like the people who you see as friends arent really your friends at all. Dont give up on making friends though as i know that being lonely is the single worst feeling anyone can feel.

    It sounds like youve been hurt by your ex big time and i feel for you but listen the reason your so hurt is the fact that as you stated it was your first ever relationship. People will always hurt you in one shape or another until you find the right person who accepts you for who you are. No matter what anyone says never change yourself just to please someone else. if they cant love you for who you are then they dont love you.

    I would tell you to send me a PM if you ever need someone to talk to but i cant at the minute but im always on MSN if you need to talk. Whatever you do never give up hope. There really is someone for everyone and i truly believe that
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can relate to you on socializing, I am terrible at it as well. I am trying to go out and learn,it is very taxing. However, like anything practice makes perfect. I need to get to the point where when I go out I do not cower in fear. I am also working on faking being happy again another terribly difficult task. However, I need to do something.

    As for your situation with your lady friend. I can relate a lot. Lets just say I fucked up the relationship and lost her. It is eating me up. I would love to hear your story if you are willing to tell it. We can share compare hopefully move on.

    If You are still wanting a friend PM me. I always reply to my PMs. I know the hurt you are going through.
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