I feel like the worst person in the world...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AR1234, Sep 19, 2015.

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  1. AR1234

    AR1234 New Member

    This is quite a sad story and the realisation of what I have done has hit me hard. I don't think there is anything anyone can say or do to change things but I want to get it all off my chest... There is no way back that I can see.

    (I have tried writing this twice now and it was just too long to read, so here's the condensed version I guess...)

    Basically I had the best upbringing and education, provided to me by loving parents. I was a polite, confident, clever, caring person and after university, with great grades behind me, I was ready to take on the world. Then I made a mistake. This was ten years ago and I am now 32. At that time, before i'd given my next path in life much thought, I followed a friend to go live in a city with no job lined up for when I got there, in quite a run down area where partying and drinking and taking drugs was rife. I got a job in an office and bounced around various jobs over the years but never really used my good education and got very, very into the party scene, drinking, taking drugs and generally clowning around. This went on for a very long time and within 7 years i'd had 4 very severe depressive episodes. At the time I thought they were down to things happening around me at the time, or maybe it was inbuilt as there is a history of mental illness in my family, but looking back now I know it was the lifestyle I was living, something was telling me it was wrong. I was a middle class guy from a good home with a good background and education and whilst everyone where I was living was a good person, there was a bit of a dark side and I didn't really fit in properly there. Strange that I actually got a reputation as being one of the biggest party animals around...

    All I really wanted to do was leave and go abroad, but with no good reason to do this, i.e., a good job to go with or to, this wouldn't have gone down well with my parents and so I just existed there, not really getting into anything too seriously as I didn't want to set roots down and stay there but not really having any kind of plan.

    I did have a couple of great relationships and recently started a photography business, which brings me to more recent times. I decided I needed to get real and try and get some better money coming in doing something that I could potentially travel around with. I started a photography and videography company with some friends and low and behold we got some really well paid jobs that took us all around the country. But it wasn't bringing in jobs often enough and I was subsidising it by working in a bar and labouring. I was working so much but still stupidly managing to party (thats what happens when you work in a bar) and I burnt myself out and started to slip into depression and anxiety around December last year. I tried to catch and counter it with exercise but it got a lot worse very quickly.

    Then things got a lot worse. I slipped quite badly over the months and it got to March of this year. I went on a family holiday with my mum and dad. They didn't know I was feeling depressed but things had got pretty bad. I didn't want to spoil the holiday though, or put them through unnecessary worry, as they'd worried about my depressive episodes in the past and I figured if I could get through it then they wouldn't have to know or worry. Whilst we were on that holiday Dad caught a rare infection and died. It was the worst thing imaginable. To go through that at any time is horrendous but we were on holiday, it happened so fast and I was already very depressed. The things that needed to happen after that was intense. To get the family home and everything sorted out there was crazy. My phone never stopped ringing. All the time I was thinking I cannot believe I was suffering from depression before this eve happened. That sounds selfish, but I don't mean it like that. It was a terrible time though...

    Mum and I (I am an only child) got back to the UK and did what we could to help us deal with what had happened but I was slipping more and fast. I held it together and supported Mum for as long as I could until it got to the point where I had to tell Mum that I wasn't just grieving but had been depressed for some time before. I didn't want to tell her as it didn't help her grief but I had got very bad. Back in the city the photography work had pretty much dried up and I became too ill to work in the bar or labouring environment and also had to obviously get out of the party scene, which was my house basically due to the people I lived with. I suddenly felt so ashamed at how I had been living for so long. I also got so ill that socialising even with my closest friends became difficult. So to get away from overly social situations and parties that were keeping me up at night as I hid in my room I made another bad decision and moved into a cheap bedsit on my own. Basically one little room with a bed, oven, wardrobe, etc. It was very depressing. I began thinking about all the people I went to school with who did not choose to throw away their opportunities and used their education. They're all doing very well. Good jobs, kids, marriage. Not living depressed in a dingy bedsit at 32, single, detached and with no income. This is when the suicidal thoughts really kicked in. I'd throw myself on the floor, hold knives to my wrists but with no real intention, punch myself in the face and just generally act pretty crazy on my own. With no job I spent all my time in bed, whilst everyone else was at work, getting up just to chain smoke and eat a take away in the evening. Things were getting really desperate and I was in contact with Mum (but not telling her anywhere near how bad I was) and it was decided that since I had no work on and living on my own was having detrimental effects (plus I couldn't afford it) I should move back home to try and get some clarity.

