I feel like tonight is it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by emlou, Aug 14, 2016.

  1. emlou

    emlou New Member

    I feel like tonight is it.
  2. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    No sense in giving up now, girls have it easy.
    chiaroscura likes this.
  3. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

    Emlou, please wait. Breathe. Hold on. Be safe. Get help, any help. You have come to the perfect place, where you will find friends who have been at that same edge you are thinking of, but have been pulled back by finding this forum. I came here, after writing my final notes, ready to leave, and two people on here rushed to my side, and just listened and cared. I felt better and decided to wait, and now I am so involved with this forum. It is a RUSH to talk to people who are in the same kind of hell I was in, to help them, and almost all of us have been in that hard place, a rush to know that only WE who have suffered, can understand what others are going thru who are thinking there are no more options. You could even get into a discussion already! helping someone on here (read the rules of course, as this is a very gentle natured forum, aimed at saving life, not losing it) and you would feel that strange realization that your suffering is your badge of honor that qualifies you to understand other human beings as divine as you are who are driven to desperation and find this safe place to rest. I hope you will stay Please stay with us. Please. We care about you so much. Your friend, Chia
    moxman likes this.
  4. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    You are really young.. I had your age when I first became really depressed. Something about my self awareness made me sick.. I was listening to Radiohead "How to disappear comoletly", that's when I have felt suicide with some intensity, but it was nothing like now, being 22 without much to hope for, because I don't have anyone, or rather I don't have myself..

    What's your story? I have been exposed to the real world and it's crushing me, as I feel so miniscule for it. I can't have girls, no friends, no conversations, no real value or hobbie to live for. I became bland and pointless. I am a straying shadow of what I was. I am just darkness, been blacked out.

    I think I am a lost case. Don't tell me that there is nothing like that, there is... The ones that ended themselves were lost cases.. That's it! I have three days to decide what I am going to do with my death now. But first, let me hear more about your reasons..
    chiaroscura likes this.
  5. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    Don't do it.
    chiaroscura likes this.
  6. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

    @OCDNihilism DONT DO IT. Only bad math gives the false answer that death is of more value than life. And NOT because life is worth one sh** most of the time, but because of this word: OPTIONS. When you choose death, you have ONE chance, ONE option, and what if it fails, backfires, ends up a horrible mistake (and if you don't do it perfectly, wanna walk around with half a face? Or drooling and retarded with googly eyes from missing the right dose? That will make you attractive. NOT). But with life, the options are INFINITE. Yes, right now, you might have NO OPTIONS in life, but because time stretches out soooooooooooooooo far, OPTIONS ARISE. Why would anyone choose ONE chance at a card game, when they could have infinite chances at a card game, even if the chances don't start for a while. I've been RIGHT THERE READY TO GO. And someone took me by the shoulders and told me to do the math (which has higher value, death or life?) and I said "death" and they showed me that it is feelings that lead us to that conclusions, because feelings can't do logic. Use your prefrontal cortex, not your hippocampus to do the math. Hippocampus only makes us all feel like sh**. Hold on to your logic. Just DON'T DO IT. DON'T DO IT! Stay with us! WE NEED YOU. Please don't do it. I'm here. I care about you. Suicide ONLY HURTS THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU OR CARE ABOUT YOU. No one else gives a sh*t. But I care a lot. Everyone here cares a lot. Dont do it. PLEASE just wait. There is no rush. WRite to me or especially to Petal, one of the mods/admins here. Petal saved my life the night I was ready to go, complete with goodbye notes for everyone. And she was my last stop before getting off the train. She turned me around completely. She LOVES. Talk to Petal. Please!
    OCDNihilism likes this.
  7. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

  8. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    I like your post. It's actually at least a less repetitive and boring version of life is worth it. I am depressed. My cognitive abilities at its best are not anything speacial, that's being generous too.. I feel lobotomized right now. I can't use logic right now to save myself, because thinking only reminds me of what a failure I am, because I really can't think anymore. I lost it, or am losing it. I know that it's feelings that are feelings wich lead us to such conclusions, but I have some math in my favor too.. There have been options.. But what if those options never have the same "value" of death? It's what I feel like. Options are not for me. I don't want options, I want them to end. I am isolated, I should be. There is no life inside me that I should share with the world. I know that many thought the same and saved themselves, but some didn't, I am one of those.

