I should be terrified of how I'm feeling lately, but instead I find myself planning something only semi-elaborate that will drag out the result of anything I decide to do. I've always been a "runaway", not in the true sense of the word that I ran away from home and am some mysterious vagabond. I runaway from life and situations. I've been in my current location, where I have promoted successfully twice, for only 8 months, but I already have regrets, and guilt, and anger, and hurt. Intense hurt. There have been a few positions open up in the last few weeks at other location, and in my mind I think, "Self, if you apply, and get the position, you can pack up everything and hit the road. When you get there, you can do it, just leave life, and nobody here would know to be suspicious about why you didn't show up to the gym at 4, or to work at 6:30, and everyone there will think you changed your mind.. the family wouldn't be suspicious, because you're horrible at keeping in contact, especially when life gets you down. It could be days, weeks, before anyone even thought to look for you." The planning isn't the scary part. The scary part is driving down the road, and breaking down into tears. Waking up and feeling like a vice is clamped down on my chest, and feeling kind of disappoint that I even woke up again. Staring at a tv for hours and not knowing what I watched. Sitting in my office and not getting anything done because I'm frozen. Walking the floor and people expecting me to joke with them, shake their hands, ask questions about their weekend, but feeling like screaming "Can't you see how much pain I'm in?! Can't you see how hard I'm trying to just make words that sound polite, instead of collapsing to the floor and crying?! Please, please save me. Give me something to live for." I feel so lost, so alone, so sad, but mostly, just completely and utterly empty. I used to want something to live for. Now, I just want to give up. I just want to let go. I just want this to stop.