The past few days I'm not feeling well. I've been thinking about a lot of things, I feel indifferent. I just feel like venting, I just want someone, at least one person to listen to my point of view and know what I've been going through. I don't feel like my parents are interested, they'd probably call me oversensitive, or some other excuse or rude remark, they always got plenty of those. My brother is rather jerky so I'm not planning on telling him anything either. Other than that, I got nobody. Anyway... my rather problematic life kind of started back at elementary school, I was always the misfit of my class, basically the entire school I would say and I did some... weird stuff like fluttering with my hands, living in my own fantasy world while not caring about the rest. There's more but I don't like to think about that, it brings back the awful memories. As you may or may not expect, I was rather introvert, never had or even bothered with friends. I was too scared and didn't deem it worth my time. I always thought I never needed those anyway, I'm happier when I'm alone. Never was a very good pupil either. I couldn't really pay attention in class because I like daydreaming too much and my marks were always mediocre at best even though I did study a lot. My teacher in my final year became a bit of a turning point though. She, my other previous teachers and basically the entire school never liked my excentric behavior. Without any foreshadowing, that one evening, my teacher called and she insisted on letting me test in a autism centre. We did so, as she really insisted and she gave me a day off which I thought was great, blissfully unaware of what was going in. I remember so little about that building, all I remember was how huge it was, how these professor-like people were talking to me and that playhouse... I would love to visit that place again, just for sick nostalgic reasons. After the first test on the first day, my parents decided to cancel the diagnosis as they were convinced there was nothing wrong with me and it was just a waste of time. Other than that they became pretty vague about it and it sort of became a taboo. I don't think there was talk about that event ever since... This is going to get a little confusing but I'll just use abbrevations without explaining the meaning, the context should make everything clear though. My parents decided me to let me go to the ASO (which is considered the most difficult form of middle/high school), after all one can try. My teacher in the final year at elementary school never was a fan of that idea. She had absolutely no hope in my succeeding and would rather send me to a special school, a school for those with mental and learning problems. She was convinced that was my place. In the end that idea got scratched as it was still my parents their call and they obviously didn't like that idea. After all, which parents like the sound of that? To this day I still wonder what the deal was with that teacher. Was she trying to screw me over or did she actually want to help me? She always was a bit of an unlikeable teacher for most pupils but an unlikeable teacher is not necessarily an unreasonable one. Sadly I couldn't really keep up in the ASO even though I had goodwill and a lot of my time was spent on studying. It just takes so long for me to learn something by heart and paying attention in class is not easy for me because I for some reason get distracted and bored so quickly, my head then becomes kind of cloudy and I just daydream. The teachers did try to help me out as they knew it wasn't laziness that was making things difficult. Even with all these things, my winter exams were awful, I only passed for 3 out of 14 subjects. It was highly recommended I switch to another school as they were rather doubtful of me making it this year. With all their reluctance my parents agreed and decided to bring me to a, I don't like this word and I hate to say it like this, "lower" form, in this case called TSO. Even though it went better I still was a mediocre pupil. I had to work hard to make it through, harder than the average pupil. At the end of the school year the teachers made my parents make a difficult choice. I may pass, but only if I went to an even "lower" form of school, the lowest one which is in this case BSO. If they refused, I'd have to redo my year. They recommended me to do BSO though, considering how the first year was anything but easy for me, they expected me to struggle in the next 6 years. With even more reluctance my parents decided me to send me to BSO. I always got the feeling that wounded their heart. Here's also where this brother of mine comes in. He deems it necessary to ridicule me whenever he got the chance, he sees me as an inferior human being just because I'm a pupil of a BSO school. He was not the only one ridiculing me either. Most of my family came across as rather condescending. My family only consists of people who are still studying or already got their university degree. They are pretentious and elitists, all of them are rather succesful. I could see it in their eyes in family meeting when they knew about me and on what school I was. Their eyes were full of mockery and contempt. Some even laughed right in my face, usually the younger members of the family but it hurts nonetheless. My brother is pretty much my antithesis. always been a very good student, graduated from university (he studied rights) and never had any problems passing. He has always been a sort of rival. He always liked to mock me, laugh at me, irritate me, you know, being a condescending prick... telling my parents had no effect whatsoever since he'll still do it behind their back and when the four of us were together, I was barely worthy of his look. Telling my parents about this situation hasn't helped either, they tell me to stop nagging. I'm completely helpless against my brother. I can never win a verbal discussion and an actual fight is something I shouldn't even bother considering, not that I would actually do that, I don't think I'm the fighting type. He still says horrible stuff to me like calling me dumb, nobody takes me seriously, I'm not worth anyone's time... The thing is, he could be right, he seems better than me at pretty much everything. He always was a very good student, I can only dream of getting such marks, his strong points are obvious, he has a lot of friends, even a girlfriend, he's succesful at pretty muche everything he does, just like the rest of the family. I like to think I have some qualities too but he's always one step ahead, he completely overshadows me. Compared to him, I'm nothing. And that hurts, because I have this odd tendency in wanting to be admired... Luckily in BSO (I studied car mechanics) I passed every