I feel like so much is collapsing..

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by SarahB, Oct 10, 2010.

  1. SarahB

    SarahB Well-Known Member

    I've never done anything like this before openly.. I'm sorry if I made this so long.. I'm holding a lot inside, but I just want to get this all out so it may help people understand

    I've been talking to a few close friends, but I had the urge to go to a forum or something to just talk about what I'm going through, and maybe get some more support.. I'm not sure exactly where this belongs, but my friend said in this sub forum.. If this shouldn't be here feel free to move it..

    Well, my story is, ever since I was a bit younger, I had always been pretty sickly. No doctor could figure out what I had, so they had just always said it was in my head. After awhile, with my condition deteriorating, I was at the point where I did want to die. But then I met someone, a man, he wasn't that much older than me, who would become a very close friend to me. This was online, but I never think online things are that different, people can still be themselves. This man though, he really helped me. He made me so happy, and we grew so close, I didn't feel those thoughts of wanting to die anymore.

    After awhile of being together, we got closer, and had this relationship type things going on.. He said he loved me, and I did love him in return. I felt so happy to have him. We were together like this for quiet sometime, and even when he went to go visit this other online girl.. he still called me every night.
    Things were going good for a long time.. But then, suddenly it stopped.. and my memory is a bit foggy, so I don't remember a lot of it.. And from that point on, I always wondered what happened.. We still remained good friends though. Then I had finally asked him what had happened. He said something about not really loving me then, and that it would never happen. I was hurt, but we cleared things up, and he admitted he did it because he wanted me to be my own person. He still loved me.

    A few more months after this, around Christmas, he admitted to loving me again. But this time I know he meant it. We promised he wouldn't say it unless he really, really meant it this time. I was happy to have him back again. He really is a sweet guy. I had always felt like was destined to meet him, you know? Like a soulmate.. I felt like we'd be together forever, and he felt the same way too. We had everything in common.. Even really obscure things, and I felt like he was my other half. A couple of months of loving, and he told me he really wanted to date me, and then we moved into a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I was truly happy, and felt like after everything bad that had happened to me, this was finally my happy thing in life. We'd talk over Skype everyday, hang out, watch movies and TV, play games, or just talk. I loved every second of it, and I know he did too, I could tell. We'd talk about him getting a job here, and moving, and visiting.. And he really wanted to. Everything was going well for the next several months, we were both happy and deeply in love.

    But then.. something happened that I think ruined it. The girl that I had mentioned earlier.. She got jealous of us being together, because she loved him too, but he said he didn't return the feelings. So she did something... She accused him of being a pedophile. I was underage at the time, but I was soon to be 18. He never did anything that sexual to me, and my parents were fine with us being together. But because of her jealousy and hate, she wanted to get him in trouble. Legal trouble. He talked to a few people including me, and we said it'd be best if he ended that friendship.. All along I knew it was taking a toll on him, as whenever he'd have to deal with her, he'd be really depressed.

    When he was going to end it.. Something I couldn't believe happened. He broke up with me. The reason? He told me the love was all a lie. That he never loved me. It broke my heart. To think that all of that, all of the happiness and such.. was fake. But I didn't believe it. It just didn't add up. He even said he didn't want to end it. There were so many conflicting things.. It really messed my mind up. I know it couldn't have been a lie, because I could have told if he was faking through his voice. Through everything he did. He even said after that I was the best girlfriend he ever had, and he cherished the relationship.

    Then you know what happens next? Turns out he didn't end the friendship with that girl. He told me she said sorry. And you wanna bet what the reason was? Because he ended his relationship with me. It's common sense, right? If he had stayed with me she would have been jealous and mad still. It's just too big of a coincidence. He told me he had to prove to this girl he still could be her friend. I couldn't believe it. He didn't do anything wrong! If she was a real friend, she would have respected his relationship. But no, and now he has to prove himself? He wasn't in the wrong at all, it was her. I was baffled as to why he forgave her. Maybe to try to save a friendship that he cherished in the past?