    I am now writing this to you, sitting inside a van wich I had to drive, that is from my boss. I am working at helping a guy with musical events. Something small, and I have all around me people and happenings that just make me curl up, so I am here.

    I am not a good person. I am not smart as I wished. I am not ugly or deformed in any way, actually I am kind of the opposite, but that's actually a curse to me...

    I am 22 and never had a contact with a girl, because I am a disaster.. I have nothing in my life to live for right now. I want to hurt my family, they kinda deserve it!! Fuck it, that's what. I have many demons inside me. I have been too apathetic about it, but if not I would not be here anymore. Now I like to feel like this...
  9. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    All my dreams have turned to nightmares. I am a failure, and I will do it, sonner or later.
    chiaroscura likes this.
  10. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

    Believe it or not, I hear and feel into everything you are saying. I'm not trying to sell you on the options thing, but if your thinking were just a tiny bit clearer right now (and trust me: you are very articulate and intelligent, no matter what you think.) (also consider what meds you are on, what the side effects are, and any meds you recently quit or started. this could be aggravating your cloudy-thinking condition) you would realize that the word "options" includes turns of events that never in your wildest dreams could you foresee. I know you don't want options right now. I've been there. Sometimes I still don't care about options. But even if you want to hurt the feelings of your family (hurting your family and getting into jail and getting raped every day is NOT what you want), but I take it that you just want to upset them. If you take the single option of dying, what if they don't care, or they care for a week, then they forget you? Whereas if you want to hurt their feelings, think of how many times you could do that if you stay alive. Naturally, I'm not advocating cruelty, but I have some sadistic streaks, too, and I've thought about these things. The main thing I was scared of, for offing myself, was when I looked up the statistics for success and found out the the vast majority of attempts FAIL and then leave the person, deformed and drooling, and half the head gone, and of course they save your life at hospital, which is a kind of cruelty if you ask me, OR you're on a ventilator the rest of your life. Also, do a google image search IMAGE search, for "failed suicide attempts" and take a look at allllll the people who thought they could do it and failed. I nearly vomited. I freaked out when I saw all the outcomes of failed suicides. I'd never once thought I'd fail. Now I know that MOST PEOPLE FAIL and f*ck themselves up even WORSE, to a point where they can't ever try again because they're eating green goo thru a tube and can't move their arms. Think about these things. Stay, please stay. I'm a girl! I'm asking you to say. Now you can't say that no girl cares whether you stay or not. I WANT YOU TO STAY AND BE MORE CREATIVE. Suicide is not creative. It's a boring idea. Be more creative and do things with all the opportunities you have if you stay alive EVEN IF THEY AREN'T THERE NOW, THOSE OPPORTUNITIES. YOU CAN WAIT A LITTLE WHILE. See what I mean? But do not kill anyone. That is so unoriginal, too, and then you think you will hurt someone, then yourself, and what if you miss them AND yourself? You didn't say you meant THAT kind of harm, so I am completely assuming you meant hurt their feelings. STAY!
  11. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Sorry, have nothing to add. Just.. just..
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, did you get through the night safely? Hope you did. SF is here for you x
  13. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

    You'd BETTER be okay, OCD Nihilism. Don't MAKE me hafta get outta this here chair an wake up mah hound dawg. Dude. Write so I KNOW YOU'RE OKAY. Puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeease. OK? OK. Say something.
  14. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Well, hello. I am still here, unfortunaly.. :). Twisted smiley face, because even if I have been feeling better since yesterday, I still know that this next weekend I will, once again, be buried once and for all.

    I could give you a response to your previous post, so I could clarify somethings, but it doesn't really matter.

    I must confess that I was.. "moved", perhaps, by your post, but I can't, now that I tell you this, is like it never happened, paradoxly..

