I Feel Lost

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Mibani, Mar 30, 2013.

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  1. Mibani

    Mibani Member

    When I was a child, my 21-Year-old cousin took advantage of me, and of course, raped me. I was only 6 at the time, and the pain will never really go away. But here I am, years later, thinking to myself about how I want to attack the world of Sex when the time comes.

    After what happened with him, I am very distrustful of men and I almost refuse to get close to them at fear of being used again, but as time went on, finding a female who wasn't going to call me "Weird" or "Disgusting" for asking them out was... impossible. So I gave up. I got a boyfriend who I'd known for 2 years prior, and called him mine. He's a Shy Swedish guy with mental issues no greater than mine.

    But here's the issue. After that incident when I was a child... I think that sex should be aggressive. That I should be abused and yelled at. I should be tied down and forced into it. That's what he told me it should be, and as a child it burned into my head.

    What should I do? ... What should I think...? It still bugs me to be around him at family meetings, because he always looks at me with those hungry eyes. He offered to give me oral last time I saw him... It's starting to really bother me. I don't want to go to the police about it... as that would cause more drama than it's worth... What... What do I do?
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Mibani, having had abuse heaped on me as a young child, what finally helped me was a good, caring, compassionate and competant therapist.. Please don't wait as long as I did before you get the help.. You have your life before you now, and being now in a damaged state you probably will not to be able to do it the right and way you want to.
  3. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    I agree with Jimk ~ work with a professional who can help you to deal with the personal, emotional side of this now/sooner rather than later. I waited a lifetime and have never trusted fully or experienced what is, I'm told, an expression of love and tenderness (not pain, anger, and fear). ♥ ♥ ♥
  4. hoophula

    hoophula Active Member

    Hi and thank you for sharing Sex is a very touchy subject for me, and I like it, don't get me wrong, but after my childhood experience with babysitter trying to get on top of me at age of 9 just made it harder for me to enjoy. I always think my partner is a sex hungry man with nothing else on his mind, and it is hard for me to trust him. He wants to be tied up and I do not think it is normal and we used to do it all the time, and it was onlly something I did for him, and now when he asks to be, I just stop all contact physically and am turned off. Is this normal? I want to know if this kinky stuff is something he misses and if so, how do I get in the mood after trying so hard. I like to be held and it has to be slow and feel right, if not, I stop right away, and get really emotional, sometimes angry, then I worry he is not getting enough and will do other things by himself if I don't fulfill his needs. Let me know what you guys think, as this is a torment for me. thank you for reading.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there Minabi, first off I would like to tell you that it is never too late to get justice for what he's done, you can still go ahead and press charges even though it was all those years ago. He deserves to be named and shamed I think. Secondly, I would strongly advise that you get yourself some form of therapy, not all guys are bad but of course I can see why you would think that. Plus therapy can teach you coping methods and ways to deal with what you're going through.

    I myself was raped and assaulted when I was 12 years old, I did not report it until 2011, 2 months ago I found out that the Director of Public Prosecutions decided not to take the case to court due to lack of evidence-but I was relieved when the police told me that they believe me 100%. But there was nothing more they could do. But his name is now tarnished forever, no one will leave their kids with him. That's my kinda justice done anyway :) Although I do feel bad about him not being placed on the sex offenders register, that is all I really wanted, so that he'd never have the chance to do it to another child.

    Stay strong and stay safe and know you're not a victim but a survivor. Best of luck to you.
  6. Mibani

    Mibani Member

    The problem is, I've been with a professional, and they only ever make my emotions worse...

    Oh, and on pressing charges, he's a professional chef, and I'd rather not ruin the good name of his restaurant. It'd be the worst thing I could do to my family, as they dislike me for how my mother brought me up. I'd be blamed for making it up and shunned forever! I'd rather not go down the path...
  7. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Mibani, if therapy not gone rite with one, perhaps is time to look for one that can do better for you?...
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