I feel like the worst social phobic in the world!

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Black31, Apr 12, 2009.

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  1. Black31

    Black31 Active Member

    Cos I certainly feel like it. I'm sat here crying and in a real state. I absolutely loathe living with social phobia, it's ruined my life. I'm 32 now. I've always been shy and naturally wary at school but it seemed to get worse at school and because I wasn't an academic I'd go to extreme lengths to cover up. Eg: sit at the back of class keeping my head down. I've always felt very wary of people, teachers and other students, like a feeling of being unsafe with them all the time. I'd worry about having friends and do my best to please them, but not myself. I was basically terrified of being alone in a school, having no friends and being bullied. Through my whole school life I've sat in fear of all these things happening and not taking any risks at all. When I was 14yrs old I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and became clinically depressed cos I just couldn't accept it. To this day now, I still suffer from depression everyday. Since the trauma of getting Crohn's my social anxiety hit the roof big time, it's been so extreme for years. I've never officially worked as my nerves with people have been so extreme. I quit college after a few months cos I was extremely anxious there and sweated buckets. Since around 19yrs old I've done a few, very part time computer courses and struggled in each and every one! The last 6 yrs I've just done a bit of dog walking and dog sitting jobs. I had to give up the dog sitting job tho cos I felt too anxious on my own in a different house. I just couldn't take the anxiety anymore. I'm very sensitive to my surroundings and only feel very relaxed being at home, with the family. Anyway back to people, I've had a few friends in my 20's who have come and gone but everytime I've been with them there's been anxiety. I seem to go into this set mode, just like getting into a car and knowing exactly how to drive. I can't stop these thoughts I'm thinking such as "I must'nt offend people or they won't like me," "I can't trust people," "I can't reveal the real me or they won't like me and dump me," "I feel unsafe with them, they aren't my family, they don't really care for me like them." I've recently had CBT therapy over the phone but my social phobia only improved a bit really. Well it certainly helped with my extreme men phobia. I'm especially more scared of men as I've witnessed boys at school be unkind to people and I've seen some male therapists that have been blunt and unkind. I was extremely phobic over wanting/dealing with getting a boyfriend. I'd be terrified all day for several days in a row, not being able to sleep or eat, being constantly worried. It's all so stupid I know! I was just terrified of being negatively judged and not wanting a fella to see just how bad my probs are. I've actually got a boyfriend now who I've been seeing the last 6 mths. It's been very difficult to trust him but I'm pleased I don't feel terrified with him anymore! What I mean is not being able to sleep/eat etc. The dreaded social anxiety is still there with him but to a more moderate extent, not severe. I still feel anxious with him and am scared of confiding in him and telling him how bad I feel etc. My b/f seems clueless to how I feel and how bad I get, I don't find him easy to talk to about my probs and he doesn't give much feedback. He is caring though and reliable and supportive but I just wish I was relaxed with him and could really enjoy our relationship. It's getting to the point where I want to finish with him cos Im getting too stressed out! I get so stressed with people/boyfriend that after meeting them I go home drained and very depressed. The last year has been very difficult for me exposing myself to men and has set off alot of anxiety attacks. I wish I wasn't like this and could trust and be safe with people. I can't stand it anymore! Suicide seems to be the only option to rid myself of all these fears.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You seem to be a really strong person, and there is so much in your post that is positive.

    1, You have taken the step of getting professional help.
    2, That professional help did help in some way.
    3, You have conquered a fear and have a boyfriend.
    4, You are still fighting.

    There are more positive things in there, those are just the ones that jump out to me.

    Well done for seeking professional help. It's good that the CBT helped you in some way. It may not have helped as much as you had hoped, or in all the areas you wanted, however, any improvement is really positive and important to acknowledge. Often it's a case of doing lots of therapies and taking something different from each one. Do you think the CBT might help if you did it in person? Or maybe via a self help book? Or maybe a different type of therapy? Have you tried meds?

    Anxiety really does suck, I do know that, but with the right help, it can ease. It is just a case of finding the right help, and what works for you.

    You have fought so hard for so long, if you killed yourself, then all that would be wasted. All that effort that you have put in, and the positives things that are happening and that you have done would be irrelevant. All that would happen is that those that love you would end up in immense pain.

    Plus, add to that that no one actually knows what happens after death. What if you have more fears and problems after death than you do now. At least now you know what you have, and you also know that there are things you can do and also that you have shown a lot of improvment and moved forward a lot.

    I really feel for you and how hard things are and I hope you keep talking to us.
  3. Black31

    Black31 Active Member

    I have sought professional help and it did help overcome my terrifying fear of men but I still have alot of problems with people. I'm still quite anxious with my b/f and wish I wasn't. I have improved with him but still get very drained and run down from mixing with him or other people. I seem to get so mentally run down that dreaded anxiety attacks come on. I've had them the last few days and it's horrible. I can't sleep or eat much at the mo. I'm a bag of nerves, my heart is pounding and my mind won't stop worrying! I guess you could call it stress overload. It's all because I'm not relaxed with people and feel unsafe in their company. How do I tell my b/f I'm anxious with him? I'm just so fed up with this battle. It's so draining. I volunteer one afternoon a wk in a Mind charity shop but still have high anxiety there. I'm just such an anxious wreck around people, worrying about what they think of me etc. I just can't understand why I'm like this! I'm so relaxed and contented with my family and couldn't care less what they think of me. I'm completely myself with them. My Mum is my rock and I run to her when things get really bad. She's away at the moment and I'm finding it hard to cope on my own. I've tried different medications and am at present having EFT. I don't see any improvement tho. I just wish I could be free of these problems.
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