    Sorry, cannot force myself to write anything more.
  15. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

    I am so relieved that you are still okay. THANK YOU for letting me know. I'm so worried. Suicide ONLY hurts the people who care about you, as you already know. Everyone else feels nothing. But I don't think you are trying to anger anyone. You just see no solution to a situation or you do not think you have tolerance enough to endure it. Why don't you call a suicide hotline? At least you can have a discussion and make your points and see if they can overcome your arguments. If you're in America, here's the number: 1-800-273-8255. If you are in Canada it's 1-800-273-8255, oh look! It's the same number. Okay, if you are in the UK, it's a lot of options: Samaritans:
    Helpline: 116 123
    (free of charge from a landline or mobile)
    Email jo@samaritans.org

    Also, check google on the success rate of suicide attempts. Less than 10 percent succeed and the rest live out their monster lives in institutions with brain damage and deformed. It's really quite hard to do it right, 90 percent SCREW IT UP EVEN AFTER STUDYING HOW, and have you spent time thinking about THAT? Even the Golden Gate bridge fails a high percent of the time and every single person who survives says that the minute they jumped, they regretted it hysterically. Then all their bones were crushed for life and they eat out of tubes in nursing homes.

    Reasons to stall: You haven't maxed out all your credit cards on fun. If not, THAT was an oversight! You haven't bought a Porsche on credit. THAT was an oversight. You haven't tried parachuting, hangliding and other dangerous sports that are fun. You haven't thought of going over to Africa and volunteering in the Ebola clinics and AIDS clinics, where they can't find volunteers because everyone wants to live, but if you don't care, you would be just what they need, AND if you catch the diseases, well....... You haven't tried climbing the highest mountain in the world. You probably wouldn't survive it, but what a cool experience to be in a world record blizzard on the way up a mountain. You haven't published an essay (You know you're a damned good writer) about suicide. You haven't helped me on my campaign to get people to write essays on why people should not get pregnant and bring babies into this mess. I need you to do that! You haven't written y our own autobiography, which people would love to read as it would be so dramatic. You haven't dived in Australia among Great Whites. You CAN, you know. It's fun. Most people survive, but they are scared. You wouldn't be scared. You haven't visited a dog pound and seen all the other adorable creatures like you, who have no hope, but they keep eating and want to live, even in those cages. You haven't tried to swim the English Channel. You haven't jumped out of an airplane holding on to a bungee cord, thus making national news. You haven't robbed a bank. You haven't pulled this hilarious but naughty prank: Write on the back of a deposit slip: THIS IS A HOLDUP. And then stick the deposit slip into the middle of the pile of deposit slips so some innocent person fills it out and hands it over and all hell breaks loose. It's naughty, but if pranks keep you alive, I know a lot of them! You haven't sailed to the westernmost Indian Ocean and shot real guns at pirates. That would be so cool! You haven't gone to the Middle East and done some crazy rescue mission saving patriot hostages, that no one else would do because they want to live and are scared to do it. You haven't made a list of all the greatest restaurants in the world, and use that credit card to fly to each one, and eat the most expensive meals, if you never have to pay off the credit card. Etc. You haven't tasted a bottle of 1971 Chateau Neuf du Pape. Get your butt out there and start doing these things!

    COME ON! STALL! LOOK AT ALL THOSE GREAT REASONS TO STALL! You have to admit you hadn't thought of those!


    If you will PLEASE JUST WAIT. There are sooooooooooo many crazy things you can do if you don't care whether you survive them or not. This next year could be the funnest year of your life if you just did a whole bunch of cool stuff.

    Don't you want to spend one week in one of those cabins in Bora Bora. Do a google image search if you haven't seen Bora Bora.

    Don't you want to sail to an island and live alone and no one knows where you are, but you live away from all your problems?

    Look how hard I'm trying! These are great ideas! I have a million more! Dont you want to swim down to that spot in the Galapagos Islands where that weird acid bubbles up and the only creatures in the world that live on acid and not oxygen, live? They look like aliens. You could see that!

