I feel lost, alone, and utterly worthless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by snowgem93, Jan 11, 2014.

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  1. snowgem93

    snowgem93 New Member

    I want to die.
    It's as as simple as that, but I'm afraid, which is why I'm writing this post. I don't have anyone that I can talk to about my feelings. I don't think anyone I know would believe that I felt this way, and if I mentioned it they would probably think that I was being melodramatic or having a laugh.
    I'm going to tell you what happened to lead me to this point. I don't expect anyone to read this, but the fact I'm writing it down already feels like a weight has been lifted.

    I'm 20 years old, and I'm studying at university. I'm not a genius but iv always done well at school in my academic and my extra-curricular activities. This has always made me feel a little isolated. I used to think it didn't matter, one day I would be successful and have a great job that I love and that's when I'd meet the people who would matter to me. My parents have always been a little pushy. My mum went to Cambridge university to study medicine and for as long as I can remember that was kind of the path I was on too.... As it happens I'm at a university in London, studying a subject completely different to medicine! I've studied dancing since the age of two, and I have also studied piano, cello and singing. I can remember when mum asked me what instrument I wanted to learn, and I said guitar - because the guitar teacher could play postman pat mainly I think - and she said, what about cello? Because she had always wanted to play cello. So I took up the cello. I was never great at it, but I was good enough to play in orchestra, and I was preparing for my grade 8, but then I came to university and I haven't really picked it up in the last year that much.
    My parents always said to me that I shouldn't be mediocre. That there was nothing worse than just being okay at something, and that I should always aim for the best. This attitude has really affected me, particularly in my most recent relationship - I wanted to be the best possible person for my boyfriend. Anyway I will explain that in more detail soon.
    I feel particularly selfish for the thoughts I'm having. Why would I throw away all the things my parents have given to me? They invested a lot of money in my education and my dancing and musical training and now all I can think about is a way to escape from everything.
    When I went into sixth form, to study for my a levels, my best friend moved schools. You might think his isn't the end of the world, but I had know her sincere were 7 and we had become such good friends. In my last year of high school, before going on to sixth form, my other best friend Ellie, stabbed me in the back. She accused me of cheating on my work to a teacher, all my work got recalled - it was then proven that this wasn't the case. However, Ellie sent a message around the school telling everyone about "what I have done". I got death threats, and that's when I started to have this feeling of complete worthlessness.
    One of my closest friends caused me to have death threats. She made me feel like I was nothing, and that nothing I could do would ever be enough.
    When my other best friend, the only person who had stuck by my side throughout the problems Ellie caused, moved school I felt completely abandoned. Everything changed in our friendship from there onwards. She made new friends at her new school, I made a couple but they weren't people I could completely confide in. I grew jealous of the new friends she had, and because I felt worthless I believed that I should take a step back and allow her to move on in life. We still talk occasionally, but it's pretty much only when I initiate it. I feel like I lost Beccy, and that when I did it was just further proof that I was nothing.
    At sixth Form I had a slight wake up call with my grades. At gcse my parents made me sit two extra subjects, and I did well - achieving 8a*s and 3as. However, I went to sixth form and everything got on top of me. I was struggling to fit in all the work required whilst at the same time continuing with dancing and music and relaxing with my new friendship group. I sat my first round of exams and I got all Bs. My dad wanted to take me out of school and make me resist my exams elsewhere. He told me that I had failed. This was ridiculous considering most people in my year had Ds! Once again it felt like no matter how hard I worked, how stressed I was and how much I was struggling to keep on top of my work all that mattered were my grades - not my health, and I just couldn't do enough to make everyone happy.
    I resat my exams, and decided not to apply to university straight away and to take a gap year. My parents were not happy with this idea because I had no idea what to do with my year off. It was the best decision that I could have made at the time. I auditioned to study singing in Switzerland and I got a place. I commuted to Switzerland every week to study singing on Thursdays and some Saturdays, and when I was at home I had a job to earn some money. I had a great year, and applied for university and got my place.
    I was so excited in June last year. Everything was looking up. I felt like I was doing the things I enjoyed for the first time. In July I went to a party, and it met a guy. We exchanged numbers and we started texting each other. We built a close friendship over about two weeks - I was away for the last one and we would phone each other for hours in the evening just chatting about anything. He made me really happy. He came to see a dance show that I had taught to some girls, and then he asked me out. Summer was incredible. I was so happy to be in a relationship, and I was excited about everything.
    However, obviously I moved to London in September for university. It turned out that my boyfriend didn't actually want a long term relationship. He was committed to me and he wasn't willing to feel the way about me that I feel about him. He thought that I would cheat on him - which was ridiculous because I was so happy, he was and still is the only guy I think about. I went home to see him a lot, and I missed out on doing some things at uni, and I spent a lot of money on him, but I thought it was worth it. I would have done anything for him. I went home one weekend and we had great fun. He had a mate come over so I went to bed, later on he came upstairs to sleep. I went to get a drink and he'd left his phone downstairs. Thinking nothing of it I just flicked it on. I looked at the photos of us together and I felt so warm. I felt like I belonged. But then I saw a message from an unknown number. He had written to her saying that he wished he could hold her in his arms and that he wanted to treat her well because she deserved it. Everything went black. All those feelings of pain and worthlessness flooded back into my heart and mind. But I care so much about him I just thought if I ask him and tell him that it doesn't matter then it will be fine. He took one look at me, after I said: who is she, and he was like it's over. I then had to stay the night lying by his side and the next day until my train back to London. Everything crashed down around me. I didn't know what to do. I felt sick. I was sobbing and shaking and I felt so embarrassed to be there. His friend was downstairs still so I couldn't even go downstairs. I was confined to his bedroom for a day. I couldn't eat and I don't think he knew what to do. He put his arms around me and he held me and he said that he didn't want to hurt me which is why he ended it. I just wanted him to say it was a mistake and that he would give us another chance. He walked me to the station and he watched me get on the train. This was in November.
    For the last few months we have been talking off and on. Sometimes it seems like everything is fine and he wants to see me and he kisses me if we do see each other. But then on my birthday he destroyed every last little bit of self worth I had. He told me that I am ugly, and fat and that he never cared about me. That I was too committed to the relationship. I was just trying to be a good girlfriend. I'd never been in a relationship that mattered this much to me, and for the first time I'd been really happy.
    It's now January, and sometimes he talks to me and tries to be friendly, but then he suddenly changes and puts me down again and makes me feel like everything is my fault.
    I'm sick of letting people down, of not doing as well as people want me to. Everything I do I do to make other people happy, and right now it feels like I am nothing. I'm not worth time, effort or commitment. I am not loveable. In fact, it would be better for everyone if i just killed myself.
    I'd stop letting people down and everyone could just carry on without me as a burden in their lives.

