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I feel lost... again (poss tig)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ThornThatNeverHeals, Dec 3, 2013.

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  1. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    So I saw my shrink today.... I don't even know what to say. I just know that these feelings inside are so uncomfortable.

    We talked for a long while, about nothing really serious. We talked about how my week had been, and how my brother had been home. We talked of the struggles that came with the return of my brother. This led to a conversation in family dynamics. I explained to him that I resent my brother because he treats my mother poorly.He asked why. I explained that my brother thinks that I wont have anything to do with my mother's mother because of the things my mother has said. This is not true. I will have nothing to do with the woman because of what she did to me. I explained that I hold anger. A lot of anger. I am angry at my brother for treating mother so poorly. I am angry because he denies what has happened and swears that that monster of a woman is good. I am angry at my mother for sending me to that place. For a week. As a small child. I remember crying and begging her not to go. They left anyway, off on a vacation for a week. She had been through similar experiences. She knew what that woman was capable of. Yet she left me there. I resent this everyday. I explained that I am also angry at my father. He let mother leave me there. He went on vacation with her. He knew what the woman had done in the past to my mother. Yet they left me there.

    He asked how much of the inciedent that happened there affects my day to day life. I struggled when answering this. I told him to throw a stone into a pond. Watch the ripples. at first they are large in volume but cover only a small distance. As the distance grows the waves become smaller, in volume, but expand over a larger area.

    I did not tell him this, but i saw it in my mind. A spiderweb. White on black. the middle of the web contains a huge devil looking black widow. It hisses at you. You can see the web easily near the middle, but as the strands flare out and string out more, you notice the web less and less. It is still there, and covers a much larger area when it is invisible.

    I explained that the anger is all a result of what happened. The most direct effect that the incident had on me was my nightmares and fear of being touched. There are many indirect results too. My anger, for starters. On top of this I suffer from extreme anxiety. I am shy around new people, and trust few people. I am scared of the world. It allowed me to be hurt once, and I fear that sharp cruel action when I am most vulnerable.

    he asked me if I had told anyone else about what happened. I said no. He asked if I could share with my mother, but I said no because it would completely shatter her. Obviously I cannot tell father either, as he would just tell mother. I cannot tell brother for he would not believe me and call me a liar and say that mother was making me say lies.

    he said there are three ways to face and heal what happened
    1)Face my mother's mother. Tell her my feelings, make her understand the effect she had.
    2) tell my parents. Explain to them what the source of my anger is. Explain to them why I act the way I do.
    3)leave it behind. Find a way to make it not matter. Allow yourself to no longer care about it and try to move on.

    He is leaving for another country and will not return until the last day of this year. So for now I am alone. I cannot do one or two. That leaves me with three. I dont know how. I dont know where to start. I know that K would agree, and I want to ask her for help....

    I'm so scared. I'm so alone. That is the word that he has always missed. He asks me how I feel about things, he usually asks :sad? frightened? relieved? angry? frustrated?

    Yes i am usually scared. but more than that? I AM ALONE.
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Thorn,

    *huggles* You ARE NOT alone. I'm right there with you. I am going down that same journey of trying to find a way to make it not matter. Many people tell me I'm crazy because it still has such a great impact on me 20 yrs later. I too don't know HOW to let it go... not all of it anyway... I've let go of a large part of it, but the part that remains... holds me captive. I have been through abuse in my childhood and even parts of my adult life so I understand. I really do. Please, don't feel like you have to hide or be ashamed. Maybe this is something we can figure out together. Let's talk it over sometime? Take care and be safe *huggles*
  3. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    I am so scared. He is leaving for weeks... I'm terrified. My brother will return home by then... I will be even more alone then... I just don't know how or where to go
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member


    Then come here, and let me hug you close while you cry and let go of all those fears and you will not have to be alone. Talk to me. *huggles*
  5. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    It is amazing... he can name off so many feelings/emotions in rapid fire. You would think that he covers them all.... well he does.... except for one. Lonliness. He always forgets lonliness. When someone is surrounded by those they love, yet still feel so so so alone. :lonely: :blue:
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Maybe he doesn't forget it, but simply avoids it... to see if/when you'll bring it up? And yes, I understand what it is to feel alone even when surrounded by those that you love... to feel invisible to them and/or unimportant. It's not a good feeling at all. Tell me, when was the last time you remember feeling connected, rather than alone?
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