I feel my time is coming. What do you think ?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lilodian4ever, Oct 24, 2012.

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  1. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed

    Hello all,

    I often hear people say in documentaries or movies "It wasn't my time yet". I now feel the exact opposite of that.

    I don't really see the point in going on, because I'm a loser trapped in a glass jar. Wherever I go, I see people enjoying life to the fullest - laughing, holding hands, kissing, planning for the future, and the only way I can react to seeing all that is to think of the wine bottle in my fridge and my sleeping pills and anxiety meds, and I can't wait to get back home where I don't hear or see those normal people anymore.

    Worst of all, the holiday season is coming. People are going to be with other people - families, friends, girlfriends, wives, kids. I'm gonna get to spend it with the demon inside me. I'm really not looking forward to that. In fact, I don't think I can survive another holiday season like that. I've already survived 12 such seasons, the last one (2011) being the worst of them all. I alternated between binge eating and starving myself, and nothing worked.

    I got all my fingers tattooed, yesterday, one Latin word on each. In English, they mean: peace, truth, freedom, relief, rest, God, fairness, resolve, victory, and salvation.

    Should I wait till the holiday season comes, or should I just escape now ? What do y'all think ?
  2. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Isolation is devastating. Do you have anybody you can talk with like a pt? I read somewhere that tatooing could be an indicator of suicidal ideation, the idea being that your acclimiatizing yourself to pain. I'm thinking of getting my entire torso and arms done. Sorry bad joke. How did you get through last year given that it was so awful? Is there anything you can do to change your situation around? New job perhaps, hobby, home?
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there. This is a pro life forum so nobody is going to encourage you to end your life but instead give you ideas to help you stay alive. You say you're on medications for sleep and anxiety.Are you still receiving professional help? I think that now is the time for you to seek help if you are not currently. Stay safe and mind yourself :hug:
  4. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed

    Thanks exkend.

    How I survived last holiday season ? Honest to God and the Devil inside me - I DON'T KNOW. I feel dead, so I guess I didn't really survive. Only my body survived. My mind has been possessed for a very long time.

    I've tried many therapists and different anti-loser medications; none have worked, only made me feel worse. I did enjoy getting my tattoos done, for 2 reasons: 1 - the obvious, because I knew I was getting my last important words imprinted onto me, and 2 - it did hurt a little bit, not too much though. I DID ENJOY THE PAIN !!! I've thought about cutting, many times, but cannot tolerate the thought of permanent nerve damage (resulting in involuntary muscle spasms)

    I've got tons of hobbies, but no motivation or energy to indulge in any of them. New job out of the question, for many many reasons. New home would probably end up being worse bcoz of noisy neighbors (I'm kinda getting my current neighbors to quieten down a bit now).

    Sorry, exkend. I really sincerely appreciate your good intentions. However, I don't have anything positive to say back to you :(

    Why are you sad ?
  5. Nevergiveup

    Nevergiveup Member

    Hey ! so you're a fan of tatooes ? the one you did looks cool in my mind, and i really like the words you wrote :) otherwise you seems like an interesting person i would like to talk to you if possible. we are both alone. I'm currently living in french so my english is poor, what about you ?
  6. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed

    Hey Nevergiveup !

    It's great to meet you ! I live in the United States.

    Freel free to email me at lilodian4ever@yahoo.com. Email is easier than the forum or chat room.

    Talk to you later !
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