    It was hard for me.. But I put up with it, and a few months past. We got really close again.. And well, intimately close, if you know what I mean? Closer than just close friends. I had a bit of hope maybe it was like before, and he just wanted to give me time..

    Two days ago.. He decided to break our friendship off. He felt bad because for awhile he felt like he was the cause of some of the depression I had. So he said as the last act as my friend, he'd cut off ties so I could focus on me and get better. I felt so heartbroken. I didn't want to say goodbye to this man I still loved, who still was so important to me. So we talked and he said he'd stay if I got better..

    But then, just a few hours ago.. He told me he was in a relationship.. With that girl that wronged him before. I was crushed. I felt like he was kicking me when I was down. And along with that, he still said out relationship wasn't real, AND that I forced him to be with me. That made me feel even worse yet. He said so many untrue things that just crushed me.. And he said that he was going to go visit her near the end of this month. When he never came to visit me in our months of love.. And he's already visiting this girl again only about a few weeks into the relationship? That really hurt too.. because he promised to take me to my prom.. and now he said he won't.. What else even? In that month he said he and her were going out, that I wasn't aware of, he still did intimate things with me.. I'm legal now, so I'll be honest.. I sent him things. We still did really intimate things, that you wouldn't think a man in a relationship would do with someone else. Which doesn't feel right to me if he did that.. Maybe as if he's not fully into this new relationship.

    It shattered me, it really did. To think that he'd do this to a girl who loved him so much, to go with a girl that was so bad to him. You want to know more about this girl? Honestly? Well, let me say a bit. She's terrible. She mocks his likes, does a lot behind his back I'm not sure if he knows. She tells his secrets around, talks shit about him. Plus she hates my guts still, stole money from me, when he dumbly enough trusts her to keep private things about me, she tells them around. She also tries to sabotage when me and him try to hang out, by making up problems he needs to deal with. She's pretending to like things he does to get to him, and sadly I think he's falling for it. She's putting on an act to win him over. She's one of the biggest hypocrites I have ever seen, and now that she has him, she'd gloating at me. A real nice girl, am I right? Plus, he told her about my suicidal problems, and I can't believe he did, after all she's done to me, and spread my info around before.. I'm afraid that she'll tell more people who will use it against me.

    He told me we could still be friends, and apparently he still really cares about me and loves me as a friend.. but for this month he won't talk to me normally, and part of me feels like it's to just be with her. The way he did things makes me feel like he doesn't care as much as he says.. He said we could still do the sexual things too, which just makes me raise an eyebrow at. I don't know what to think anymore. Is he even set on being with her? It's really making me all paranoid.. And honestly, I am worn down.. I may be over reacting over a guy.. But he was so important to me, and I just feel back stabbed. I really feel like ending everything, because I don't want to deal with the fear and bad things that always seem to happen to me in the end.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry but this ass of a guy is a weak sick bastard and you need to get as far away from him as possible and get on with living. You need to find someone that truly cares about you and will never hurt you like that. He made his choice now don't stick around okay get out meet new friends new everything get away start living again
    He is a user and will always be a user
  3. SarahB

    SarahB Well-Known Member

    I know that I have to be more of my own person and get on with my life, and better myself.. It's just so hard for me to do. I honestly don't want to say goodbye to him, after all we went through.. Even if he says it was a lie, I won't believe him. If I lose him, it just kinda feels like I'm losing a half of myself. I'm so confused and my mind isn't working right.. It may be because this all just happened.. I'm constantly switching between hate, sadness, hopelessness, paranoia.. so many emotions.. And I haven't slept or eaten in these days.

    I feel like this is all a nightmare and not real, because for the longest I had nightmares of him betraying me and going with her.. Part of me feels like if I end everything I will wake up.

    I'm not sure what I should do.. I still love him.. He says he wants to have an intimate relationship with me, but not date me.. He has hurt me, he's possibly used me, but at the same time he's really given me a lot of happiness over time.. He says he cares.. I'm so confused

    I really wonder if she changed him back then...

    Thank you, I really appreciate your input, it means a lot