year, not without effort though, sometimes it was rather close and I always had to work harder than the average pupil. Like in elementary school I was considered the oddball of the bunch. However very few pupils wanted to pick on me. I don't know why because I was such an easy target. I would be lying if I said they did nothing to me, but the most they did was irritating me with stupid remarks. But actual bullying, no, I don't think so. I generally was left alone. I liked it that way. Doesn't mean I liked going to school, but I always wondered who did? I just want to make clear I ironically might sound a little biased and condescending myself to BSO but that's not true. I actually think I'm someone who would accept anyone and see the good in every person no matter what. Maybe except for extremes like mass murderers, I'd have my doubts but rejecting somebody without putting any thought to it? I wouldn't do that (I think). After finishing high school, I decided to continue studying as I had the feeling I would never get the acknowledgement or acceptance I longed for and that life would become more difficult for me. I decided to study linguistics, since my one and only hobby is literature and it seemed like the most interesting. Of course everybody thought I was nuts and everybody was convinced it would be too hard for you. I was a fool and was too stubborn to listen to them. I had to do it, I wanted to prove I'm not useless or replaceable. If I didn't take this chance I would regret it and it would haunt me for the rest of my life. As expected by most, the first year was a complete disaster. Didn't pass for any subject at all. I still wanted to try again, hoping it would become better this time around. The second time was a fiasco too, didn't pass for any subject. Sadly my stubbornness has put me in a tough situations, because of the system with learning credits or whatever it is, I cannot start an education without complications right now. Luckily not everything was completely horrible and the professor who teached narratology and speech contacted me by mail not so long after the very first exam in June and wished to discuss matters privately. After all she knew me and realized there was more to me than just supposed laziness. For the first time in a long while, if ever, I started talking about myself so she could have a better idea of what kind of person I am because she had her doubts about the exams. As expected, I didn't pass for any subject and she decide to refer me to the student administration centre for further help. And so I did. After a long talk with the specialist, it became clear that I can still try again, however this time I have to pass for all subjects. She also asked this incredibly annoying question if I was diagnosed with autism, I of course thought "not this again..." She couldn't stop talking about it and wanted me to take the test, I really felt like shouting shut up, it doesn't help, whether I'm autistic or not does nothing to me or my problems. After that long talk she decided to refer me to an psychologist to discuss this, my current situation, my study method and my choice. The thing is though, I have to wait until the 9th of August... I think that's about it concerning my past. Maybe I should be more grateful I'm not left helpless like a little puppy, but still, I don't expect an unbiased choice since if they convince me to continue studying it means more money in their pockets. I'd rather talk to an independent psychologist but I can't... I don't have the money. I can't ask my parents, they'd consider me crazy and it would be even more flamebait for that awful brother of mine. Reminds me of that other thing, if I have to take that autism diagnosis, I'm guessing I'll have to bring my parents. I can't do that. I don't trust them enough for that and if I did that I would never be able to look straight in their eyes again and so wouldn't they, the humilation would be too much for me to bear, not to mention that brother of mine, even more flamebait. There's also this slight possibility of the psychologist being in it for the money but that's the least of my worries. Even though it's nice to have a lead, hopefully one that could get somebody on my side, it's still taking way too long and I'm getting really impatient. The insecurity and my complete lack of identity are eating me inside. What if they can't help me? What if I'm just setting myself up for a major disappointing? Who am I really? I just can't seem to enjoy life anymore. All I can do is lay on my bed, waiting for meal, dinner and finally the time to go to bed. I can't even practice my hobby (reading), after 5 minutes I already give up because the problems keep returning in my head. I right now have 3 choices when it comes to studying: Either I try university and do what I like to do, however the chance of me passing for all subjects is almost non-existent. Or I try college (I'll call it college) and do something I probably won't like but with a higher chance of making it. However my family would still laugh at me and it would follow me for the rest of my life. Or I'll look for a job and forget about it, but my family will laugh at me even more making my life even more miserable and with only a high school degree I'm not so sure if I'll find suitable work. I don't see how I should stay hopeful in this situation... this is a battle I just can't win... I have done a lot of thinking recently... I have so many unanswered questions. I get the feeling I don't know myself well at all. Is it even possible for me to pass for all subjects? Why is everybody so succesful and happy yet I'm just a waste of space? What is wisdom, how do you obtain true wisdom? What is happiness, have I ever known that in the first place? Will I ever know true love? Am I really replaceable, just another puppet of society? What about my self-confidence, is it even possible to recover that? Is there any hope for me? Who am I really? I hate this... I don't know what to do. I don't want to be replaceable but I want to be admired. But I got nothing that makes me stand out, no ambition, no motivations, no self-confidence, no nothing. Somebody could kill me tomorrow and nobody would care all that much. I'm just nobody, I'm someone with no identity, I only have shortcomings, I can't even look in the mirror, when I do I see an ugly, lonely creature that shouldn't even exist in the first place. I know I'm still young, I'm not even 20 years old, perhaps I need to man up. But it's so hard. I got nobody to care for, nobody on my side and the world going against and I have partially myself to blame. It's a horrible feeling. I believe that's about it. That felt great. If you actually read all of this, I thank you. I thank you for hearing me out.