    Go find a dog that is a messed up as you feel your life is, and adopt it. Automatic love, and the two of you had nothing to live for, and now you have each other. Find the most pitiful, messed up dog of them all, and adopt it. Then write a children's book about it.

    Well, I'm trying as hard as I can, to get you to wait. Not because there's anything wrong with not-existing, but because, as you can see from this one message, you haven't done all the stuff a person should do, before they die. You gotta do this stuff. You havent seen the whole buffet! Don't stop halfway through! Do the whole thing, and if it's on a credit card, well, don't pay it off. Big deal. Move to the island and they wont find you. I just know how many times I almost did it, and then thought of stuff I wanted to experience, even tho living had no appeal. So I waited, and gosh darn it, a bunch of things DID happen, that I never foresaw, and I thought "Chia, you would have MISSED THIS!" Also, not to be crude, but, really, think of all the ((((orgasms)))) you have ahead of you. I looked it up. AVERAGE MAN: 4,233 orgasms in his life. You want to miss all those? Okay, that wasn't modest, but it is true! And that's just the AVERAGE number! What if yours is 6000? You wanna miss that?

    OH PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE STAY! PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP. PLEASE STAY!!!! i want you to STAY. At least STALL and get help, change meds, change therapists, give yourself a year to decide and promise yourself that during that year, you will do alllll the stuff you're supposed to do for the basics: med change, therapist change, hotlines, etc. And also think about all those things I listed and do some of them. You'll love the dangerous ones because you're not scared! PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE??????? I CARE SO DAMNED MUCH! PLEASE!!!!! STAY. GIVE IT ONE YEAR. JUST ONE YEAR and do the therapy and med stuff, then other crazy stuff and have fun and go wild. After that year, you might say, OMG I ALMOST MISSED ALL OF THIS. OMG HOW CLOSE I CAME TO MISSING ALL OF THIS FUN!

    Please write back. I'm going to freak out if you hurt yourself. I will cry the rest of my life. I swear to God I will. You don't know me. You are in my heart now, and you aren't coming out. You might not care. But I promise you, I will suffer all my life about this, if you leave me here on this mess of a planet. Cause I'm sticking it out. And if you leave, it will torture me the rest of my life not to be able to think of you and go, "I'm not the only one that thinks this sucks, but who is sticking it out." PLEASE STAY!
  16. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

    PS I forgot the most fun thing of all that you need to stick around and try. This guy got some beer and a lawn chair (true story!) and tied a whole bunch of helium-filled weather balloons to his chair, thinking it would go up maybe 20 feet and stay there. But it kept going up! It didn't level off until he was in the JET LANE near LA airport and jets were passing him and people looking out of the window at this guy in his shorts, in his lawnchair, drinking beer, up in the sky. Luckily, he had his cell phone, and the flight authorities called him (wife gave his number, as he was talking to his friends from up there) (there is NO LAW against this! It is entirely LEGAL) and NASA or someone told him how to come down, which balloons to deflate in what order so he wouldn't fall out of his chair, and he came down nicely and made international news. He did get in trouble for something else, like not having a license to fly, but there's no law against flying lawn chairs. So it's stuff like this that I dont want you to miss. I forgot to add that to my long post above this one. I'm sure you have a lawnchair and a cell phone.
    Freya and AlexiMarie7 like this.
  17. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    You've actually made me smile and laugh at some of the things you wrote, but it made me equally sad..
    I am not sure I will be able to write you a worth response to your fabulous posts, so that's one of the reasons I was sad while reading it all.. I am already lost in thought feeling challenged to somehow live to some expectations I think you have of me...

    I am not a good writer. I am not a good thinker. I am always struggling mentally. Nothing feels like it should. I have weird thought processes or I am just to slow due to my cognitive decline I think I have suffered from many things.. I feel bland and boring all the time, always drowned in uncertanty.
    I am numb. I am no fun to be around with.

    I can't be precise enough about myself, that's something I can say with security. If you could have me around you, you would notice immidialty I can't be rescued, or something like that. I would not really be there. I am writing but everything I write feels like smoke I put out.. If this doesn't make sense, well, it's just more smoke..

