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i feel like there is something wrong with me

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#1
i feel like i fail at socializing. in a way im doing okay abroad because i am feeding myself and i have the basics kind of down. but socially, i either get anxious or i hide in my room. or when i do try to socialize, people dont seem to receive it well. my flatmates talk to each other more than me. i thought i did good today by being in kitchen and staying there when flatmates came in. but then later on a girl came to use our dryer. i thought she was my friend but now i think she is just using me cos she wants to use our dryer ( its the only one around ) . my flatmate is more chatty with her than with me. i guess theres something wrong with me.

the girl who wanted to wash her clothes. literally she was keeping tabs on the dryer and hse wasnt really focusing on the tv show we were watching. also she picked what we watched, i think she didnt really want to let me choose. nexst time she asks if she can use my dryer il say im busy etc

i feel tired and sad. i thought i did good today by being in ktichen when faltmate came in (and she included me, which surprised me) . but then later on the stuff with my 'friend' using the dryer and my other flatmate. i dont know. i feel tired and sad and im going to curl up in bed with gummy bears soon

a guy a few weeks ago said i lived under a rock because i only use facebook and nothing else. it seemed rude to me. but the girl (the one who came to dry her clothes) said that it was fine and he was just joking and sure he was at the party last night and they were joking with each other all night. ifeel off because i dont feel like its okay, how he was with me. but maybe im wrong and im overreacting? i dont know
 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
#2
Hi, @bubblebear!!! I've got a mild form of Asperger's which makes me misunderstand people's behavior, becauae I can't decipher people's body language. So people are a mystery to me. I'm telling you this because sometimes we overthink about people's actions but they just did that for no reason at all. After misunderstanding and being misunderstood several times, you get anxious and social interaction gets more difficult.
Besides, high school and college ages are very very difficult. Everybody's trying to fit and be part of the group, and it's a well of suffering. It's very common that people your age change what's considered 'trendy' in no time: if you use fb, they use tweeter, if you change for tweeter, they use instagram, etc etc...
You say that your flatmates chat with each other but not with you. Just say: "who wants some coffee/tea (whatever)?", sit by them and LEARN communication skills from them. Listen to what they talk about and you'll find some patterns in what they say, how and when; and their gestures (the listener's and the speaker's). Most people learn all this without noticing it but some of us have to be taught. Just remember that social interaction is a LEARNED SKILL. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW THE IMPLICIT RULES OF THE GAME.
 

Striking

Well-Known Member
#3
You're describing anxiety, what I think is referred to as alienation in your case. The belief that you are different and do not fit in. Just because people talk to others more does not mean they don't like you. Or that they are using you. Or any number of other black and white thoughts anxiety leads us to believe.

If you want to grow stronger bonds you have to ask questions. Pick a topic or topics you know the person is interested in. But remember, you need to share too, the conversation cannot be heavily one sided causing it to be a hindrance to strengthening a relationship
 

Gonz

Well-Known Member
#4
Most people learn all this without noticing it but some of us have to be taught. Just remember that social interaction is a LEARNED SKILL.
I couldn’t agree more with this. I get how disheartening it can be when you’re surrounded by people to whom it seems to come naturally. But, with enough practice, you will get there.

i feel tired and sad. i thought i did good today by being in ktichen when faltmate came in (and she included me, which surprised me)
It seems like you did do pretty good. You stayed out and interacted with people when it sounds like you’d rather have hidden in your room (something I can very much relate to). And your flatmate did include you, which you can take as evidence that she likes you and would like to see you out of your room spending time with everyone.

And if it didn’t go as well as you’d have liked, that’s okay. I bet the next time you decide to try it’ll be a tiny bit easier. And even easier the time after that.

And I think what Striking said is great advice, figuring out people’s interests and asking questions about them is the best way to start. And if you can’t figure out what exactly to ask about, remember that most people’s greatest interest is themselves.

Also, it kinda sounds like maybe the guy was joking like dryer girl said, and he inadvertantly poked a sore spot. I mean maybe he’s shown a pattern of saying rude things, and to hell with him if that’s the case. But, if not, I’d just assume he was being thoughtless rather than malicious.
 
#6
Hi, @bubblebear!!! I've got a mild form of Asperger's which makes me misunderstand people's behavior, becauae I can't decipher people's body language. So people are a mystery to me. I'm telling you this because sometimes we overthink about people's actions but they just did that for no reason at all. After misunderstanding and being misunderstood several times, you get anxious and social interaction gets more difficult.
Besides, high school and college ages are very very difficult. Everybody's trying to fit and be part of the group, and it's a well of suffering. It's very common that people your age change what's considered 'trendy' in no time: if you use fb, they use tweeter, if you change for tweeter, they use instagram, etc etc...
You say that your flatmates chat with each other but not with you. Just say: "who wants some coffee/tea (whatever)?", sit by them and LEARN communication skills from them. Listen to what they talk about and you'll find some patterns in what they say, how and when; and their gestures (the listener's and the speaker's). Most people learn all this without noticing it but some of us have to be taught. Just remember that social interaction is a LEARNED SKILL. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW THE IMPLICIT RULES OF THE GAME.

yes i think i will try observe them a bit more. sometimes i think i make myself anxious by thinking oh i have to say something. but i dont. no one is forcing me to speak. so eh *hugs*
 
#7
You're describing anxiety, what I think is referred to as alienation in your case. The belief that you are different and do not fit in. Just because people talk to others more does not mean they don't like you. Or that they are using you. Or any number of other black and white thoughts anxiety leads us to believe.

If you want to grow stronger bonds you have to ask questions. Pick a topic or topics you know the person is interested in. But remember, you need to share too, the conversation cannot be heavily one sided causing it to be a hindrance to strengthening a relationship
yes i do ask people about themselves. i think i just neeed t orelax and stop worrying so much about makin gfriends. its making me so anxious i avoid people ha
 
#8
I couldn’t agree more with this. I get how disheartening it can be when you’re surrounded by people to whom it seems to come naturally. But, with enough practice, you will get there.

It seems like you did do pretty good. You stayed out and interacted with people when it sounds like you’d rather have hidden in your room (something I can very much relate to). And your flatmate did include you, which you can take as evidence that she likes you and would like to see you out of your room spending time with everyone.

And if it didn’t go as well as you’d have liked, that’s okay. I bet the next time you decide to try it’ll be a tiny bit easier. And even easier the time after that.

And I think what Striking said is great advice, figuring out people’s interests and asking questions about them is the best way to start. And if you can’t figure out what exactly to ask about, remember that most people’s greatest interest is themselves.

Also, it kinda sounds like maybe the guy was joking like dryer girl said, and he inadvertantly poked a sore spot. I mean maybe he’s shown a pattern of saying rude things, and to hell with him if that’s the case. But, if not, I’d just assume he was being thoughtless rather than malicious.
thats actually such a good idea - that he was 'thoughtless' rather than rude. i have class with him tomorrow ( which i am intending on going to ) so we will see how things go. thank you <3 y
 
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