    Iv lost all hope.
    If you have read this thank you. It's not the full story, there's obviously I lot more detail I could have provided but I don't think it matters. None of it matters, especially not me.
     
  2. isolated

    isolated Member

    I think this is the most important part of your post. You're 20 years old
    and have your whole life ahead of you. You may be feeling bad at the moment
    because you've experienced some disappointments, but you shouldn't seriously
    be thinking of killing yourself, nor should you waste time dwelling on negative
    and counterproductive thoughts like that.

    You're feeling hurt and alone because you've had some painful experiences
    with your ex-boyfriend and the friend who betrayed you. Unfortunately,
    life has its good times and its bad times. You're going though a bit of a
    tough time at the moment, but it's only temporary. You have plenty of
    good times ahead of you.

    It appears that your parents may tend to push you in directions that are
    not what you really want for yourself. You're a 20-year-old adult now
    and have every right to figure out for yourself what you really want in
    life and to pursue it.

    Focus on what you want in life and the friends who will like you for who
    you are. You can expect successes and disappointments, but that's a
    normal part of life.

    You're very lucky to be 20 years old. You have one of the most valuable
    things a human being can have: you have your youth, and you have
    plenty of life ahead of you. Make good use of the time you have and
    don't waste too much of it by feeling bad and dwelling on ridiculous
    thoughts like killing yourself. Figure out how to get your life moving
    in a direction that will make you feel good.

    I know what I'm talking about. I'm 58 years old and most of my life
    is behind me. My youth is gone forever, and I can't begin to tell you
    how much I envy your youth. I wish I could be 20 years old again.

    Please try to stop feeling bad. Rejoice in your youth and the time
    you have ahead of you. Don't waste it. Use it well.

    I wish you the best, and I hope you will have a good life.
     
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