    I should simply say I am a freaking retard, it's much easier and explains much more then whatever I have been try to say. My name also explains some of my manners of expressing myself, I think.

    I am a confused little nothing. I feel like am disappointing you, because you have too many unreachable expectations about me. I feel sorry to say, but you telling me you care about me only reinforces in myself the desire to disappear. This was rhe feeling I was getting. I also think I felt sorry for you, that you would be hurt if I did something bad, but now that I am actually writing about it, it's unreachable inside my mind, somehow... Just one more symptom wich makes me want to die. My emotions are screwed.

    What can you say to such a strange and wondering post? I feel alienated from myself and everything. I am a pile of nothing, I am sorry.
  18. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Will listen to this. Pretty accurate about my own situation.
  19. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

    Really? TOOL? Did you know that behind the scenes, they are all Christians, and their record company requires them to continue to put out dark scary stuff like that, and they don't want to? And did you know that it's a joke to believe in all their scary metal and lyrics and videos? Their record company forces them to act that way, as that is their "persona" which is the product they sell--scary metal and weird movies. It's like when a waitress comes up to your table to take your order and acts exactly like a waitress. You think, "Oh she is a waitress" and no she isn't. She is a plain person PRETENDING TO be a waitress for the hours she works, to give you the illusion that there was a waitress in the restaurant. The guys in TOOL are PRETENDING. They aren't like that, and their music is pretend, for them. One of them even CROCHETS HATS while riding on the tour bus, and is very shy and introverted. But they are paid to ACT LIKE THEY DO on stage, and THEY ARE FAKING IT, because that's their job. And I bet you're listening to them and believing they're some guys who really believe in their message and their atmosphere they are creating and they believe in clay figures with scary faces, falling over dead. IT'S AN ACT. THEY ARE NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. I'm not going to tell you how I know, but I'm very well connected to the music industry and one of them stays at my house when they play near here. So I bet that you just keep watching that crap and you're like a little kid believing in the scary images and sounds,believing the band members are like that offstage, and now you are modeling your life after something that even THE BAND DOESN'T BELIEVE IN.

    STOP WATCHING THEM. They would CRAP if they knew they were making someone suicidal, because that person accidentally "believed in" their ACT. For one week, stop listening to ANY MUSIC.

    And here is what I want from you: Suppose I am considering suicide. Suppose. And you don't know whether I am or not. I AM on a suicide forum, after all, so there's credible evidence that I might be. With all the work I put into posting to you, now YOU write to ME and just for practice, even if you don't believe what you write, and you don't know whether I, in reality, actually need to see what you write, just to save myself, maybe I do need it, I would like you to write me a message talking ME out of committing suicide. A kind of long letter that lists at least ten reasons you don't want me to go out of existence and be found covered in gore and horrifying everyone who sees me. Will you do that for me? You don't know whether I need that or not. Will you TRY to save me? Please? Ten reasons I should NOT do it. Ready? Go.
  20. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

    Think I'm making it up? Read this (and I''m not breaking a rule because I don't care to convert anyone to anything, I am just making a point for OCDNIHILISM who seems to believe in all the publicity antics that the band TOOL is REQUIRED to do and say, by their recording contract. Here is a quote: "...metal is a very powerful TOOL to spread the Gospel. The best thing with TOOL is that thru...TOOL... we can reach people that never will be reached otherways. Thru ... Metal we can talk the metalheads language and have their attention. When we have got their attention they will also be open to the great message of salvation in a way that they relate and understands. So Heavenly Metal is a great way to communicate the gospel to people that wouldn't be reached in other ways. ...Metal is a powerful TOOL and now is time that we start to use it!." And go to Wikipedia and read about them, and one of them left the band to "devote his life to Jesus Christ" is what Wikipedia says. Do you see now? THEY ARE FAKING ONSTAGE. I'm waiting for my letter with the 10 points. Spelling doesn't count. I'm waiting for that.