    So here I am. I'm 32 and living back home with Mum, no job and severely depressed. Dad has gone and I feel that he never saw me grow into the man I was supposed to. Another thing to add to the list is that years ago I had to go to see a specialist as it turned out my heart was not beating properly. It turns out I have arrhythmia, an irregular heartbeat, which i'm sure was brought on by the lifestyle I was leading. Partying for days without sleep is not good for the body. The doctor at the time said it wasn't too much of an issue unless it gets worse but now i'm thinking can I even have kids without the danger of passing on a self inflicted heart condition. Plus how could I even let this happen in the first place. AND if all that wasn't bad enough, i've developed pretty intense tinnitus over the past few months. Whilst on my own recently I have been screaming at myself about what i've done and tensing all my muscles from the neck up so much that I think I managed to slightly pop my ear drums. Trying to be social and get on with things i've been to a few music events with friends and family over the past months and even though they weren't that loud I was quite surprised to find my ears ringing after and it hasn't stopped. It has got very bad and is with me all the time. I got stressed out the other day and had another bit of a freak out, cursing and screwing up all the muscles in my head and neck as hard as I could again and it seemed to make it worse. I think i've really damaged my ears. A loud high pitched ringing is always there and will only get worse if i'm around loud noise.

    So there it is... I'm 32, with a great start in life but got into the wrong scene, got into too much partying, went from job to job and have no real structure to my work experience or know what to do next, i'm back at home, have debts to pay from living beyond my means in the city, feel like i've let my family down and have given myself a bad heart and constant ringing in my ears. I have also pushed away the advances of some amazing girls over the years, one in particular at the end of last year when this depression started to kick in. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I really was a good person once. I used to get commended often at how polite and good natured I was. I think I just made such a mistake moving to the city and not thinking it through properly and I got lost, didn't know what to do next, but yet never wanted to give myself cause to stay there for any length of time, hence not committing to anything. It's really bizarre. I've become obsessed with the time I made that decision to follow my friend and move to the city and wish i'd made a different choice of my own. I think about it when I'm falling asleep, when I wake up and throughout the day. I have already started writing my suicide note but then I know I cannot put Mum through that. I really think I must be the most depressed person on the planet. I feel like i've irreversibly broken myself, mentally and physically and so kind of already feel like i'm not here anymore. I feel like dying sometime soon is inevitable but can't do it because I don't want to put Mum through it. The only reason i'm still here is Mum but what good is a son to a mother when he's just a depressed ghost?

    Does anyone else ever feel like they've passed the point of no return? With this ringing in my ears like an alarm, it feels like something, somewhere is saying enough is enough. You've broken it and will have to check out at some point. I find it so hard to function with that outlook...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There is no such thing of a point of no return that is just depression talking Many people have taken wrong paths in their lives only to have fought back hard and found the right path. You are still young you can take more education get updated in your skills and start applying what you have learned If you have addiction problem get that looked after first You can still be who you wanted to be but clean up first ok and get some therapy or meds for your depression You can still get on a different path your choice though if you want it bad enough you can
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There are tons of people theta have not settled into an actual career / life at 32. Many, unlike you, do not have the benefit of a decent education and work experience. All you need to do is realize it is time to stop partying and choose a path as a real adult that suits you. My best friend started over completely from nothing at about that age and in 3 years went from nothing ot higher wages and career than could have ever manged in the field and path she thought was supposed to be on before things got messed up and had to "start over".

    I spent 12 years in one career and dropped it , got divorced and started completely over at roughly the same age and went much further then ever imagined possible. So far as passing on a condition acquired through lifestyle like irregular heartbeat- nope- if it is not a genetic issue and just caused by drugs and stuff is impossible. Tinnitus and minor heart issues are inconveniences but not going to stop your life- only you are letting life get the best of you- and you can stop that as soon as you decide to get help for the depression, This might be a good step joining here. Welcome to SF and I hope you can get started on feeling better and making the life you want.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Just want to say I read your post and can sympathize but it's never too late....for anything!!! You are alive and here even with medical problems you can get back on track. I'm 26 and only going to college now, I wish I had done it earlier like you did. You still have your education. I think therapy might be of great benefit to you. I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to your dad, that is horrendous. Please get therapy and see your doctor, they can help you get out of this rut and you can be the person you want to be for you and your mum. Good luck!
  5. AR1234

    AR1234 New Member

    Thank you all for your replies. It did give me a bit of a boost and I will work hard to do the right things and get back on track again.

    I got in with the wrong crowd you could say but I do know that my actions were my own. I was no way addicted to drink or drugs but the crowd I got involved with were insatiable when it came to partying. And I became that way too. I have got out of that scene as I think it is best. I sound like quite a bad person for the things I have done but the thing is, I really am not, and so surprised when I think back on the things I have done. Ashamed is the word.

    Thank you again though, i'm going to get this thing turned around!!!

    I hope everyone else is feeling good and thank you for replying and introducing me to this site.

    I myself am a very good listener and have helped friends in the past should anyone ever need a good ol' chat about life or their situation.

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