I feel myself giving up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SmilingOnOutside, May 21, 2013.

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  1. SmilingOnOutside

    SmilingOnOutside New Member

    I should be terrified of how I'm feeling lately, but instead I find myself planning something only semi-elaborate that will drag out the result of anything I decide to do. I've always been a "runaway", not in the true sense of the word that I ran away from home and am some mysterious vagabond. I runaway from life and situations. I've been in my current location, where I have promoted successfully twice, for only 8 months, but I already have regrets, and guilt, and anger, and hurt. Intense hurt. There have been a few positions open up in the last few weeks at other location, and in my mind I think, "Self, if you apply, and get the position, you can pack up everything and hit the road. When you get there, you can do it, just leave life, and nobody here would know to be suspicious about why you didn't show up to the gym at 4, or to work at 6:30, and everyone there will think you changed your mind.. the family wouldn't be suspicious, because you're horrible at keeping in contact, especially when life gets you down. It could be days, weeks, before anyone even thought to look for you."

    The planning isn't the scary part. The scary part is driving down the road, and breaking down into tears. Waking up and feeling like a vice is clamped down on my chest, and feeling kind of disappoint that I even woke up again. Staring at a tv for hours and not knowing what I watched. Sitting in my office and not getting anything done because I'm frozen. Walking the floor and people expecting me to joke with them, shake their hands, ask questions about their weekend, but feeling like screaming "Can't you see how much pain I'm in?! Can't you see how hard I'm trying to just make words that sound polite, instead of collapsing to the floor and crying?! Please, please save me. Give me something to live for."

    I feel so lost, so alone, so sad, but mostly, just completely and utterly empty. I used to want something to live for. Now, I just want to give up. I just want to let go. I just want this to stop.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    can you tell us what has brought you to this point hun what has changed to make you want to leave n ow. Only if you want to tell us. You are not alone here we will listen and support you ok I wish too people were mind readers but they are not hun it is us who have to reach out for the support we need I hope you can reach out to someone hun in real life ok
    Don't hide the pain any longer reach out and get help hugs
     
  3. SmilingOnOutside

    SmilingOnOutside New Member

    Many things. I haven't had a trigger, per se. But if I start articulating what I think may have "brought" me to this point, it sounds so silly. Everyone has regrets. Everyone makes mistakes. But I've only recently learned that not everyone thinks about suicide. And not even all of those who have thought about it know how they would do it. (I don't want anyone I care about to find me, I don't want to stain a carpet or anything that would require significant labor to clean, and I have a few other requirements that have steered me into the best choice for me.)

    I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way. I don't have these crazy expectations, I just want to want to live. Or I did for a while, but I actually don't quite care anymore. I've stopped having any motivation to complete personal goals, and I've stopped thinking about my personal goals. I think I have literally given up. I just have this strange, perpetual thought of "It's coming, just not today. But you're almost there." And it doesn't bother me that I'm almost there, because it will be better than this.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you have felt well before so you can feel well again It is depression speaking to you now making your mind think you would be better off gone. It does not matter how you leave hun you will be missed and the pain that is left behind will be permanent hun Have you talked to your doctor please do ok tell your doc how low you feel Get referalls for councilling therapy for meds but get the support that is there ok. You deserve to be happy and to have your live back so reach out for help hun ok
     
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