Well, I feel like shit lately, not just mentally but physically too. I'm very self-concious about my eyes, I have this lazy eye and it's making me insecure. I can talk to people and everything, but with strangers or people I see once in a couple of years it becomes a problem. I can't find a girl cause of that neither. I smoke about a pack or two a day, I drink a lot (not an alcoholic but on a good way to get there). Ohh, I'm 17 by the way. During this summer break, I've been drinking like every second or third day, coming home wasted every time. My mom said that she won't pay me for my drivers exam cause I drink too much, that I'll probably hurt myself or someone if I get a license. Recently I met a girl that I instantly liked, she seemed perfect, we had a lot in common, we could talk about anything without feeling weird about it. But that was just during the work. Although she lives close to my house, we haven't seen each other after that (month and a half). Today I went with friends to one place, and she was there. I was like, nice, finally we met again. But she knew two of my friends and she was with a friend. Four of them started talking and I just felt like an outcast among them. So, I just went and sat on a bench where all our stuff was and I ordered a couple of beers to calm myself down. After a while, they came and the girl I liked came and asked me "Drinking beer, eh?". I was there sitting like a last bum, having empty beer bottles around me and having one in my hand, half empty. I just respond "Yeah...". It was 104°F and there I was, in the middle of the day half drunk looking like an alcoholic. I made a great impression, haven't I? Yeah... Then I went to talk with couple of friends of mine and I started talking a bunch of unrelated stuff, having my "crazy" ideas and shit. A friend of mine laughed and said, dude you need to get your shit together. I mean, if you were taking drugs I would understand... but all you do is drink and smoke like a chimney. Drinking is fucking up you brain man, get a girlfriend for fucks sake, you need one to get your shit in order... So, after being betrayed by two of my friends cause they were flirting with the girl I liked, I just sat there and felt like shit. Later two of those "friends" went "home". At least that's what they said. I went home soon after them, and I saw them with that girl I liked in a bar. I was like, WTF? That girl and I planned to go like 5 times on a coffee and she kept delaying it for some IRL problems. And now she just went with them... I've been a fucking emotional wreck for weeks cause of that and looks like she doesn't even care. I never told her I liked her but I was giving her signs. After she told me her previous relationship, I feel like I'm the only person that actually likes her as a person, not just cause of her body. Later this day, a friends of mine said that I was anti-social, which is partially true. He said that I need to get my shit together, change my friends, and start acting normal. I feel that I should do the same thing, felt like that for months. I really need a change, but whenever I try to quit smoking/drinking, some of my friends call me and ask "You up for a beer or two?" "Wanna go for a quick cigarette?" and shit like that. It's really killing me, I wish I could finally feel like me again, to be that calm smart person and not a complete screw up as I am now. I mean, I talk a shitload of crap 24/7, without any sense. I act like a fucking drug junkie, always nervous and wired up. I wish I could go back in 7th grade and stay that same geeky person instead of becoming this "cool" person. I mean, 6th/7th grade, I had more balls to do some stuff than I have now. At least then I had guts to get in a fight and fight for myself, to ask a girl out and shit like that... I turned into a hater who just despite the whole world, when I'm alone I'm miserable, when I'm with people I just want to get rid of them as soon as possible and be alone again. It's like a closed circuit... I made a fool of myself infront of her. I was so pissed off that I kept ignoring her the whole day, I looked like an alcoholic... :/ I feel like killing myself for that... Please, can you help me out, I need an advice. I don't want to go on a therapy or something like that, I don't want to do it, they'll just put me on pills, it's their ultimate solution to everything.